Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

[Plasey]

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

He 'helps out' by financially providing for the whole family, ensuring the OP doesn't need to worry about working, which isn't the case for most women.

Honestly, the minimisation of the importance of earning a family's money on this website is truly ridiculous. If H loses his business, OP wouldn't even be able to afford to go on her weekend break in the first place

YABU and if I were him I would be very disappointed and angry with you. If the issue is you feel he doesn’t appreciate what you do that is separate but on the face of it it sounds like you just want him to suffer. What would be your reaction if he suddenly asked you to fully run the business for a weekend while he went off with the kids for a break? You’ve got clearly defined roles and if you want that to change have a discussion, don’t spring sudden ultimatums or responsibilities on him.

So because he earns"the money" he gets to opt out of looking after his own children for 2 days because "money" he doesn't even sound like he is offering a solution to his wife wanting to go on her weekend, because he is far to busy and stressed and important to worry about trivial things like his children!

I don't think this should be a debate of working or not working wife,.

Why would you assume the business is doing amazingly?

Does he get called into work on his weekends away by himself? Does he have to then dump his plans and travel back to go in to work? If so then fair enough. If not, it seems he can guarantee a work free weekend for himself but not for you

I absolutely agree here!!

He needs to start managing his time and staff better.

He seems to manage just fine for his weekends away!

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Running your own business is a special case, and one should not be surprised if it involves long and/or irregular hours.

That said, being a parent is no less important, and I would like to think that if I were in such a position I would be able to carve out time in the week with my kids.

OP, did you not discuss with your husband the logistics of having a family before you went on and had three children?

Well of course.

The vitriol for SAHM's is awful.

She facilitates it so he can work all of these hours, not the other way round.

If he has 50 employees, but they aren't making a lot of money, he needs to sort his budgeting and staffing out.

No MD should be working this much when he has 50 staff. Of those 50, at least 3 should be higher level managers, who are trained to deal with issues.

In this situation he more or less does get to, yes. They have clearly defined roles that sound like they are long established. If she wants the weekend away, she can arrange who will look after the children. That could include it being him; but if he has to work then she needs to find something else. By the same token OP has opted out of contributing financially to her life; the children are her responsibility - he wouldn't ask her to run his business for the weekend. I wouldn't live my life personally like that, but that's how OP has chosen to structure things.

She is perfectly at liberty to start working and bringing in money- then they can each deprioritise their working lives equally. But now, the money is his job and the house and children are hers. If there was a woman who owned a business and her non working husband demanded she have the children on principle when he knew she would have to work, I suspect your opinion would be a little different

Why doesn’t he have the kids but arrange with your family to step in if he has to go to work?

Absolute nonsense. Who pays the bills is decided between the adults, dad opting out of being a parent impacts the CHILDREN. Why are you minimising the importance of a father being a parent to his kids? How do you think they feel knowing their father would rather ship them off to relatives all weekend because he might have to work, but manages to free himself up when he wants to go off for a weekend?

Except, there is no situation on Earth, where a woman who ran a business of 50 people, would ever outsource her children to male family members if her husband went away for the weekend.

There is also no way that she wouldn't be also caring for her children or doing the mental load if she had a SAHH.

You cannot reverse this situation, because it would never happen.

Wow! I am such a mug. I can’t believe when I was the only one working and my partner was a SAHD that I actually looked after my daughter and did stuff with her on my days off. According to your logic, i could have put my feet up and watched him do all the childcare and housework. Kicking myself.

Because he works so hard and couldn't possibly have to think of anyone but himself.

His life sounds very stressful- being financially responsible for all those employees as well as bearing sole financial responsibility for your family is a lot. Can you have your family lined up so that if there is a work emergency he can call on them?

This is why I think yabu although i don't like saying it as I completely understand that it's the principal of the thing that your husband should be parenting when you're away.

However if he is likely to be called in then he'll be ringing your parents or siblings to help out last minute, it will put everyone (including your dc) in a stressful situation. However I think this is something that you and your dh need to have a conversation about for future occasions so he can find a solution if there is one (can he promote someone to take on more responsibility so he can be more available at weekends etc).

Firstly, they are his kids... not just yours.
Secondly, this is bad management is he runs his business in such a way that it is so dependent on him being there - unless he has a bit of a Napoleon complex - really he should have put in place people (i.e. trained, developed, recruited, promoted) that can run the business in his absence... unless he would feel threatened by having equally competent people working around him: this is bad for his business (it's employees and customers) and ultimately for you and your kids if he becomes ill, unavailable or incapacitated in some way - you really should talk to him about this and ask him what the plan is if he becomes ill, etc - doesn't this put the whole family at risk? If he buries his head in the sand over problems he doesn't like the look of... should he be running a business in the first place? If might not be bad management... it could be that he just doesn't want to have to deal with family life and the business is just an excuse.

Op you won’t get sympathy on here being a SAHM is nasty and lazy. If it’s not 50/50 then you’re just a failed woman in every aspect.

I will let you in on that there are plenty of men who work long hours, run businesses etc and still parent their children to let their partners time off, yes even SAHM. You won’t find them in mumsnet. He is being massively unreasonable and dodging his responsibilities.

Oh please, SHE DECIDED TO HAVE CHILDREN, they are HER responsibility. Yet she has opted out of making any financial contribution whatsoever towards housing, feeding and clothing them, and has dumped that entire responsibility on their dad.

You're right, of course, in principle. But, I would do what you normally do, enjoy your weekend.
Then, have a serious talk with your DH that you would like him to step up more with the kids. Maybe ask him to have them for a day and go out shopping or something. Discuss how long this 'all work' situation is going to continue.
Because, only you and DH know your actual situation and the state of his business. A lot of people will think, oh he has his own business, he can do what he likes. But that's not always true.
My DH had a business which for years required a huge amount of input from him. At the time, I took on a lot of the household / kids stuff because he literally had not time to do anything much apart from the business.
Some people will say this is unfair but it worked for us for a few years until the business was up and running and more stable. He's a brilliant dad, does loads round the house but for a few years we adapted. It was worth it, his business has done really well and we've all benefited from it. And it was temporary.
But I wouldn't have allowed it as a permanent thing that was going to go on forever without any discussion.

I disagree with this. DH and I are both self-employed. If I'm going away for a fun weekend with friends at a time when he has a lot on at work, I make sure to sort out back up childcare if he needs it. And vice versa.

Dh and I had a similarly clear delegation of roles - he worked outside the home and I took care of everything else.
However, taking the odd weekend and leaving him with two kids was instrumental in him having an appreciation of what I actually did all day. The work we do as a sahm is largely invisible as it’s only noticeable if it’s not done and this can be hugely under appreciated.
it would also be really good for he and your kids to spend time together without you.