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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

309 replies

Plasey · 10/12/2025 01:38

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

OP posts:
SJone0101 · 10/12/2025 09:11

Ophy83 · 10/12/2025 09:10

I disagree with this. DH and I are both self-employed. If I'm going away for a fun weekend with friends at a time when he has a lot on at work, I make sure to sort out back up childcare if he needs it. And vice versa.

Show quote history

But in this situation, you are both self employed, and I assume, have a more equal split.

In a complete reverse of the OP's situation, there is just no way that she would do what he is suggesting.

EarthlyNightshade · 10/12/2025 09:13

crossedlines · 10/12/2025 08:36

So you’re a SAHM and you have parents and siblings who help you out, while he has a stressful business to run, responsibility for over 50 staff, works long hours during the week and then most weekends something will happen which require him to go in….
i can see who’s got the raw deal in this marriage and it’s not you.

There's quite often a weird sense on here that men are unable to make any decisions in a marriage and that it's always the woman's fault.

If he's not happy, then he needs to sit down with OP and work out a better balance - they are his children as well and he should care who is looking after them - and at least occasionally that should be him.

Ophy83 · 10/12/2025 09:14

SJone0101 · 10/12/2025 09:11

But in this situation, you are both self employed, and I assume, have a more equal split.

In a complete reverse of the OP's situation, there is just no way that she would do what he is suggesting.

Show quote history

It sounds like for him the weekends are partially working days. It would be like him going away, leaving her with the kids and asking her to do some of his work at the same time. I doubt she would!

wingingit1987 · 10/12/2025 09:14

Could he delegate tasks to other staff members and plan on being off that weekend, but have your family on standby for any emergencies?

AliceMaforethought · 10/12/2025 09:17

YABU. Why don't you work?

MsSquiz · 10/12/2025 09:19

So when OP’s DH goes away, should she also ship the kids off so she gets a weekend off?

surely the logical answer is DH has the kids but with family as a “standby” should he need to go into work? I presume he wouldn’t be needed at work for the full time OP is away!

I am also a SAHM and my DH works. If he goes away, I am responsible for the children and if I go away, he is. If he had prior arrangements that clashed with my plans, I would organise a babysitter for that time.

user1492757084 · 10/12/2025 09:19

It's fair that DH looks after his children for the weekend.
Also fair and reasonable that DH will probably be called into work.
A work place is not safe for kids.
Staying home alone is not safe for the kids.

Have one frozen meal ready incase DH is called in over over a meal time.
Organise your family as emergencies.
A specific person for each half day who DH can call to come over - or who will welcome the kids at their place.

Your reasoning could be that the kids are now getting older and there will soon be a time when DH can leave them safely at home, as teenagers, for an hour or two..

All that said, DH is clearly a very hard working and responsible businessman.
If leaving the kids with him ADDS to his cortisol levels and causes stress, that is not in the interests of his sustainable good health and without him you would all be in the poor house..

Naunet · 10/12/2025 09:20

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 09:09

Oh please, SHE DECIDED TO HAVE CHILDREN, they are HER responsibility. Yet she has opted out of making any financial contribution whatsoever towards housing, feeding and clothing them, and has dumped that entire responsibility on their dad.

Show quote history

Who pays the bills is between the parents, who parents them impacts the kids. Do you think it doesn't matter at all if he never parents his own children? Do you think the impact on them of knowing their dad can make time to have his own weekends away, but he ever wants to spend time alone with them, doesnt matter? Your hatred and bitterness towards SAHMs is clouding your judgement.

MsSquiz · 10/12/2025 09:20

AliceMaforethought · 10/12/2025 09:17

YABU. Why don't you work?

Because she is a stay at home parent?

Sprogonthetyne · 10/12/2025 09:22

If he's not working at the weekend, then he should be capable of caring for his own children. Even if he dose sometimes work weekends, he should be able to schedule some time away and leave his second in command on call that weekend. I assume that is what he would do if it was him going away? Your weekend should be no different.

At a push I might suggest he speak to your family and ask if they would be available as back up child care, for a few hours if something comes up and he absolutely must go in to work, but only while he handles true emergencies to the point they can be handed over to whoevers on call.

SJone0101 · 10/12/2025 09:25

AliceMaforethought · 10/12/2025 09:17

YABU. Why don't you work?

I would imagine that if the OP did work, she would also be responsible for the children at the weekend.

As well as all of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, mental load etc, because heaven forbid we give men any responsibility.

Thundertoast · 10/12/2025 09:29

larkstar · 10/12/2025 09:09

Firstly, they are his kids... not just yours.
Secondly, this is bad management is he runs his business in such a way that it is so dependent on him being there - unless he has a bit of a Napoleon complex - really he should have put in place people (i.e. trained, developed, recruited, promoted) that can run the business in his absence... unless he would feel threatened by having equally competent people working around him: this is bad for his business (it's employees and customers) and ultimately for you and your kids if he becomes ill, unavailable or incapacitated in some way - you really should talk to him about this and ask him what the plan is if he becomes ill, etc - doesn't this put the whole family at risk? If he buries his head in the sand over problems he doesn't like the look of... should he be running a business in the first place? If might not be bad management... it could be that he just doesn't want to have to deal with family life and the business is just an excuse.

Edited

Came on to say exactly this.
Id understand if he only employed 5 people but at that many people he should absolutely have at least one if not more people who can cover him in his absence. Surely there's very few things that ONLY he can do as owner, and surely those arent things where he needs to be in the entire weekend. Appreciate that its incredibly tough out there but there are also plenty of business owners who will go 'noone else can do it' when thats not physically true. I understand, when its your business, your livelihood, but when you have a family thats surely the first thing you need to make sure you have in place in your business... if he fell ill and went into hospital the business would still keep going.

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 09:33

Naunet · 10/12/2025 09:20

Who pays the bills is between the parents, who parents them impacts the kids. Do you think it doesn't matter at all if he never parents his own children? Do you think the impact on them of knowing their dad can make time to have his own weekends away, but he ever wants to spend time alone with them, doesnt matter? Your hatred and bitterness towards SAHMs is clouding your judgement.

Show quote history

No hatred towards SAHMs, I was one for a couple of years as that worked best for the family.

I get frustrated when people don't understand that working outside the home is a far, far harder job than being a SAHM, and are so dimissive of the person who is picking up their share of financially providing for the children, so they can have the privilege of staying at home.

I've been a SAHM and I've been the provider. The SAHM years were by far the easiest and most fun by a county mile, and I am grateful to my DH that he shouldered the burden in order to facilitate me doing that. However, I was back at work once my youngers was one, because I understood my responsibilty as a parent to provide for them in conjuntion with DH. Obviouly when we equally provided, we equally shared the house & patenting load too.

RedToothBrush · 10/12/2025 09:34

You can't outsource or delegate parenting. Even if you are a big honcho employer

The kids need Dad to be able to get off his arse and demostrate his own parenting skill, if for no other reason so they understand that parenting isn't just for Mum.

He's a self serving twat, who sees you as just another employee and you should be seriously concerned about this dynamic for a number of reasons.

EarthlyNightshade · 10/12/2025 09:36

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 09:09

Oh please, SHE DECIDED TO HAVE CHILDREN, they are HER responsibility. Yet she has opted out of making any financial contribution whatsoever towards housing, feeding and clothing them, and has dumped that entire responsibility on their dad.

Show quote history

Why do you feel that the dad has no say in this arrangement?

If the OP worked as well, would you then agree that DH should look after the kids for a weekend?

RedToothBrush · 10/12/2025 09:41

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 09:09

Oh please, SHE DECIDED TO HAVE CHILDREN, they are HER responsibility. Yet she has opted out of making any financial contribution whatsoever towards housing, feeding and clothing them, and has dumped that entire responsibility on their dad.

Show quote history

He hasn't had any choice about how many hours he spends running the business and how much time he devotes to that rather than his family?

Alright...

What a load of jealous bullshit.

Its ONE weekend. The kids will probably adore the attention from Dad that they don't normally get - so its in the kids best interests.

TBH she probably should get a job though now, not because shes somehow 'opted out of financial contribution' which think is a load of bullshit anyway but because her husband is an inadequate parent and he needs to step up and he doesn't think much of what the OP DOES contribute to the family and business indirectly. He thinks parenting is beneath him and for this he needs a rocket up his arse and no room for excuses.

Glamba · 10/12/2025 09:43

YANBU.

The children are not an admin task, they are actual people who deserve a relationship with their dad. You can't do that bit for him and neither can your extended family. He would enjoy them so much more if he invested in building that relationship a bit more. Start a little "daddy day" tradition - pancakes and a film, or a trip to a great park. It doesn't have to be expensive or complicated, just a genuine attempt at connection.

BernardButlersBra · 10/12/2025 09:45

Yes, he sounds pathetic. It will give him more of an insight what you do everyday and it’s only 1 weekend. Why should your family or his family pick up the slack?

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 09:50

EarthlyNightshade · 10/12/2025 09:36

Why do you feel that the dad has no say in this arrangement?

If the OP worked as well, would you then agree that DH should look after the kids for a weekend?

Show quote history

If they shared the responsibility of the providing "job", then of course they should share the responsibility of the parenting "job".

But it seems they've agreed that he does 100% of the providing "job" and in return she does 100% of the parenting "job". So, yes, chilcare falls to her to either provide or make arrangements for someone else to provide. Fine for her to ask him, but he's not available as he foresees he will need to do his providing "job". So it is up to her to make other arrangements as that is her "job" and responsibility.

FWIW, I think long term SAHP aren't a good thing, because it deskills and financially disadvantages the SAHP (usually a women). But if you've swapped your half share responsibility to provide with his half share of responsibility to parent, then parenting becomes your full responsibility, just as providing becomes his full responsibility.

EarthlyNightshade · 10/12/2025 09:53

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 09:50

If they shared the responsibility of the providing "job", then of course they should share the responsibility of the parenting "job".

But it seems they've agreed that he does 100% of the providing "job" and in return she does 100% of the parenting "job". So, yes, chilcare falls to her to either provide or make arrangements for someone else to provide. Fine for her to ask him, but he's not available as he foresees he will need to do his providing "job". So it is up to her to make other arrangements as that is her "job" and responsibility.

FWIW, I think long term SAHP aren't a good thing, because it deskills and financially disadvantages the SAHP (usually a women). But if you've swapped your half share responsibility to provide with his half share of responsibility to parent, then parenting becomes your full responsibility, just as providing becomes his full responsibility.

Show quote history

I agree with you that SAHM wouldn't be my choice.

But I still think the children deserve to spend time with both parents and I find it a bit strange that because the OP doesn't work, that you think that gets her DH totally off the hook from any parenting.

sittingonabeach · 10/12/2025 09:54

SAHP don't do 100% of the parenting job, otherwise they never get a break, whereas the money provider doesn't work 24/7 (and if they are on call 24/7 there is something wrong with business model. My dad ran a business with workforce, we still managed to go on holiday even abroad)

Uptightmumma · 10/12/2025 09:55

I run my own business my husband went away a few weeks ago for the weekend. I have 2 boys, over the weekend he was away. I had to work, take both boys to football matches, take one to cricket training, me and the youngest have season tickets for premier league team who were at home! I called my brother to watch the eldest one for a couple of hours for me. But the business didn’t collapse, the kids got to their activities and we were fed and watered! He can 100% do it

AliceMaforethought · 10/12/2025 09:58

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 09:50

If they shared the responsibility of the providing "job", then of course they should share the responsibility of the parenting "job".

But it seems they've agreed that he does 100% of the providing "job" and in return she does 100% of the parenting "job". So, yes, chilcare falls to her to either provide or make arrangements for someone else to provide. Fine for her to ask him, but he's not available as he foresees he will need to do his providing "job". So it is up to her to make other arrangements as that is her "job" and responsibility.

FWIW, I think long term SAHP aren't a good thing, because it deskills and financially disadvantages the SAHP (usually a women). But if you've swapped your half share responsibility to provide with his half share of responsibility to parent, then parenting becomes your full responsibility, just as providing becomes his full responsibility.

Show quote history

Hear hear!

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 10/12/2025 09:58

Given his job he should be snapping your hand off to spend some quality time with his dc..

Coffeeishot · 10/12/2025 09:58

dontmalbeconme · 10/12/2025 09:50

If they shared the responsibility of the providing "job", then of course they should share the responsibility of the parenting "job".

But it seems they've agreed that he does 100% of the providing "job" and in return she does 100% of the parenting "job". So, yes, chilcare falls to her to either provide or make arrangements for someone else to provide. Fine for her to ask him, but he's not available as he foresees he will need to do his providing "job". So it is up to her to make other arrangements as that is her "job" and responsibility.

FWIW, I think long term SAHP aren't a good thing, because it deskills and financially disadvantages the SAHP (usually a women). But if you've swapped your half share responsibility to provide with his half share of responsibility to parent, then parenting becomes your full responsibility, just as providing becomes his full responsibility.

Show quote history

What a depressing train of thought, that being with your own children over a weekend is "childcare" i know i am only highlighting part of your post but it just stuck out as looking after children is a transaction, that parents who look after children full time are not deserving of any downtime.