To expect financial support from my husband

[PoisedUmberCrab]

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

Did he pay you for childcare hours?

Not helpful maybe, but did you not discuss this before you started trying for a baby?

When DH and I decided we would have a baby, (and I was to go part time,) if he had said that I had to still pay for half of everything, I would have not had kids with him. You should not have to 'borrow from your family' to survive FFS.

I bet he's lying when he says 'everyone I know makes their wife/partner pay half when they've had a child and she goes part time.' Seriously, most women wouldn't tolerate it. They would leave, and file for divorce, and then he would fucking well know what it's like to properly support the mother of his child(ren) and his child(ren!)

.

Have you asked him why you are penalised for birthing and caring for the children you both allegedly wanted?

Have you asked why he did not feel shame that you had to beg from your family?

He's a cunt.

Oh yes I am sure - he has a car for which he pays £1100 a month for on finance

He sounds awful. Go for as much as humanly possible- he has a company so can game the system re maintenance. He’s already shown his hand with his attitude to mat leave, things are not going to improve.

Frightened of the onslaught of litigation which I can’t afford nor cope with mentally. Frightened of not having the kids with me, him taking them abroad for holidays, frightened of kids being upset about the separation, losing our beautiful home….its endless!

Get legal advice and as much information about his finances as soon as you can. Do not let on your plans to him as he will hide things if you do.

If he’s anything like my ex, and he sounds pretty similar,, he will be beyond horrible as soon as he knows you plan to leave. So get what you are entitled to. That is you and your children ‘s future security. And he’s going to be vile anyway

The starting point for a lengthy marriage is 50/50 but each case is unique.

Knowledge really is power OP

All of those are sensible worries…but he is a pig OP …you can’t give your life to such a disgusting selfish greedy pig ..he is stealing from you to not contribute in proportion to your earnings…don’t let years pass and wonder why you gave your life to someone who steals from you

get advice first, collect paperwork get it all together and understand what you should get before you click the button. But unless you walk away with practically nothing th onslaught will happen and you need to get it together for them

Your husband is a fucking moron. PPs have listed the many ways he’s stitching you up.

So glad you’re getting rid. Best of luck with the divorce.

That’s completely awful. My husband paid all the mortgage and most of the bills during my maternity leave and then for dc2 and dc3 I wasn’t working so he paid it all.

he is looking at things too black and white, you are his wife he’s supposed to love you

He will probably take the kids abroad on holiday anyway, why wouldn’t he? Same for them spending time with him, they’re his kids too, unless he doesn’t want them it’s going to happen. So make sure your children are financially secure, you can’t keep borrowing off family forever.

too bad eh. He's got a lot of shocks coming to him.

You are not being unreasonable. Your salary dropped because you birthed his child. You didn't create the child yourself so you shouldn't have to bare the financial consequences of maternity leave alone.

If you are joint tenants then make sure you get 50% of everything. I would take every penny you are legally entitled to.

Usually, I would say that morally he should get his deposit back. However, if he has his own businesanis only paying himself dividends he will avoid child maintenance by paying himself a low salary and dividends. You need to ensure you fight now because he's going to be near on useless providing for the kids after the divorce.

Either joint account or he has the next baby.

Just wanted to bump this for the mention of CMS. If I've learned anything from reading too much Mumsnet, self-employed men get away with F all maintenance payments.

Best of luck OP. ❤️ In the interim to the divorce, I'd be requesting his half of the childcare payment since birth - seeing as you provided a free service when you're meant to be 50/50 on everything!

Confused. Why did you have DC2 with someone you want to divorce?

Don’t let fear stop you from getting away from him.
At the very least find out as much as you can regarding his company accounts , savings, all assets including his flats. Youre not committed to doing anything but as a pp said, knowledge is power.
Ignore what he says is the norm for couples sharing ( or not!) finances. He just thinks you’re gullible. Find out your own info and go from there.
If you,ve had to beg from relatives, then he’s being financially abusive. As in many of these cases, it’s often the tip of the iceberg.

You could contact Rights of Women for free legal advice. Scottish Women’s Rights Centre if you're in Scotland.
As with my now XH, he’s being complacent because he thinks you can’t leave him. Surprise him !

Usually, when you’re frightened to leave, there’s really bloody good reason. There’s far more to his behaviour I’m guessing?

Oh my darling, no, no, no. You have to think bigger, better, faster than that. I'm sorry to tell you but it's very likely your DH selected you precisely because you are fearful in this way. Worried about appearing 'too greedy'. Preferring to avoid the confrontation that litigation can cause.

Going for 50% of his savings, investments, pension etc isn't you being grasping and bitter. 50% is simply what UK divorce law dictates you are entitled to.

If you daren't fight for yourself then please fight for your children. Fight for their right to grow up in a home where their Mum isn't struggling to pay the bills or the mortgage. Fight to make their future financially secure.

Exactly this!!!

Keep strong, OP.

We put both our salaries into one pot and bills and all spending come out of it. So during mat leave, and now with part time working I am contributing less than I used to.

Do keep in mind, also, that he’s made sure you’re short of money as a control tactic. No money = no money to leave ( in his mind). But I can assure you there is !

May well be my biggest regret / ruin Christmas / my children’s lives but I’ve done it. Now to prepare for the onslaught.

Online form complete, it’s just growing a pair and finally clicking the “submit to court” button, without effectively ruining my young children’s lives.

Hit that button.

Christ he is an arsehole