Husband building up resentment

[Jamans]

I hired a decorator recommended by someone I know. My husband wasn't keen on him and wanted someone else but I went with my friend's recommendation.
It turned out to be a disaster; the final cost was double our estimate as we had to get someone in to fix the mess.
We've taken a big financially hit and it's set us back.

However my husband is seething. He won't initiate conversation with me and tends to avoid me as much as possible. I don't know what to do. I've apologised. He's taken no interest in the house or our finances.
Ive apologised and there isn't much more I can do.
i think he needs to come to terms with what's happend so we can move on.

My DH wanted to get quotes from other people.

I'm going to hazard a guess that he did not mean HE wanted to get quotes from other people. He wanted OP to do that extra work.
If so then he needs to accept his part in it. He can't be all hands off and then find fault. My husband can be a bit like that - takes it for granted that I'll research and sort everything (from renovations to holidays to childcare) and then moan and pick holes in any bits he doesn't then like. No thanks for sorting the stuff that works out well and benefits him though! Gets pretty short shift from me and told to do it himself if he wants it done differently.

But, as other posters have did, we're only hearing your side. It's pretty bad that the costs were so high and work so bad that you both had to empty your savings. Do you have a history of bad decisions that affect joint finances?

His sulking and silent treatment is pathetic either way though.

I’d be fuming with you and I’d insist that you pay for the decorating out of your own money, no way would I be using my savings to pay for your mistake.

This is more than a mistake of yours. He specifically told you he didn’t want that decorator, why did you go behind his back and hire him anyway? You deliberately went against his wishes and it’s his house too! It shows a complete lack of respect for your husband.

You both should have got some quotes from other people and made a decision together.

Apologise to him and book some overtime at work to earn the money back that you’ve spent. It’s the least you can do. Have a think about how you can move forward and make sure you never make joint household decisions without your husband again.

It would be interesting to see the MN responses if this had been the other way around.

Sounds like it’s possible that he has other stored resentments and perhaps feels that you regularly don’t listen to him.

or he’s a dick and not handling it well

I think hes seriously annoyed that you disregarded his opinion and for failing to get other quotes. Jumping in both feet first. Things that involve big money spends should be decided together. Of course, if its coming out of your pocket, then it doesnt matter as much. Its cost you both dearly and its annoyed him thats your decision has cost him to be out of pocket.

I can see why hes washed his hands of you. You"re going to have to do more than just apologise but possibly, over time, he may mellow out and drop this.

My DH and I always discuss these things - I'd never just get someone in if he didn't agree with my choice. I'll happily let him make the choice himself but he always checks with me. We jointly own our home and we share all our money, despite me being the wealthier one.

OP went against her DH's wishes. Maybe the sulking is OTT but she should reflect on her part.

The Silent Treatment is a recognised form of abuse...
Time to consider if this is the life you want
.

So you think it is OK to sulk for weeks on end and not speak to your spouse? You do know that stonewalling is considered abuse?

I would be initially upset and angry, and wouldn't necessarily instantly forgive. Instead of have a childish tantrum though, I would engage in an adult conversation about what went wrong and why, how can we work together as a team to resolve the problem and not repeat it in future. This manbaby's refusal to do that increases the likelihood of it happening repeatedly.

She didn't know it was going to turn out badly. The decorator came on a personal recommendation.

FWIW, my husband made a poor decision selecting a builder I had expressed some concern about. It has cost us best part of £50k in corrective work. So, I do have experience of this. And have never taken it out on him like OP's husband is on her.

You pulled money out of ISAs, thus incurring a penalty, in order to rush in to using the person recommended by your friend, rather than getting quotes?
Have you acknowledged fault and apologised properly?

A bully?
I would be seething, too.
Fortunately, neither myself nor my husband make such disastrous decisions.
Recommendation indeed.

I wanted it done quickly and the recommendation was from someone who'd had work done, and we didn't have any other personal recommendations.

I can see that DH would be annoyed you insisted on going with a builder he had reservations about and not getting other quotes. Hurrying rarely works out well. Id suggest a couple of sessions of counselling together to see if you overruling him and him sulking afterwards is pattern that needs to change.

Team husband. I would be absolutely incandescent with you (and with myself for letting you browbeat me into something despite it being against my better judgement).

There’s nothing you can do. Expect him to be intransigent and unyielding in domestic matters. You have displayed appalling judgement and broken your husband’s trust.

red flag for me would be the availability for them to do it quickly, recommended or not. What did you have done that has cost so much and why did you need it done so quickly

Sorry but I’m team DH here as well. Just how much extra did this disaster cost you to fix?

It’s upsetting when work goes badly but it’s not ok for him to treat you like this. He’s entitled to say ‘I told you I didn’t like him, please respect my input in future, this has been a costly mistake’ and for you to apologise.

But cruelty in the face of something that you didn’t do intentionally is not ok.

Where does it say it’s been weeks on end?

She went against his decision - that alone I would be questioning my relationship over.

And then ruined them financially and expects him to smile and tell her it’s ok.

Why would he have a discussion with her about it when that obviously hasn’t worked in the past because she doesn’t listen to him and goes and does what she wants.

I assume he is questioning whether he wants to continue with this relationship and so it’s fair enough that he is trying to avoid talking to OP too much so he can decide what he wants to do.

Obviously if he decides to forgive her then he needs to drop it but as we don’t know how long this has been going on for, it’s reasonable that he takes time to work things out.

He's obviously seething as you pushed forward with something he didn't want to do - you ignored him and done you're own thing.

I think it partially depends on how much it cost. I this was me i wouldn't mind if it cost a few £100 more but if it ran into £1000's then i would be super pissed off.

Why didn't you decorate yourselves?

You made an error of judgement to be sure, OP, but is DH always like this: mean with money so gives you the responsibility for buying things?

What was the reason for wanting it done quickly?

I feel there is a back story here too.

How did he do such an amazing job on your friends but then an awful job on yours?

why did DH not want to use him?
Did he not like the work that was done on your friends?

I’m so sick of men. Someone he wanted could have done the exact same thing, he should be on your side as a team. They love blame game don’t they? Mine is exactly the same, if I want to order something he tells me it will be better from somewhere else. I found a locksmith and he was crap but omg my partner was vile about it! I don’t know what to say really because I think it’s abusive but I’m sure loads of people in here would say you should have decided together but I know that actually deciding ‘together’ usually means doing whatever the man wants.

Can you challenge the decorator though? He shouldn’t be ripping you off.

Not all people are "talkers-through", many people are "space takers" and needing time before they come around. You can not force someone to talk to you if they don't feel like talking, their feelings are important as well and the way they deal with problems is different to yours, this is not abuse.

When did this happen? This week? Or weeks / months ago, because if this is weeks ago you’ve got serious DH problem. He should have got over it by now, reflected and you should have discussed it together and made a plan /agreement going forward.

This! Makes the difference. Also, how much money are we talking about? You mention ISS does that mean you lost your savings? How was the decision made? Also big difference. You talked about choices and convinced him to go with yours? Or he said no and you went and hired him anyway?

How long has he been sulking? He can be annoyed but will have to get over it

A bit harshly put, but I do agree. You never hire the first person you consult even with a recommendation - you get several quotes and see if you both like them, just as DH wanted done. And it was you who wanted it done asap - it’s not like it was a broken boiler/plumbing issue where it was an emergency. Decorating could have waited a month until you found the right person.

I think, as others have pointed out, this is about more than the decorator - it is about the fact that you rode roughshod over DH’s preferences and it has cost HIM his savings.

In your position I think you need to do more than apologise for the decorator mess up - you need to acknowledge that you ignored his wishes and he has borne the cost of this. I, too, think you need to repay him the money in his ISA before topping up yours and I think you need to explore relationship or personal counselling to work out why you ignore his input into your relationship [esp where there are financial implications]. I think his simmering resentment is because of both these factors - that he feels unvalued/unheard and has suffered financially for the decision you made. You need to remedy both of these, IMHO.

If this is a cumulative, recurring pattern, then it may be that your relationship long term is at risk if you don’t deal with it.