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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

309 replies

Plasey · 10/12/2025 01:38

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/12/2025 02:31

A man who cannot parent his own children is not a man I would want in my life. What is wrong with him? Have you asked him?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 10/12/2025 02:42

I think if he has 50 members of staff... he can be spared for 48 hrs.

Separately his business must be doing amazingly / i bet your house is 🤩.

If hes scared of 48hrs solo unless youve got 3 under 3 or something all the more reason to let him build confidence.
I might get my mum or sibling to come one afternoon for a few hours to join (not take over) if I was feeling kind.

PollyBell · 10/12/2025 02:45

WallaceinAnderland · 10/12/2025 02:31

A man who cannot parent his own children is not a man I would want in my life. What is wrong with him? Have you asked him?

But he has children and works the op doesn't so questions and comments can be put towards both sides

Swash89 · 10/12/2025 04:12

He’s a bit pathetic! Just let him deal with them and if a work issue comes up, he has to delegate.

Lambington · 10/12/2025 05:09

Id be more concerned about the potentially precarious state of his buisiness if he cant deligate tasks for 48 hours. Do you never go on holiday? What happens if he gets sick?

Anxiouswaffle · 10/12/2025 05:24

If he has to go in could he not call upon your siblings/parents then - eg only if he needs to?

NumbersGuy · 10/12/2025 05:46

OP you're being very selfish here. DH works to provide the support for a FAMILY OF 5. Having 50+ employees depending on you, yes it's a likely 24/7 commitment, which is why it's a pipedream to disregard prior arrangements that have worked simply because you want him to suffer and you dress it up as principle. You're not working, he could at any time lose his business because being self-employed gives you NO benefits, so why take a chance on dismantling what has worked in the past. It makes no logical sense when spouses want to take screw around with your only source of income for no realistic and logical point. Besides, if he gets called into at the last minute, he's not going to have time to arrange sitting arrangements for 3 children, especially since he appears to be needing to be on-call 7 days a week.

Original poster
Plasey · 10/12/2025 05:47

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 10/12/2025 02:42

I think if he has 50 members of staff... he can be spared for 48 hrs.

Separately his business must be doing amazingly / i bet your house is 🤩.

If hes scared of 48hrs solo unless youve got 3 under 3 or something all the more reason to let him build confidence.
I might get my mum or sibling to come one afternoon for a few hours to join (not take over) if I was feeling kind.

His business has large overheads and slim margins. We are certainly not rolling in it. He pays himself a fair salary and we are comfortable

OP posts:
Celestialmoods · 10/12/2025 05:48

You want to make life difficult for him just for the sake of it? If he didn’t pull his weight or provide for the family, then your principal might be worth fighting for, but as that’s not the case, you are being petty.

You’re being supported
to be a SAHM for a reason. How would you feel about it if your DH decided you need to bring in three days worth of income according to your current expenses while looking after the children as well? Or is that different because you’re a woman?

Original poster
Plasey · 10/12/2025 05:49

I don’t want to have to send my kids to my family when they have another parent. He can lean on my family if absolutely needed. They shouldn’t be the default.

OP posts:
Arthurnewyorkcity · 10/12/2025 06:18

They shouldn't be the default but a weekend off parenting is nice for anyone surely. You're the one going off. This is purely on principle. If you feel hes not doing enough parenting when he is home or not appreciated in your sahm role that's a different conversation. If my parents were happy to have my kids for the occasional weekend id love them to! The trip shouldn't depend on childcare but even 1 of the 2 nights would be nice, you can both have a break.

Parker231 · 10/12/2025 06:23

Plasey · 10/12/2025 05:49

I don’t want to have to send my kids to my family when they have another parent. He can lean on my family if absolutely needed. They shouldn’t be the default.

So he “helps out” with the DC’s but doesn’t actually do any parenting?

PollyBell · 10/12/2025 06:26

Arthurnewyorkcity · 10/12/2025 06:18

They shouldn't be the default but a weekend off parenting is nice for anyone surely. You're the one going off. This is purely on principle. If you feel hes not doing enough parenting when he is home or not appreciated in your sahm role that's a different conversation. If my parents were happy to have my kids for the occasional weekend id love them to! The trip shouldn't depend on childcare but even 1 of the 2 nights would be nice, you can both have a break.

This is what I would have done if dh was away i would have happily sent them to grandparents and had a weekend to myself

Dontlletmedownbruce · 10/12/2025 06:28

A compromise is possible surely. Have someone to help for a few hours during the afternoons so dh can take a break or catch up on work. I don't think someone with that level of responsibility should take on 48 hours childcare with the constant stress of not knowing when he will be called upon. He needs a break but so do you. If a work crisis arises then he can call on family but have a back up plan in place, it's probably just for peace of mind as much as anything.

Starrystarrysky · 10/12/2025 06:29

Of course he should be able to do this. Giving your team the skills and training to manage emergencies without you is part of being a leader. It sounds like he hasn't learned to delegate properly because he's always known he doesn't have any commitments that he can't drop for the business. Keep your parents on standby if needed, but I think it's important for him and the kids that he also parents.

Bobbie12345678 · 10/12/2025 06:30

I think you need to give a lot more information for anyone to say.
How often does he have to go in on a weekend? What would you propose if he did have to go in? What would he do with the kids?

Original poster
Plasey · 10/12/2025 07:08

Bobbie12345678 · 10/12/2025 06:30

I think you need to give a lot more information for anyone to say.
How often does he have to go in on a weekend? What would you propose if he did have to go in? What would he do with the kids?

He will definitely go in most weekends. It’s the nature of his work that emergencies happen. I’m okay with that. If he had to go in I would have him drop the kids off with family.

OP posts:
Lurker85 · 10/12/2025 07:15

Never have more kids than you can look after on your own as you don’t know what may happen. if he can’t handle looking after his own kids with no help for 2 days then he shouldn’t be a parent of that many children. I can see why you are doing it in principle, I would want to know that if anything happened to me that he would be able to cope with the kids if my family weren’t available. I would also be embarrassed about approaching my family to say the man I chose to have kids with isnt capable of looking after them for 2 days, can you help?

PermanentTemporary · 10/12/2025 07:15

How old are the children?

I think if I’m honest that putting he’s ’self employed’ is a bit disingenuous, like he’s an accountant with clients whose work he can flex. He’s a business owner. He’s telling you that relying on him to be free for two solid days (two nights? Three?) isn’t solid childcare. I get that you don’t like that but it’s true.

So reluctantly I am saying I’m team DH, up to a point. I do think he should be able to come up with a solution that he takes care of himself. Where’s his family in all this?

AgnesX · 10/12/2025 07:19

PollyBell · 10/12/2025 02:45

But he has children and works the op doesn't so questions and comments can be put towards both sides

Show quote history

What is it with MN this week. The number of apologists for the male species.

Her DH should be capable of parenting solo for one weekend of the year. One weekend where he needs to commit to his family.

If he's saying he can't there's something wrong with how he's running his business.

CypressGrove · 10/12/2025 07:20

If you are talking about a weekend away between now and Christmas that's not a great time for many businesses. I wouldn't want to add stress on to my DH for a matter of principle at this time of the year (or any time really, bur particularly not now).

bizkittt · 10/12/2025 07:21

I couldn’t imagine being shackled to someone I wouldn’t leave my children with. What a sad sack he is if he won’t even look after his own children at the weekend.

sittingonabeach · 10/12/2025 07:23

Do you ever have family holidays @Plasey

Have some posters missed the bit where the DH has been away for recreation at the weekends, who covers work then @Plasey

letitallopen · 10/12/2025 07:24

How old are they?

I don’t see the point in making life difficult for the sake of a principle, to be honest. I know some would - fine, but that’s not how marriage , respect and love should work IMO.

OllyBJolly · 10/12/2025 07:28

Don't underestimate waking up every day with the burden of responsibility of funding 51 mortgages/rents. Running a business is often a 7 day week job - it's rarely possible just to switch off. And yes agree with @PermanentTemporary - he's a business owner, not self employed. He's probably facing a lot of the challenges impacting small businesses right now - uncertain trading environment, increased costs, higher taxation.

I think OP is being unfair here - he's not shirking parental responsibilities; he's taking them seriously. Neither of you can afford to run into major issues with his business. If there are other childcare options then that's probably better all round.

And for all of those saying there's something wrong with how he's running his business if he can't leave it for a couple of days - you likely have no idea how challenging it is to run a low margin business. There is little room for additional resource.

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