Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

[Plasey]

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

Are you joking? HE decided on having kids, why should OPs sister and mum have to do all the childcare for him so his life isn't 'difficult? Why is it OK to make relatives lives more difficult over him?

He shouldn't have had kids if he never wanted to look after them, what would he do if you died, put them up for adoption? Dump them on your mum?

I am honestly quite surprised that your family even agree to this!

It's not very often. My parents and sister would have jumped at the chance for a weekend with DC, when they were young.

That’s most people.

We need my salary; we also need DHs salary. I’m reliant on him sure, but he’s also reliant on me. I don’t feel under undue stress because of this. Nor do most people, we work, we earn money, that’s the beginning and the end to it. The OP doesn’t work, that always ruffles feathers on MN.

Not a cat in hells chance I would look after a man's kids for him all weekend just because he might have to work. Its wn utter piss take of female relatives time.

Assuming you've not sprung a December weekend away on a man who runs a Christmas related business (or similar in terms of timing) then he's being ridiculous.

One weekend a year shouldn't be an issue for him to parent his own children solo.

How often does he have weekend emergencies? If once or twice a year then he’s being unreasonable, if once or twice a month he has a point

In that case, the problem is solved, surely. So what is he worrying about?

Ok, that's up to you, but my parents would be glad of the opportunity to have them.

I actually think you're being really unreasonable if there is someone else who can have the kids. His work supports your whole family while you dont work and i think you shouldn't cause him potential problems at work just because you've randomly decided you want to.

That doesn't sound like a great set up for you all. Him working all the time and on-call even at weekends which prevents him from doing anything more with his family and kids than "helping out" rather than, you know, parenting them, going on day trips with them etc. You doing everything at home and for the kids and unable to have a weekend off unless you sheep your 3 kids off to your family.

It's not a set up I would enjoy. Was this always the plan? On balance, does it work for you? Do you have any desire to change things up?

Can you have your family on stand by in case your DH gets called in? Does he enjoy spending time with the kids or do you feel that he uses work as an excuse to get out of the parts of parenting he doesn't enjoy?

No it's different. When I was married we earned equally and as you say needed both salaries, but there is a safety net in not having all your eggs in one basket.

After DH died, and it was just me supporting the family, the pressure I felt on my job was enormous and completely different.

I agree he should be able to manage he shouldn't need you to organise him, I get he has bussiness but what is the likelihood of something going so drastically wrong that he needs to rush in that another 50 people couldn't manage. I don't think because you are a SAHM that you should manage everything child related.

If it's possible he might have to go into work you need a back up plan, same as a lot of working parents need back up childcare.

Given the kids are your job he could probably argue you should try and sort that, but anyway, between you, sort that - and then fine.

You are both being a bit unreasonable here - you know he's a stressed out small business owner so it's daft to pretend a plan B isn't needed, him because he's getting stressed rather than saying, fine but talk to XYZ and sort a plan B

So you’re a SAHM and you have parents and siblings who help you out, while he has a stressful business to run, responsibility for over 50 staff, works long hours during the week and then most weekends something will happen which require him to go in….
i can see who’s got the raw deal in this marriage and it’s not you.

I was a sahm and when I went anywhere dh was with the 3 dc on his own, however if his job meant that he is called into work then it would not really be possible for him to be with the children on his own unless he took leave so I would have to have family help out. You wanting something different doesn’t change the situation that he will most likely be called into work
I worked around dh’s job because while my time away was very important I didn’t fuck around with the job that kept the roof over our heads that’s just the way it was.

I can only imagine if I was the main breadwinner running a business how stressful it would be if my husband was demanding that I stay with the children while he goes somewhere knowing that I’d be called into work
. However if he uses work as an excuse to not parent the children that’s a different matter

Why can’t someone else deal with the emergencies at work? It sounds like he’s become indispensable on a day to day basis, which would imply there being a crisis if he gets ill (or spends a weekend looking after his own children). Maybe, he needs to organise things at work differently/better.

Well it's probably quite likely if he's worrying about if and the OP acknowledge his worry.

As this thread demonstrates people are spectacularly unaware what running a small company can be like, and having 50 employees may be of very little use in an emergency to the OP's husband depending on what the structure of it is.

Aww poor fella with his very important job i mean he has a wife who looks after everything family related but her well being doesn't matter because he is the most important person in the family!

I can't even convince you otherwise can I?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He is a parent as well as a boss. We all have to manage and juggle sometimes.

Let's face it, you could end up in hospital for a major op or even worse, what would he do then?

Sad really that you think it's natural for grandparents to feel this way but not their own father.

The OP has said that her family would help in a work emergency, so it's not that he can't it's that he can't be arsed to look after his own kids.

I would not be happy as a parent or sister to facilitate this

And yet their father doesn’t.

Absolutely this. I had ran a business with 60+ employees. There were only one other partner and their skill set was completely different to mine - i couldn’t do their job and they couldn’t do mine. Margins were wafer thin and there just wasn’t capacity to duplicate job roles.

Oh please, HE DECIDED TO HAVE CHILDREN, they are HIS responsibility. How do you think they feel knowing their dad would rather dump them on female relatives all weekend just because he supposedly can't delegate at work properly for a single weekend? That he never prioritises them, never spends time with them alone?