Husband building up resentment

[Jamans]

I hired a decorator recommended by someone I know. My husband wasn't keen on him and wanted someone else but I went with my friend's recommendation.
It turned out to be a disaster; the final cost was double our estimate as we had to get someone in to fix the mess.
We've taken a big financially hit and it's set us back.

However my husband is seething. He won't initiate conversation with me and tends to avoid me as much as possible. I don't know what to do. I've apologised. He's taken no interest in the house or our finances.
Ive apologised and there isn't much more I can do.
i think he needs to come to terms with what's happend so we can move on.

@CautiousLurker2 Oh I was quite harsh, I think I posted before my morning coffee!

Sorry @Jamans I didn’t mean to be nasty. Do what you can to put it right. You’ve done wrong but it’s not the end of the world, just don’t do it again.

He just seems to have given up. He's taken a few sick days as well which isn't like him.

I don’t understand doing anything so drastic. What was the urgency to decorate??

I wanted to have the house finished so we could celebrate a birthday /& anniversary.

OP, we need more information as you can see the opinions are split even more because there is not enough information. If it happened months ago there is a problem. How much money exactly did you lose and did you go behind his back?
I don't agree with being upset and taking time to process this amounts to bullying if he was the one making that decisions the answers here would have been very different. At the moment, if you apologised there is nothing else to do, just give him the space and when you think he is in a good mood sit down with him and talk, come with a plan and take responsability. Best of luck!

He has people lined up to visit and give a quote but the decorator made it seem like if I didn't make an immediate decision he'd start a job somewhere else.

So you went behind his back. I wouldn't be impressed either.

He's being fucking pathetic. Yes, he has a right to be annoyed, but adults air out their grievances in a discussion/argument, and then it has to be put to bed. The only time it's okay to bring it up again is if you are about to make the same mistake a second time. Sulking and refusing to talk to you is ridiculous.

@Eudaimonia11 That was nowhere near as harsh as my replies can be before I’ve had at least 2 cups of coffee. LOL

However, sometimes blunt and direct gets the message across more effectively than pussyfooting around someone’s sensibilities. Am off to make a coffee myself now!

No, he's not, they had to empty their ISA. If he is angry, and he is right to be, the best thing he can do is to stay quiet as talking whilst angry is counterproductive and might start an argument or he would say things he shouldn't. This thing with grown ups talk" is pathethic imo, grown ups have emotions and feelings, they can't flick a switch at command to have a conversation. The man took time off work which means he is more affected than he lets on.

OP you seem incredibly reckless and selfish.

You say you’ve butted heads before over money - I am guessing this isn’t the first time you’ve overspent.

Why does your opinion outweigh his?

DH arranged other decorators to come out, he had reservations about this guy, this guy was only available immediately (red flag).

The only reason you’re getting any support on this thread is because you’re a woman.
If DH acted this way he would have had his arse handed to him.

That being said, depending on how long ago this was, he needs to either forgive you and move on or separate.
Obviously if it was only a couple weeks ago then it’s still very fresh and you need to give him space but if this was months ago he needs to make a decision.

Exactly!!!

I hate this idea that you must forgive your partner straight away and act normal with them else it’s abusive!

I think it stems from misogyny where we were taught we should just smile and say everything’s ok when the DH did something wrong.

Not wanting to talk to someone as normal because you’ve ruined their financial life (and completely disregarded their opinions) is normal and not abusive.

I would be needing space and time to figure out if I wanted to stay in such an unequal relationship.

In with your husband on this.

So what's the plan to replenish the savings?

Do you both work?

This changes things for me.

he had done leg work and had people coming and you over ruled him and made a unilateral decision.

how much did it cost?

I’d be pissed off too so can understand why he is but silent treatment is childish, he isn’t handling it well at all.

Whose birthday?

"but adults air out their grievances in a discussion"

Problem for the OP is she can't really go down this route seeing as she's made it clear discussion is optional when it comes to doing what she wants/making decisions so claiming adults discuss things now will only draw more attention to how wrong she was/ how hypocritical she's being

How do you intend to replenish the savings? Can you do overtime at work to earn more? I am actually on your DH side on this. He had people lined up to quote for the job but because you wanted it done fast you overruled him and it has cost you an awful lot of money. I get the feeling that you still don't really regret doing it, you just don't like having to face the consequences of your poor decision making.

It sounds like he's upset because you overruled him and went ahead, committing a lot of money to someone he wasn't sure about.

I think he needs to talk to you about it properly, but it sounds like he's at the end of his tether. I'm going to guess this isn't the first time you've done something like this. Having to cash in your ISAs is pretty huge. If you had listened to him and respected his input in the first place, it might not have come to this.

I think you need to really apologise and examine if this is a pattern of yours. Maybe you need to really commit to changing. It sounds like he is really fed up, though.

So what is your plan to fix this and to replenish your savings? You went behind his back and it went badly, "I'm sorry" isn't going to cut it, especially as there seems to be a pattern of similar behaviour from you. He's rightly angry, and probably avoiding you to not say anything that he might regret later. You need to fix this, not just sit around crying to strangers on the internet because he's being mean to you.

@Jamans I agree with this comment.
You weren't to know it would go tits up.
Your husband is behaving like a dick.
Tell him to have a word with himself or he'll have bigger issues to worry about.

He shouldn't be treating you like that

Your husband wasn't keen on this decorator and wanted someone else, but you went ahead with your friend's recommendation.

It sounds like you have little or no respect for your husband's opinion and just plough ahead with what you want.

What happened? Did it turn out to be a bigger job which would have been an issue anyway , or was your friends recommendation of guy really bad?

To me this sounds like it's about a bigger issue of him feeling overridden and dominated.

So you rode roughshod over what your DH said and thought? Why could it have not waited a bit for more quotes? He had even organised them.

I'd be fuming too and I would not be satisfied with an apology about his specific event. I'd want clear assurances that my opinion would be listened to and acted on in future. I would also want reassurance that you actually valued my opinion on other things and that in future you would take my opinion into account on things like spending joint money

Are you willing to do that??