To expect financial support from my husband

[PoisedUmberCrab]

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

Quite. He stood back and let his in-laws support his wife who was in turn looking after his children?? OP do you see now how truly despicable this man is?

Could DH afford to pay more? I think it’s a bit odd you had another if circumstances were the same with dc1 or didn’t have a discussion about saving up.

Why were you contributing 50% while saving him the cost of childcare?

This. Have you asked him this OP? Does he have other family who would pay his share of the bills - 50%? As you wouldn't be earning any more.

Children are a joint expense and the costs should be shared equally. Your husband is wrong. And his priorities are dreadful

That's incorrect which presumably you know especially if your marriage is signicant 8/10 years.

Go after this guy for everything you can not just what ypu need because he has shown you he will try and screw you over at every turn...

You’re both daft to have got to this point without working this out.

Mat leave is either, a luxury for the mother, or a cost effective way of caring for the child, or a development and nurturing choice made by the parents.

In most of those scenarios, it should logically be seen as a joint cost. Ie. The lost earnings as a result of taking mat leave should be shouldered between the parents. In a similar manner to other costs.

So if you’re a 50/50 approach, then the lost income gets split 50/50 between you.

While he may not know others who have covered their partners cost, those same others may not continue to split general living costs 50/50 while one persons earnings are reduced looking after a shared child. They may pool resources and bills.

Send him a bill for half the childcare while you’re on mat leave @PoisedUmberCrab - bet that will add up to more than enough to cover the shortfall (what you borrowed) while reminding him you are still contributing!

He’s not wrong if you were a room mate. But he’s working to support his family. Having the baby isn’t your sole responsibility, so the cost for that is not solely on you.

Financially abusive prick.

Divorce him op!

Don’t give him another penny. He sees you as another tenant

My ex was very similar to yours. And I was daft enough to go along with it. If you are going to leave . Sooner the better 💐

Reading the rest OP sounds like divorce is the best option but I think he will be awful.

When I went on mat leave, my ex didn't want to pay anything towards the mortgage or big bills, because I had savings. I own the house and paid the mortgage. He was delighted to have "more money than ever" because he didn't have to worry about housing, utilities etc. I was on £135 per week (though, yes, I had savings). Obviously I had to do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc., because I was more or less on holiday, in his eyes. This continued when I went back to work.

So we've come to a point where men are cool with women being the breadwinners - that gender role is okay to change, but the other side of things remains exactly the same. He even expected to be in charge of all big house decisions - new windows, new bathroom etc., but obviously I had to pay for everything, because it's my house. He lives somewhere else now. Ironically, he was able to save almost all his income because he had no living costs; otherwise he'd never have been able to buy something on his own. I'm just glad he's gone.

Not getting what you’re entitled too doesn’t necessarily translate into an easier life with him going forward. Is he really going to treat you differently? There are no guarantees. And like someone earlier mentioned being self employed means it’s easier to hide what he’s earning and so getting a larger payout now might help compensate if he doesn’t pay his dues in the future.

Take copies of bank and investment statements, deeds etc without making him aware in case he tries to hide assets. I’m furious on your behalf 😡

No, no, no - you are due way more! What about his pension, investments, the rental income….. not to mention your unpaid labour and the money he should have contributed while you were on maternity leave. Everything he has been able to squirrel away while you scrimped and saved.

Please, whatever you do, seek competent legal advice!

Get legal advice and get what you are owed which is enough to get a decent house and standard of living for your children

whatever you do financially he has the potential to get 50/50 custody anyway so it doesn’t matter

start the process and don’t back down

Ghastly selfish man. I really hope you leave him and get every single penny you are entitled to. And that includes savings!

Because getting a flat when you could easily have a house with the marital assets isn’t what is right for your children.

do it for them

The mother’s reduction in earnings due to maternity leave and/or childcare is a shared expense between both parents. May be you should have saved more to prepare for it, but that is not a reason for him not to contribute his share.

Fuck that.

If he is going to try and do that, he will do that whether you take the money or not even giving you 5 pounds will seem like an insult to him. So you might as well take 5 million because you’ll be treated in the same manner.

You’ve had really good advice on this thread about forensic accountancy, Shit, Hot lawyers And gathering as much information as possible before you break the good news to him.
He sounds fucking dreadful
The sooner you can move on with your lovely children the better

I never understand this 50/50 stuff all our money goes into the family pot - silly I know!

Divorce him and take what is rightfully yours. Do not accept less than that. Do not fear being seen as “ greedy”
Greedy applies to him for not paying his fair share while you were on may leave, enabling him to save more and advance his career ( while you stayed home looking after his children)
You have been hugely disadvantaged here.

You need to get as much as is rightfully yours for the sake of you and your children as more likely than not, they will be living with you.

Font worry about him “ using the kids “ against you. What are you frightened of, specifically ?