Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

[Plasey]

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

I'm with you. We have 3 and my husband does look after them. First time he had them all that I remember for a long weekend they were 4, 6 and 8. My parents are in the city in case they are needed. However, it is up to your husband how he plans to manage this and to make his own arrangements. I would definitely lose respect for him if he can't do it. But 3 young kids do require practise and if he isn't practised because you do it all then you need to ease him in....

I think it's fine to arrange for him to be in charge of the kids whilst you're away. If he then decides it's not possible he should be the one to arrange whether they go to your family for the night etc. I do think it's odd if he's wanting them to stay for family for the full weekend when he doesn't know for sure he's having to work. You would have thought he'd want to aim spend at least one afternoon with them.

I guess it depends how quickly he needs to be at work if an issue comes up. If he needs to be there quickly and family live hours away then that does make more sense for them to stay with family just in case.

If you’ve got willing family I don’t see why you can’t ask them for the odd weekend. Seems like you are standing on principle here and want to force DH to cover for you when you know it might be difficult for him.

I would have DH look after the kids with family on standby if he does need to work. I’m not sure why that’s such an issue?

You haven't set up a life where your husband has consistently solo parented alone and now you want to leave him with 3 kids knowing he will likely get called into work?

If you wanted a life where you do 50/50 work and parenting, you should have insisted on that years ago.

Do you ever go on family holidays or away as a couple? What arrangements are in place for the business then?

I’m sort of on the fence on this one as if something cocks up big time with the business because he couldn’t get into work or he took his eye off the ball, your family might all be up shit’s creek. What is the industry he works in?

My dh can and does look after our 3 on his own. We do not have your set up though and have always both worked around each other. We don't have family to rely upon tbh and in general neither of us needs help to parent our own children.

Your set up is a choice and having multiple children with a dh that is often unavailable is in my view a poor one. I often find that where the father opts out of actual parenting the mother relies on help from somewhere and it's often her family that get roped in. Again if your family are fine with that then fair enough but I would be annoyed to be default childcare when a parent is available.

He manages to go away himself so has some sort of emergency cover availableat work then. Why can't he use that when you are away?

A lot of women want a man who earns a lot of money and that often comes with very long working hours and commitments. This is what they wanted. They didnt want a middle manager who can leave the office at 5. They wanted the CEO.

I’m more unsure about this that I usually would be as he does work most weekends and your set up facilitates that. Of course you have the right to change that, and this could be a good starting point.

But while you might have signed up to this set up, your family haven’t. And is it fair not just for them to be the default childcare, but for you to have to make all the arrangements?

Finally - does he want to know his children?

This. It is really not uncommon for a small business to rely on one person to do a lot of the running. People commenting on here as if anyone who sets up a business right goes into it with a huge band of staff. Lots don't. Lots are one man bands for years, and even when they do take on staff may not have staff that can do everything for years.

It's fine to say you don't want to be in this situation, but building that flexibility into the business is something that takes time and effort. It has to be a long term goal, not something you husband does at the drop of a hat. For now, who can be reliable fall back childcare if you aren't there and something goes wrong at work?

She doesn't even "help out" with bringing in the money to support the family. She's completely opted out of that responsibility.

I just can't fathom why women do this to themselves.

Why are you so set on 'principles? Are you trying g to prove a point? Are you resenring the fact he might gave a weekend to enjoy freedom like you?

Ultimately, of course the solution would be for him to look after kids and have a plan in case he has to go to work. If he would need to go in an emergency, that plan needs to be sound. Would your family be available at the drop of a hat? How far are they?

For all we know the younger ones could be a multiple birth @Evergreen21

but in any event a lot of the time you just can’t know how things will turn out. I have to admit I didn’t realise how much would fall to me until I was in the thick of it anyway and it was too late by then. Mostly these things are a slow slide.

Ever heard the saying ‘cutting off your nose to spite your face’?
You're at great pains to point out what a stressful, hard time your dh has running the business, which presumably provides for you and your family, yet you’ve decided that now is the time to mix things up on a whim, with no particular benefit to you. and extra stress for your dh! I could understand it, if your usual childcare provision was unavailable, but otherwise it seems a bit odd.

His work and all the stress he takes on has enabled you to be a sahm. If his business goes under your whole li Seattle would have to change. I really wouldn’t make this a hill to die on. Just ask family and let everyone breathe.
you have a DH that works hard for his family and your post says he does help when not working. You are creating problems that really don’t need to be made here as you have other options.

Yes , you are being unreasonable, and of course you don’t shift the kids out on the weekend when he goes away because you don’t have a stressful job you might get called into and as you said he’s there most weekends !

It is entirely feasible that the OP has a far more stressful time of things than her DH, depending on the age of the children!

Exactly this.
and very un supportive of you to swan off for a weekend away with friends

If he’s only making enough money to be ‘comfortable’, this seems a strange choice of job as a father. He essentially doesn’t know his children at all. Never sees them. Cant look after them. No holidays. No hobbies for either of you.
if I had a job that needed me 24-7 to the extent that I couldn’t spend time with my own children, I’d want it to be financially spectacular.
but as an aside - doesn’t he want to ?!? He barely knows his children, he should embrace this weekend, want to do it, and enjoy it. What’s the point of having kids?

@TMMC1 but he has managed to go away for weekends

He does ‘help’ he is a partner and a parent.

Language matters.

But does he not deserve a weekend off like you are having a weekend off?

Why don't you want to send DC to your family, other than to make a point/be difficult?

There's a world of difference between managing the DC as a SAHM and doing it alongside any work related emergency. How often does he need to work at weekends normally?

I agree with others I'd be worried if he's employing 50+ staff and yet no one can step in for him and it's not providing a great lifestyle. Why is he taking on all that stress? Could it be done smaller but better?

That said if he's managing to provide a "comfortable" lifestyle for you all without you working, I suspect you're being unnecessarily negative about how well the business does. What could you do that would bring in similar income?

I think we often underestimate how stressful it is knowing that an entire family is completely reliant on you financially.