Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

[Plasey]

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

Huge credit to you that you are a SAHP.
Also full marks for saying to your DH that you need to be away for a weekend and he needs to look after the children.
It gives you a proper break (having to organise children going away as well as yourself is a big task) and it gives him some work life balance. It's not healthy for the family if he's basically always on call.
FWIW I've had both a few days away and separately a week whilst my DH worked. I'm a SAHP (though currently not well enough to work) but I need breaks too and not for my family to always be picking up slack.....

Some of the answers on this post are so weird, I really don't understand what your role as a SAHM has to with anything, nor does how much your DH earns, or how nice your house is. So irrelevant,

I can perhaps sympathise with your position as my DH also runs a sizeable business and is never "off the clock". I make a lot of allowances, sometimes through gritted teeth because I appreciate he's supporting the family financially (I work but only part time, low wage). But that doesn't mean he is excused from every aspect of parenting all together, and if I wanted a rare weekend away I would expect him to step up as the main caregiver for that period, with appropriate back up arranged, if required.

If emergencies happen over the weekend as you said, yes YABU.
You need a back up plan, just in case,
stick to your usual plan or cancel your trip if them being with a parent is that important to you.
Additional stress in a stressful working patter is not a desirable option for anyone.
You have said his work is his and your priority, not me.
I'm team husband in this one.

Thanks. Apologies I just wanted to take the opportunity to clarify that dh is absolutely working long hours but he’s not working non stop (I’ve seen some posters make that assumption).

He’s not comfortable doing it, for whatever reason. Yes you can make an issue of it and add to his stress and the guilt and sadness he must feel at being so busy supporting you all. Or you can just ship the DC out to family and enjoy yourself and support him. Is it that hard?!

To all those attacking the OP for being a SAHM rather than earning, perhaps her being a SAHM has allowed her DH to build his business because she has taken on the majority of the household tasks and responsibilities for the DC. Working as a GP, even part-time, isn't necessarily compatible with having small children, especially if married to someone who owns his own business with all the responsibility that entails. My SIL was a GP pre-DC and she was regularly having to work well into the evening dealing with paperwork. She quit because of the hours. Fortunately she had an additional specialism and she was able to find a job in that doing clinics 9-5.

I think the criticism directed at OP is due to her criticism of DH. She has admitted to not working because she wants to enjoy time with DC whilst they're young. She has also admitted to having family nearby and willing to help out with childcare. She is also about to go away for a fun child-free weekend.

So it's clear that OP has a fairly relaxed set up from her perspective. She claims to be more flexible than many would be I wonder in what ways she's flexible? Getting your family to help our when you're away? That's not you being flexible is it?

Meanwhile DH has a delicate business and the responsibility of 50 members of staff. He works long hours and he is worried he might have to go into work. But OP wants to remove existing support from him 'out of principle'. As PP says he's not wanting to go on a weekend bender with his pals, and in OP's own words he rarely gets a weekend to himself.

It's clear DH is the more stressed out of the two. OP could insist on DH watching the DC but have family members on hand as an absolute last resort, but would rather put DH into a difficult spot in neglecting any work emergencies. I don't think there's anything wrong with calling her out on that, especially as many PP are more than happy to lump on the criticism of DH.

I'm a woman and I think the OP is being ridiculous. She wants to have her cake and eat it. If she doesn't want to work, she can't expect her husband to do her job as well.

I am not a SAHM and I have no interest in ever being one but I really disagree with the POV being suggested that being a SAHM means that your children's father doesn't need to ever do any parenting.

This dad sounds like he has never had the kids on his own for even a day let alone a weekend. That isn't the standard "deal" that is made in a SAHM/working parent dynamic. Having a wife who is a SAHM doesn't mean you have no responsibilities ever to look after your own children, you're still a parent!

@AliceMaforethought You mean

• if mum is a SAHM, then dad doesn’t get to be a father? He is supposed to only be a provider that vaguely drops in a few times but with no responsibility in how his dcs are growing or being parented (because that’s mum’s Job). That’s an interested take. If I was a father, I would balk at that. I’d hope the OP’s dh would do
• but also if you’re a SAHM, your job is 24/7, 365 days a year. No hols, no downtime. Nothing unless she organises it AND it doesn’t require the father to babysit for a bit. Not even for 1% of the year. That’s an interesting take too. I can see why you refuse to ever consider becoming a SAHM. Itd be a shit job for anyone.

Surely your husband runs a small business (albeit a large, small business) as opposed to being self-employed.

There are things you've not said - what he does and why he might have to go into work at the weekend.

I strongly suspeect that you like the money and the ability to be a stay at home mum. The flip-side is that he works 5 days a week, and often has to do more on top so you are effectively primary carer 24/7.

IMHO YABVU to bring up your dislike of the whole set-up just because you want a weekend away. Forget the weekend away... sit down when you have time and have a long chat about what you want and need from him in terms of support in evenings and weekends. Then he can reply explaining either why it is impossible or what he (and you) will have to give up in order to make it happen, and how long making it happen will take.

I’m with you. I assume he was on board with having 3 kids. He should be able to look after them for 2 days and organise himself at work to be spared (for majority of the time of a weekend)

Yes, it would be a shit job. Which is why being a SAHM is a bad idea. OP is just being contrarian for the sake of it. If I were her husband, I would tell her to get back to work.

Paying the bills has a much bigger impact on children than whether their father looks after them on a weekend or not, as their father paying the bills is what keeps them fed, housed and clothed. The OP has said her H is involved with the children when he's not working anyway, but on this occasion he cannot leave his business because then none of them (including the OP) would have money to eat

And this scaremongering around a weekend meaning a business this size goes down is also ridiculous. It is absolutely not risking their livelihood for him to take one weekend off, something he already does for things that are important to him (his hobbies, not his children)

I don't think whether she works or not makes a blind bit of difference - it isn't really about that. If she worked, he would still expect her/her mum/sister/women in his life to do all the parenting. He wouldn't suddenly become a decent parent, it would just make her more stressed

This - especially with a staff of 50!

Sounds like another man who wants kids but does not want to be a father.

Hysteria. The business is not going to collapse because he is not available for a weekend.

Oh and if she was a GP for some time before children, she has substantially contributed to their finances and overall financial position - even if she is not currently getting a salary.

I would say he should be on call for the weekend but he can call your parents if there’s a genuine emergency.

What? You seriously think if one parent is a sahp that they should do everything - EVEN when both parents are off on a weekend?!? That is batshit, and riddled with misogyny given its normally women who are the unpaid caregivers. It would also result in one parent having zero relationship with their children.

What are you talking about? He doesn't know if he might be needed or not. And since when did paying bills mean you can delegate care for your children to other women in the family? What if they work and pay bills too, why is it more their job than his?

Utterly ridiculous hyperbole. This whole thread is bonkers. We aren’t talking about a family on the breadline here, where absolutely obviously if it was a choice between the family eating food or the op going on a weekend away, the work would take priority. All utterly irrelevant to a thread where the husband GOES ON HIS OWN WEEKENDS AWAY WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE IT and the op stays home to look after their children. The op is simply asking for the same.

What about the children? Do you not think they deserve to spend time with their father?

it’s easy to say ‘he’s not parenting his kids!’ (It doesn’t sound like that’s the case from what the OP has said) but things are complicated by her DH running his own business. The whole family presumably benefits from that so the real questions is; would it be detrimental for him to not be able to attend work for a weekend (even in the event of an emergency)? Or is he just opting out of childcare?