Husband building up resentment

[Jamans]

I hired a decorator recommended by someone I know. My husband wasn't keen on him and wanted someone else but I went with my friend's recommendation.
It turned out to be a disaster; the final cost was double our estimate as we had to get someone in to fix the mess.
We've taken a big financially hit and it's set us back.

However my husband is seething. He won't initiate conversation with me and tends to avoid me as much as possible. I don't know what to do. I've apologised. He's taken no interest in the house or our finances.
Ive apologised and there isn't much more I can do.
i think he needs to come to terms with what's happend so we can move on.

Hmm so you have had past arguments abut spending.
He had other people line up to do quotes but you went on ahead without discussion.
Then you had to cash in ISA to pay for it

Yeah Id be super annoyed

Was he related to your friend?

I have a family member in my family who is a tradesman, family members recommend him to others so he can get jobs, there's no way I'd let him in my house let alone to friends.

Looking at it from his POV…

My sister is argumentative. The words “sure!” and “oh, i see, that’s fine,” do not exist in her vocabulary. Everything from where to eat, to what to watch on tv, to royal family gossip to geopolitics has to be debated and woe betide anyone who counters her opinion.

We’ve been spending a lot of time together in recent years due to her health issues, and after years of what amounts to selfish bullying, i have just shut down. I do what is necessary, go through the motions, smile and don’t bother offering opinions. I don’t have the energy to fight what amounts to near bullying.

OP’s husband taking sick days reminds me of how I felt when i just gave up on having a normal relationship of equals with her.

I think this is just the tip of the iceberg for your husband.
I mean not many people have sick days off because of a painting job gone wrong.
It just says you do this often and he's just had enough of it.

I hear you we have a member in our family like this.
Its to much work and most of us have drifted away from her.
Its her way or no way, she's right never wrong.
Her opinion only counts.
If she dose anything that fucks up its someone else fault.
She had 2 divorces and still blames the men.
When it was her spending habits and arguments that caused it.

Theres so much info missing here.
Was the decorator not skilled or was it a matter of taste that it had to be re done? If so yours or your dh's
If it was a bad job why did you pay the decorator? Or did you pay for it all in advance? And can you get it back, even though the small claims court?

Why are you just accepting that you had to get it all redone at your cost?
Your home insurance usually carries legal costs for issues like dealing with bad tradespeople.

my sister has been dumped by two husbands as well, and after spending lots of time under her roof being her whipping boy, i completely understand.

But she portrays them as cads and everyone who doesn’t live with her thinks she’s witty and fun. The knives only come out in private. And as you say, fuckups on her part are always someone else’s fault. She is relentless in her domineering ways.

You have made a pretty bad error of judgement. You wanted the house decorated quickly for a birthday (not really an urgent issue) and so you disregarded what your husband wanted , even though he had people lined up to quote, and due to that you ended up cashing in your ISA. I almost think this is a reverse. He is acting childishly, but you cant just say he needs to come to terms with it, especially as it seems to have made him ill. If my husband rode roughshod over what I recommended and ended up spending our savings, I would be very annoyed. I think you need to apologise with humility. Say that you do not want to make all financial decisions, as obviously only one person making choices is not a good thing as demonstrated here, its also not viable or appropriate for him to just pullout of life decisions . Put suggestions on how you can address this - ie financial meetings with agreements (Sounds very formal but my hubs and i have monthly financial meetings) and how you will progress with key financial deicisons in the future. And give him time.

You are going to need marriage counseling to get through this one.

From your posts I am gathering that

• he was actively helping with the screening process
• this was a big job because otherwise when it went awry you would not have needed to break into your isa
• this was not an urgent repair, given that the deadline was a celebration, not a mention of living with a problem like water damage

Going forward without full agreement from both people was completely unnecessary. He is justified in his anger, yet you don’t seem to understand that what you did was wrong. Instead, you speak of the urgency of the situation and having a personal recommendation.

He may not be handling his anger perfectly at this point, but sometimes saying nothing is better than screaming.

You can’t change what happened, but you need to get to the heart of the communication issue. You need to get some perspective on why he is really upset

People who are committed to making their marriage work, and who love and respect their partners do not behave this way over an error of judgement on the part of their partner, that could have happened to anyone.
It's understandable to be angry at the money lost and frustrated that you feel you knew best but were overridden. However perspective is needed. He 'didn't like' the guy but clearly didn't know anymore than you that this would happen or I'm sure he'd have overridden you.
My point, when someone seems intent on holding a grudge over a genuine error, and punishing their partner despite an apology and where there's nothing that can be done, it often speaks of a cruelty of character and/or other resentment bubbling away under the surface.
In your position I'd tell him that this couldn't go on. He must decide to treat you properly, or that it's too big to get over and leave you. Because you won't live in a state of indefinite punishment.

It just seems like a bizarre reaction from someone who has no interest in the house or money.

Or does he have no interest to sort anything out for the house or to pay for anything either, nothing bizarre about a lazy man leaving everything to his wife and then getting mad if it goes wrong.

Hmm, does he always sulk like a child when things go wrong?

Yes he was right, you should have got quotes, and also being pressured into a quick decision should have been a red flag for you. On the other hand, going with a personal recommendation is usually a good idea. (But did you actually see the work your friend had had done?)

However, I don't understand why it cost double. If you weren't happy with the first decorator why did you pay him? And why didn't you ask him to come back and rectify the faults? It sounds like both of you are acting quite immaturely.

I think you do need to do more than just apologise. For a start, you need to assure your husband that big decisions will be made jointly going forwards AND MEAN IT!.

Team DH

Except that OP has clearly stated that he lined up other decorators to give quotes, and she blew that off.

If this is one off sulking because you ended expending loads of money I would left him sulk for a bit, no need to apologise further, what is done is done. Yeah, the decision you made was crap and had consequences. Don't justify it own it and learn the lesson for the future, although I'm not sure what lesson you can learn for this other than check the quotes thoroughly and the reviews.
If this is one of the many sulks you got a husband problem.
In the other hand if you always want to be the one in charge regardless and you never take advice of him you need to improve that way or impulsive making decisions.

Can't you understand that the issue is that she went ahead and decided behind his back?
Scenario #1 (your judgement would be acceptable):
DW: "I've got some strong opinions about the decorating - shall I sort it?"
DH: "Yep, sure - choose who you think best"
Scenario #2 (what actually happened):
DW: "I've got some strong opinions about the decorating - shall I sort it?"
DH: "No, I've got some more quotes coming in - let's wait till they're all in to make a decision."

Can you tell the difference?

"an error of judgement on the part of their partner, that could have happened to anyone."

It wouldn't have happened to someone who respected their partner.

Jesus. No wonder he is fuming.

Unless I missed it another poster, sorry if I did but I read he wanted to go with someone else and that doesn't mean he lined up other quotes.

She did say

"He has people lined up to visit and give a quote but the decorator made it seem like if I didn't make an immediate decision he'd start a job somewhere else."

So she seems to have been railroaded into it by a dodgy tradesman

The op said

He has people lined up to visit and give a quote

she went battering on with her person and didn’t wait for the others to come and give quotes. I’d be raging.

Team DH, I am afraid. Someone pressuring you to give them work without giving you time to think should have been your first red flag. You overrode you DH's sensible request to talk to other people and get some quotes in because you wanted the work done straight away and it now it has hit you hard financially. I would be furious. This was a significant sum of money, it should have been a joint decision. Having said that, shit goes wrong with contractors, even carefully selected ones, and you wouldn't be the first people who have had to spend money to over and above a quote to put bad work right, so he is wrong to punish you indefinitely over this. What's done is done. If this is part of a wider pattern of behaviour that is pissing him off, only you can say.

Did you get quotes from other people?

I dont think its the decorating he is seething about.

It is the fact you valued the opinion of your friend more than you valued his.

So he’s being a dick but you ignored his concerns, went ahead anyway and it went wrong. This site is full of outcry and fury when a man does this so you’ve caused this. You overruled him and decided your opinions are more important.