Husband building up resentment

[Jamans]

I hired a decorator recommended by someone I know. My husband wasn't keen on him and wanted someone else but I went with my friend's recommendation.
It turned out to be a disaster; the final cost was double our estimate as we had to get someone in to fix the mess.
We've taken a big financially hit and it's set us back.

However my husband is seething. He won't initiate conversation with me and tends to avoid me as much as possible. I don't know what to do. I've apologised. He's taken no interest in the house or our finances.
Ive apologised and there isn't much more I can do.
i think he needs to come to terms with what's happend so we can move on.

Have you seen the work your friend had done? How can he be recommended by them and such a disaster with you? Is he personally connected to the friend

Can you elaborate on the previous butting of heads for some context?

He's being very childish, but have you apologised properly? I agree with him, but not the way in which he's handling it. You said it's unusual for him to take sick days, is there anything else that could be going on?

Please remember, that any tradesperson that can has immediate availability is generally crap! My xh is a roofer, and he's booked up months ahead. The hard sell is also a give away, never ever be pushed into agreeing immediately.

ignored husband having another quote lined up
rushed into it to get it done for a birthday
messed up enough that savings had to be broached to fix it
has maybe done similar before
went ahead because pressurised by decorator....MASSIVE red flag.

Deffo team DH here. And I think he already has bigger issues to worry about.

Well it wasn't this week if it requires cashing in ISAs and they have already found someone else and had the work redone. They still have the house, it has not financially ruined them, that is MN hyperbole.

She has apologised and quite clearly recognises her fuck up and wants to make amends. But he won't tell her how.

Yes, he may be questioning their relationship but if I was OP I would be taking that decision out of his hands.

its not up to him to tell her how to fix it. Its up to the person who screwed up to make proper amends.....and if I was the husband, I wouldn't be waiting for the OP's decision.

But why? To the exclusion of his input?
if you had to cash out the ISAs you really couldn’t afford it. Decorating is a luxury, not a necessity.

Yeah, I made that comment without reading more of the thread 😬😶‍🌫️

Having read the thread I can see why DH has gone cold.....

OP for the future if someone is pressuring you into making a decision, run! A good tradesman will tell you this is what I can offer but ask around, talk to others, take your time as you spend a lot of money ypu spend. If they pressure you it means they are dodgy and want to secure your custom before you figure it out.

"Yeah, I made that comment without reading more of the thread"

never a good idea!

Wait, you had to cash in ISAs??? How much money are we talking here? And you’ve butt heads in the past about spending money? This sounds like the straw that might have broken the camels back here! And you’re continuing to minimise your behaviour.

You wanted to decorate so you had a shoe house to celebrate an anniversary and a birthday. Husband didn’t think it was necessary or affordable but you got a quote anyway. Forced into a corner he wanted more quotes but you went ahead without discussion and it ended up going tits up and costing you all your savings.

is that an accurate version?

If it was months ago then I would agree that he needs to get over it but if it was only a couple of weeks ago then he’s within his rights to be angry still.

And you may be in a privileged position to be able to rebuild savings but not everyone is like that.

For most people losing their savings will have lifelong impacts.
If they decide to split and sell the house, they may not have enough money to get a mortgage and have to go back into rented accommodation which is almost impossible to get out of on 1 income.

Saying it’s hyperbole because you’re in a privileged position is really insensitive.

And it sounds like OP acts like she’s single anyway so she might as well be.

I agree and it sounds like her DH tried to warn her but she refused to listen.

Sadly, OP, you were a little naive. This is the equivalent of falling for a scam - I’ve learned over the years that when people couch business in terms of ‘you must decide today or the offer expires at midnight’ it is ALWAYS the case that you say, ‘then, I’ll have to pass this time’ and you show them the door.

I’ve become more confident doing it as I’ve got older (I am guessing you may not be in your 50s with kids about to/who have fled the nest so may not have as many grey hairs as me) but you never buy the ‘if you don’t contract today, I won’t be able to fit you in’ line.

I am guessing this error may have cost you somewhere to the tune of £5k+ and this may have been a significant and hard earned [and saved] lump sum for your husband. The psychological impact of ‘being scammed’ - as in effect you were - can be deep reaching and long lasting, hence your husband’s apparent downward spin into what may be depression.

I think from the tone of your replies you are focused on the fact that he is being grumpy and not forgiven you - but you don’t seem to realise the true impact of what you have done? Unless you can actually acknowledge the depth of the impact of your misjudgment, you can’t truly apologise, can you? And apologies mean nothing without subsequent changes in behaviour - otherwise, they’re just words.

I do think, given that it seems to have triggered a period of [mental] illness for your DH, that you need to sit with him, acknowledge how bad an error this was and ask him what you can do to rectify it. It may mean saving up or taking out a loan to repay him, it may be counselling to explore how you can learn to listen to each other better - but, ultimately, you need to ask him to explain what he wants from you going forward and you need to act on it.

He played you. Obviously desperate for work. In future just so you know, good trades people don’t have immediate start dates. My loft conversion I had to wait 18mnths & my decorator I waited 3 months for. Only finalising colours a few days before the start

Not all mistakes are fixed and forgiven just by apologising. You've broken his trust here – you went ahead with something expensive that you knew he wasn't happy about. Even if it had worked out, he might have been pretty unhappy with you. Then of course, it didn't work out, and has cost quite a lot of money that had to come from your joint savings.

Trust is given freely only once; it takes hard work to earn it back once it is broken. Have you acknowledged how serious this is, talked about what you can do to earn his trust back, and how you'll do things differently in future? And are you actually doing those things? Depending on the details of your financial situation, a discussion about how you're going to get back on track there may also be required.

I'm kinda 50/50 on this. You ignored his advice and pressed on, and it turned out to be a right mess. No wonder he's pissed off.

Unless money is no object you should always get quotes. I’ve had thousands £ difference quotes for various jobs around the house.

In your husbands shoes I’d feel undermined and annoyed but it’s not reasonable to hold a grudge forever. Have you held your hands up to the mistake and apologised? There’s always a risk getting work done even on a recommendation so there only so much flack you can take for this, unfortunately shit happens sometimes and sometimes it can be costly.

When was the work done and how long has he been acting like this? A couple of days? Ok. A couple of months? A much bigger problem.

Is there something else going on. Are you struggling more financially than you’re aware. Dipping into savings doesn’t suggest you could comfortably afford the work done. I suspect his excitement was high jacked by your own & you’ve made a decision without consulting him first. The decorator had other quotes to do not other jobs. They don’t look for the next when the last one finishes they line up weeks if not months of work. His immediate availability should have rang alarm bells which I suspect is your husbands point. You could have waited. Personally my husband would be livid if I gave a job on the spot to someone without discussing it. Decorators are very expensive & a good one takes along time doing their job. They fill sand, misty coat & repeat until they get a perfect wall. If you’d have gotten more quotes I suspect the length & cost of the job may have highlighted this man wasn’t adequate

Agree. I waited 15 months to get on a decorator’s schedule. And it was worth the wait; he was meticulous.

If I want it done fast, I do it myself.

Is there scope to get your money back from the first painter through small claims?

Yep & they take forever to do the job. Longer than I thought was reasonable. But alas a perfect job was done.

There's also nothing more frustrating than your partner completely ignoring or disregarding your recommendations or thoughts on a subject only to then take as gospel a recommendation from their friend for the very same thing.

It's annoying when it's about a restaurant you've been looking to try, you'd be livid if they fucked your ISA because everyone involved including their friend and a dodgy tradesman knew better and had their opinions valued but yours was irrelevant and to be dismissed.

And that will be the issue. Not that money has been lost on a joint decision or one which it had been agreed was going to be done by one partner but didn't work out. It was a joint venture which he was fully engaged in but actually when push came to shove he was treated as less valued than the op's friend and the tradesman because "fuck you, YOLO"

Someone who is available quickly is always an issue. If he was available because of a cancellation then that's one thing. If he was available because other people haven't booked him then that's another. Did you go and look at the work he'd done for your friend.

I’m not surprised he’s pissed off with you - you’ve just overruled him completely because you wanted it done straight away.

There are two separate issues here:
First one is that you hired a tradesman without getting additional quotes. I'm sure you learned your expensive lesson here.
The second issue is that you seem to have completely ignored DH's wants/opinions. This is completely separate from the fact that your decision turned out to be incorrect. I would guess that you don't think you actually did anything wrong in doing this - all of your responses in this thread are framed in terms of "I wanted...". This is pretty bad behaviour and can't just be let go. This is why your DH is acting in a way that you interpret as sulking. It's not that he's dealing with it badly it's more that neither of you are communicating about the real issue. I really wouldn't take PP's advice to threaten or hint at separating as you might not like what happens.
As always, you need to communicate about it, maybe through a counsellor in this case.