To send daughter to bed with no dinner?

[soIsaidso]

Dd8 has just come out of school and hit her sister really hard, I have come home and sent her straight to her room.
Usually she would not cooperate with that and refuse or come back down and kick off but after dragging her upstairs she has actually stayed up there.
AIBU to actually leave her up there now and not let her come back down, send her straight to bed with no dinner?
This is the only time she’s ever succumbed to any consequence and it seems counteracting to send her to her room and actually have her stay there and then call her back down for dinner.
She has eaten today.

She’s clearly been disregulated by something at school. When she’s calm you need to speak with her to find out what it is, and talk her through what happened and why it’s not ok.

No way

food should never ever ever ever be used as a weapon.

OP I have heard of a special approach for neuro diverse children called
Low Demand Parenting you could look up.

and there is a U.S. based course called *At Peace Parents^ for Pathological Demand Avoidance/Pervasive Drive for Autonomy ( it may be expensive, I don’t know).

The plan A, B, C model from The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is said to be good. His website is called *Lives in the Balance^ and includes videos outlining the key ideas above.

Teachers Introduction to Pathological Demand Avoidance
www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/teacher-s-introduction-to-pathological-demand-avoidance-book-clare-truman-9781787754874

OP perhaps ask for this thread to be moved away from AIBU ( you have enough responses to confirm people think you are BU) and onto the board for special educational needs, or something similar.

You need help to find what will work with your 8 year old daughter at this stage.

Incidentally, with her neuro divergence she has a higher risk for developing an eating disorder, so best to never be anything other than neutral and calm about food and always provide it.

The amount of times we see dreadful things in the news and people ask " how did this happen".,
and we have posters on here minimising and excusing and mocking Child abuse.
Well now we know.
Im out. Anyone who defends this is not anyone i would engage with in the real world so im not doing it here.
OP , i hope you can figure it out, your 8 year old deserves it. As do your other kids.
I wish you the very best of luck. I truly do. It angers me greatly this kind of carry on, but I hope you get sorted.

If you choose to do that as a form of punishment just know that it is a form of abuse, and if your child goes to school tomorrow and tells them she's had no evening meal, there will be a safeguarding report put in and rightly so.
I suggest you read up on advice regarding appropriate consequences before you have social services knocking on your door!

It’s appalling to see how many people minimise abuse from parents to children, and this is abusive OP. I happen to know what it’s like, my child who has ADHD was like that, exploding after school and having horrible tantrums as they found it very difficult to control their emotions at that age and older. It’s very hard and I cried countless times out of exhaustion, frustration and sadness for my child who was suffering and struggling to process their emotions. It was a very long process but things are much better now, even though support and understanding will always be necessary. I am proud to say that I never hit, dragged or used food or security as a weapon.

Ok. The moment has passed but here's what I would recommend.

She hit, and going to her room was an appropriate consequence. But it needs to be a defined period of time - either a set amount of time or she can come out after she does X (you need to specify what this X action is - apologizing might be appropriate in this case). Do not use indefinite punishments or one that seems like it might be indefinite to the child because that only encourages them to resist - wouldn't you fight going into a room harder if you had no idea when you'd be let out once you were inside?

You've said that she usually resists consequences and you were thinking of extending this one (by not letting her come out at all tonight and not providing dinner) because this time she didn't resist as much - that's backwards to what it should be. Your DD accepted her consequence of going to her room for once and you actually punished that desired behavior (staying in her room when told) by leaving her up there without telling her when she could come out and not offering food. She ultimately came down when she pleased because you didn't go up and set an end point, so you lost control of the situation. When your DD chose to stay in her room as told and calmed down that was your opportunity to go in and help her move towards reconciliation with her sister and rejoining the family downstairs.

And as others have said ad nauseum, withholding food is not an acceptable punishment. If the incident happened right before dinner and/or everyone was still upset then would be fine to feed her sister and then have her come down second.

Jesus Christ. Did you really “drag” her because if you treat her violently then of course she will think it acceptable to be violent!

Yeah, do it, starve your kid. In fact, why stop there, why not lock them in the cellar too?

Victorian parenting for a happier Britain.

Well, clearly you’re not interested in helping op or her child then, so why post at all? If you post, im entitled to respond.

OP
This is the SEN board. Why not try for advice here?
www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs

But this time she HAS done it so you should be thanking her for listening and doing what you asked - not punishing her more that doesn’t make any sense!!

I won’t let my DSS sit down at the table with us if he’s being aggressive/abusive so there are times when he’s had to wait to eat, but I would never not feed him. He also values food so chances are he will be motivated to regulate enough to join us.

We have started using a behaviour board for all of us, where the positive behaviour is listed. There is an initial consequence if it’s not followed and then a secondary consequence if they still don’t follow. Focus on the most significant behaviours for each person.

I sympathise having had to physically move a child to their room because they are being unsafe around the rest of the family/environment and it’s a horrible choice to have to make.

I would take away technology altogether. We have for DSS except family movie night and some occasional TV and it’s really helped.

does she have any hobbies?