To send daughter to bed with no dinner?

[soIsaidso]

Dd8 has just come out of school and hit her sister really hard, I have come home and sent her straight to her room.
Usually she would not cooperate with that and refuse or come back down and kick off but after dragging her upstairs she has actually stayed up there.
AIBU to actually leave her up there now and not let her come back down, send her straight to bed with no dinner?
This is the only time she’s ever succumbed to any consequence and it seems counteracting to send her to her room and actually have her stay there and then call her back down for dinner.
She has eaten today.

What does she find relaxing? Could you meet her with headphones and music? Maybe home and straight into the bath and putting comfy clothes on?

She's probably complied because she already knows herself that she went too far and feels guilty.
Leaving her there are all night is very extreme, it's cruel and is more likely to breed anger than to have a positive impact on her behaviour. You should be having a reasonable conversation with her after she calmed down about why it's not acceptable and how it could be prevented in the future.

This. We bought ds2 (ADHD) a boxing bag and gloves for his room to work off his energy/angst as soon as he came home. They are not cheap, but it was a recognition that he needed something and he would go to his room to work out, leaving his brother downstairs. Then he could come downstairs for quieter activities/games.

He also would not ever go to his room as a punishment, unless I sat outside the room to ensure he stayed there, thus taking me upstairs and leaving ds1 alone again. The boxing bag meant he could and would use his room more.

It's not easy for you, I know. Lean on Mnet. There is a wealth of learning here.Others have walked this path before you and will have good suggestions for you to try.

I would try and talk to her and let her know you are a safe place to offload too.
I would also let her have dinner.

I can still remember being sent to bed early without and dinner by my Nana. I was 9 years old. My crime? I had just started a new school the day before and on this, the second day, I decided to come home because I didn't like the school dinners. But no one was in when I got home at lunch time and the house was locked, so I couldn't get in. I was found by the next door neighbours child of a similar age, who took me into her house. The mum made me a cup of tea, but didn't offer me anything to eat at all. I went back to school, and later that evening this neighbour told me mum and my nana dragged me inside, from where I was playing out. Embarrassing me in front of potential new friends. I was sent to bed with no tea and was really hungry because I'd had no lunch either.

It sounds like she is really, really struggling at school and is melting down at the end of the day. Op, I don’t think she can help it, and she needs strategies to help her regulate. Why not buy her some headphones and put some music on? Or a run around the park before going home.

I personally would allow them to come down eat dinner in silence then go straight back up.

I think you should call her down let her eat dinner and apologize to her sister.
It's important to teach children that when they are wrong there are consequences but she also needs to be able to show remorse and move on before bedtime.Remember she is only 8.

You do not punish by removing a meal under any circumstances. Even those charged with multiple murders are given at least three meals a day.

Agree with what others have said about finding other ways to help manage the after-school coke bottle effect. Also, if there's any possibility she's PDA instead of ODD, maybe look into low-demand strategies. They helped us a lot.

Complete agree.

Can you see how there’s no logic in your instinct to punish her further because she finally accepted the initial consequence? All that’s teaching her is that if she does ‘give in’ she’s even worse off…

You need to praise her for accepting the initial consequence (call it that and not a punishment), not escalate it further.

She can come down and eat some food at a table (maybe on her own so it isn'ta social event) and then straight back up to her room. No pudding though

This sounds very typical for after-school ADHD. Have you tried adding in additional medication as it often coincides with meds wearing off.

I would get help for yourself in managing your DD and coping strategies. The normal ones won't work. And you cannot assume that what works with an NT child will work with her.

And never use food as a punishment, especially if they are on stimulants. It's hard enough keeping their weight and growth healthy.

Good luck!

If just after school is a flash point then I would try and think of ways to reduce the likelihood of a clash. For example if the girls sit together in the car then separate them physically or try and have the girls walk each side of you rather than next to each other.

Could there be any possibility that a drink or snack would improve DD1’s mood? I know that some kids don’t drink much at school because they are only offered water or they don’t recognise feeling thirsty.

OP, what are you doing to manage this? Have you been in touch with the SENDCO to make sure there’s appropriate measures in place at school?

Dragging her to her room has not worked. So some feedback there from her.
Why did she hit her sister ? I would want to get to the root of that. And for an apology to happen sister to sister. Remind them to love and respect each other.
As to dinner. Absolutely feed her. Not feeding her is exacerbating the issue. And doing nothing to resolve it.

I agree with a pp, withholding food is abusive and shouldn’t ever be used as a punishment.
Why not save her meal and call her down when everyone else has eaten and make her sit alone?

You don’t withhold food as punishment. That’s Victorian and just wrong.

Plus, how long did you expect her to stay there!? It’s ridiculous to expected her to have stayed there all evening. Your idea of punishment is extremely heavy handed!

As she is only 8, could you make her punishments shorter? If she went to her room and stayed there, what about going up after an hour and discuss with her if she understands her punishment. Is she willing to apologize to her sister? If yes, she can come down and the punishment is down. If not, try again later. If she relapses into the same behavior, she can go upstairs again. Repeat as needed.

I don´t think she needs more privileges removed, but needs them removed for a shorter time and given back when the punishment is done. If she acts out again, even if it's five minutes later, you can take them away again. This way she will experience immediate consequences for either good or bad behavior.

I think people are coming down abit hard on you, these people also probably don’t know what it’s like parenting a child with Sen. I appreciate you’re at the end of your tether and just don’t know what else to do. Obviously you can’t leave her without food, but a talk later on and a stern warning will be good, and an apology to her sister. If you’re struggling with her behaviour school can help

This

You're missing the point, it was just a suggestion of alternative wording to asking for an apology, the point being giving another way to show they are sorry without saying it. The hug is just a suggestion which may be appropriate in certain circumstances and obviously if the other child is happy with it, but may not be, hence why I said or other thing they could do to show that they are sorry.

She's been masking all day and is completely overwhelmed. She's not choosing to be a coke bottle, she simply can't hold it together any more.
She absolutely shouldn't be hitting her sister but that is on you to intervene/distract/change the situation in whatever way works to diffuse it.
There is no way in which denying her food will help.
I have a DC with ASD & PDA (used to be called ODD until better understood) who had a couple of years of violent meltdowns. We didn't punish the meltdowns away, we connected and understood and helped and now the outbursts are minimal.

Yes, this, too. Is there anything the school can do to help her not have to mask so hard all day? I understand they may not be helpful if she's not causing them problems, but it's worth asking.