Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

[Plasey]

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

I think the fact that the default is sending them out to sister/BIL is a huge issue. The default should be him parenting his children not leaving it all to you, then relying on the wider family to do that job for him.

Your husband should be more than capable to look after his children for a weekend. Has he solo parented his children at all for any length of time?! He's worrying he may need to go into work if theirs an emergency, and yes if profit margins are slim, then I understand why he goes in, rather than paying a staff member. However, he has no idea if he'll get called into work or not, at this point. All that needs to happen is there should be a back-up plan in place if that need arises. It sounds as if your husband doesn't look after your children on his own, very much, if at all. I suspect that because he's not used to it, solo parenting 3 children for an entire weekend has frightened the living daylights out of him! He's trying to put obstacles in the way, so he doesn't have to do it, and the children go to relatives.

I don't see the point in this TBH. Why make life harder just to make a point?

Let the both of you have a free weekend and the. Maybe going forward encourage him to have more time alone with the kids.

But one of these jobs is 24/7, and the other is 40-50 hours?

No. They are his children.

Obviously, he doesn't do the day-to-day stuff. But they are his children. If he's not capable of looking after them, he's a crap dad.

Honestly I think it's a bit rich that I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved. You're going away to have fun! I could understand it if there was no other option, but you're getting to please yourself yet deciding to make his life extra difficult for no reason. It's not like the usual arrangements are impossible. You've just 'thought'. I'm sure there's many thoughts he could have that would make your life more difficult for no good reason. Don't make problems where there were none. With 3 DC, a SAHM, and a self-employed solo earner in a stressful line of work, you'll have enough unavoidable challenges to manage together.

The voice of reason. In addition to that he affords you the luxury of not having to work.

A mother shouldn't have to palm her children off to relatives when there is a capable dad at home to parent them.

I would also be wondering why there are emergencies nearly every weekend that necessitate the boss to be involved in, that doesn't sound like a well run business, or a business that is too stressful to be in when you have a young family.

Well you said “dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working.“ so he’s not that bad.

I think yabu

his job needs flexibility. You aren’t sick in hospital, you are going on a jolly.

is he expected to take the kids to clubs or activities at the weekend? How would that work if he suddenly got called away?

what about the relative on standby - will she have to stay home all weekend just in case you dh has to drop off the kids? That seems ludicrous .

if he’s called into work is it an emergency eg medical/safety? How quickly does he have to respond?

Your job is to be mum and homemaker. In any responsible job you have to arrange appropriate cover. So - you leave meals ready, you have packed overnight bags for the kids and made arrangements in case he has to urgently abandon them.

i think honestly I would just take kids to relative.

Don’t be such a twit. Lots of jobs require emergency cover. If you own a business it’s often bloody hard work keeping it afloat, and it often doesn’t let you work standard hours. It doesn’t mean you can’t have kids - but you do have to have a family that compromises.

With respect no SAHM is actively working 24/7. They have responsibility 24/7 (just has he has responsibility 24/7 for all the finances) but active work is likely to be no more hours than him. And most people think it's a pleasure and a privilege to spend time with their children, and don't consider playing with them, chatting to them, going to the park with them etc as "work". I'm sure if he didn't have the burden of earning falling on him 24/7, then he'd love to have the joy of playing with them. But, as he's said, he will need to WORK, as that full burden falls on him so he's not available for the full weekend, so she needs to make other arrangements.

This is grossly unfair on OP's DH.

He works tirelessly to provide financially for a family of 5. This includes giving up time most weekends to ensure the business continues to perform. He also contributes to housework when not working.

OP has 'well behaved' DC and a good support network from her family. I think it's fair assume from her posts that OP will have significantly more personal downtime than her DH.

It also doesn't come across that OP wants DH to spend time with DC for bonding reasons, but more becuase she has them so much then he needs to have them.

Changes need to be made as nobody should be working relentlessly and missing out on quality family time. But this doesn't seem to be the focus of the OP.

YABU because as you said yourself he often has to work week-ends when problems arises so it's not like any of you are sure he's free. So he will be stressed hoping that nothing comes up while you're away and how nice is that for the children? I'm a sahm and I have never had a week-end off even though my dh is really off the week-end. He's exhausted after a week of work and even if I could go away it wouldn't be fair to him or the kids- He's got a stressful job with many people getting sacked atm and dc1 is autistic and a pain to deal with. I couldn't relax knowing that it's a shitshow at home. Why would you want to subject your dh to the stress and your children potentially having to be shipped off last minute to relatives.

My husband would be expected to parent his kids while I'm away and he wouldn't expect anything less. That's life. Whereas I have a BIL who always ships his kids to me when my DS is away because he's "busy" sorry but no. Don't be organising shifts or whatever when you've got responsibilities. They'd have to cope if he was sick or something worse so they can cope without him for a couple of days!

Why don’t you say no to your BIL then?

Very flimsy business indeed if he cannot be spared for two days.

I agree. Hence I think SAHMs have it really easy as the majority of their "job" is not work, it's just spending time with their children. He's picking up the shitty load of providing, so that she can have the fun/easy role of SAHM.

He has to WORK at the weekend (as he covers both parent's share of the thankless providing task), so he's not available to do the fun bit of playing and hanging out with his kids.

If OP equally shared the load of financially providing, he could probably step back a bit and get to spend more time with his family.

Welcome to the real world.

As a Mum with some similarities yet some differences (Dad has own business and works across 7 days, however I work FT), he is being unreasonable

I get that he’s the sole breadwinner in the family, so the weight of the finances fall to him as does every work emergency. However the kids need their dad too, if he can’t spare 1 weekend for them, then that is going to make for a very weak relationship with them in the future. A person can either use the excuse of their business as to why they can’t spend time with their own kids or they can use the benefit of their own business to flex their hours in order to spend time with their children

Going off the OP's description, and quite apart from the immediate issues, there is way too much key person risk in his business. What would happen if he couldn't work for some reason? Can none of the 50-odd staff manage things?

Plenty of businesses need their owners all the time. This country has many such 'flimsy' businesses needed to keep things going. This one is paying for the OP's home and DC. Why slag off his genuine commitments when the OP is going off on a jolly? And she should be able to go on a jolly, I just don't get why it makes her think he should have zero respite and extra stress for no reason.

I might have misread the OP but surely it doesnt matter whether OP needs a break, or she thinks the kids need more time with their dad, or she thinks DH needs to shoulder the responsibility of parenting a bit more, the fact is it doesnt sound like he spends a hell of a lot of time parenting... you can change jobs (not easy, but you've got plenty of years in your children's childhood to do so) but you cant just put parenting off until your industry calms down - when people say you dont get that time back, its not just about you, its because a good relationship with your kids is one that requires you to actually be with them, they wont feel connected to or supported by a man they never saw (even if he was out doing something 'for them') Its not the 1950s, DH isnt off down the mines for 12 hours a day just to keep his kids from starving. Happy to be told ive read the situation totally wrong though!

You are coming across that you are deliberately making his life more stressful - and your family being unable to plan - just to make a point. Not a good look.

Damned right. Leave it to him to fix, this isn’t your problem to fix, the kids have 2 parents and he can say to anyone in the business “won’t be overly involved for these 2 days, as @Plasey is away and I’m responsible for the kids, call me if you need me”

this is a control move by stealth, call it out.

If his business can't run whilst he looks after his chikdren/is in hospital/on holiday it's a poorly managed business and is doomed

He is a father first!