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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send daughter to bed with no dinner?

213 replies

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:41

Dd8 has just come out of school and hit her sister really hard, I have come home and sent her straight to her room.
Usually she would not cooperate with that and refuse or come back down and kick off but after dragging her upstairs she has actually stayed up there.
AIBU to actually leave her up there now and not let her come back down, send her straight to bed with no dinner?
This is the only time she’s ever succumbed to any consequence and it seems counteracting to send her to her room and actually have her stay there and then call her back down for dinner.
She has eaten today.

OP posts:
xxxwd · 09/12/2025 16:50

Give it to her in her room ffs.

Original poster
soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:50

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 09/12/2025 16:48

I think it’s abusive to drag a child and then not feed her.

I can understand that her behaviour may be difficult to manage but if she has those diagnoses then she needs support, not punishment.

Have you been able to access any support for her diagnoses? Are school supportive at all?

it may also be worth looking at support for yourself - do you have a partner or family that can give you a break.

Edited

She won’t go of her own accord if I ask her she’ll tell me to shut up. So I have to physically drag her there kicking and screaming and she’ll come straight back down.
I am amazed she’s just given in.

OP posts:
rainbowsandraspberrygin · 09/12/2025 16:51

Food will also be regulating for her ADHD so withholding it will cause you more issues later.

TravelDreams · 09/12/2025 16:51

You absolutely cannot use food as a punishment or a reward. It will give her an awful relationship with food.

Keroppi · 09/12/2025 16:51

I wouldn't start letting her eat in her room it's a bad precedent to set especially for an additional needs child, she'll surely just want to opt out any time she wants ?
Stagger meal times with her sister eating first then she can come down and eat alone.
You explain its because she chose to be violent and aggressive so now no-one wants to eat with her tonight. Chat about behaviour. What to do when angry. Re enforce no tolerance at home or at school to violence. Or just let her sulk at the table, eat tea and go to bed ? How old is her sister out of interest?

herbalteabag · 09/12/2025 16:52

No, you should definitely not do that. She should not be sent to her room for that long either, by the time dinner is ready you should be going to have a chat with her and be ready to move forwards.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 09/12/2025 16:52

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:50

She won’t go of her own accord if I ask her she’ll tell me to shut up. So I have to physically drag her there kicking and screaming and she’ll come straight back down.
I am amazed she’s just given in.

Show quote history

You shouldn’t be dragging a child!!! She’s succumbed likely because you’re hurting her and she wants to avoid more.

Please seek help with her behaviour - for all of your sakes.

FestiveFruitloop · 09/12/2025 16:52

Poms · 09/12/2025 16:43

Withholding food should never be used as a form of discipline. It is child abuse.

First answer nails it.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/12/2025 16:53

BreadInCaptivity · 09/12/2025 16:48

I this she is being parented by demonstrating she can’t hit her sister and being sent to her room.

I wouldn’t consider a 10 min cool off sufficient. This was not a minor issue.

Show quote history

Leaving her in her room all evening with no food is not parenting.

TempNameForObviousReasons · 09/12/2025 16:53

Poms · 09/12/2025 16:45

Just to add, if a child came into my school and told us that they had been denied food like this our safeguarding lead would make a report to social services.

'Safeguarding Lead' aka nosey buggers. Honestly when did this job title pop up why can't schools just stick with teaching and keep out of people's private lives?

By the way, social services wouldn't be any remotely interested in a silly referral like this. Especially if the parent just denies it and laughs it off.
There are kids out there starving every single day, families at food banks all the time and some kids are sent to school with soggy jam sandwich and a packet of crisps to last the whole day. They just don't care about this sort of thing.
If a child is otherwise well nourished and the family is not on their radar for any other issues then this will be a 'closed' case.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 09/12/2025 16:54

OP, this sounds very hard and I appreciate that you are at the end of your tether, but I would never use food as a punishment and the dragging doesn't sound great. I do understand your worry about your other child's safety and I wonder if you could do with some professional help to find effective behaviour management strategies as your daughter might need a different or more specialist approach.

Original poster
soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:54

CatsMagic · 09/12/2025 16:49

Absolutely this.

I don’t think kids should be sent to their rooms as “punishment” either, but do leave her be and let her calm down for a while, then have a conversation with her - why did she hit her sister and talk to her about why you shouldn’t hit people, then explain any consequences which will happen , (needs to be immediate and appropriate) then crack on with dinner

Show quote history

I would say this too if I only had my other children to go by but she is different. You can’t reason with her she will scream over my voice.

OP posts:
Burntt · 09/12/2025 16:54

Not as a punishment no. If she’s refusing dinner that’s one thing but withholding food is not ok

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 09/12/2025 16:56

TempNameForObviousReasons · 09/12/2025 16:53

'Safeguarding Lead' aka nosey buggers. Honestly when did this job title pop up why can't schools just stick with teaching and keep out of people's private lives?

By the way, social services wouldn't be any remotely interested in a silly referral like this. Especially if the parent just denies it and laughs it off.
There are kids out there starving every single day, families at food banks all the time and some kids are sent to school with soggy jam sandwich and a packet of crisps to last the whole day. They just don't care about this sort of thing.
If a child is otherwise well nourished and the family is not on their radar for any other issues then this will be a 'closed' case.

Show quote history

They aren’t nosey buggers!! They protect children. In this case the family needs support before someone is seriously harmed

DysmalRadius · 09/12/2025 16:56

What was the goal of sending her to her room? A chance to cool down? Engage in reflection? Punishment? Separating her from her sister? Sending her a message from you?

I think you have to decide what you want from this situation because withholding food will teach her that her behaviour (which will often be beyond her control) is so awful that she doesn't even deserve basic human rights.

Sidebeforeself · 09/12/2025 16:56

You are not making sense. She’s complying with your punishment so why would you want to punish her further?

Sixesandsevens67 · 09/12/2025 16:57

Please feed her.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/12/2025 16:57

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:54

I would say this too if I only had my other children to go by but she is different. You can’t reason with her she will scream over my voice.

Show quote history

Yes, she is different, which means YOU need to learn how to parent her, you cannot go around dragging your 8yr old upstairs, leave her to go hungry and exclude her when she has ADHD and ODD. Those actions are cruel and actively work against her SEN.

Imanautumn · 09/12/2025 16:58

Give her a very basic not favourite dinner

bignewprinz · 09/12/2025 16:58

Can you frame it like: 'well done for staying in your room when told to. Dinner is ready, please come downstairs now to apologise and eat'

?

murasaki · 09/12/2025 16:58

TomatoSandwiches · 09/12/2025 16:57

Yes, she is different, which means YOU need to learn how to parent her, you cannot go around dragging your 8yr old upstairs, leave her to go hungry and exclude her when she has ADHD and ODD. Those actions are cruel and actively work against her SEN.

Show quote history

Agree, you need to learn to work with the disability not against it. That will get you nowhere.

InlandTaipan · 09/12/2025 16:58

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:47

I just want her to know I mean it because she never does as she’s told.

She probably does her best. Obviously you should punish her for hitting but an hour in her room plus apology to her sister should be the end of it.

I cannot see how withholding her dinner would do anything but make her behaviour much worse.

SnuffleTruffleHound · 09/12/2025 16:59

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:44

She has ADHD and ODD and every day is a battle and every day I set consequences for shouting at me hitting and screaming and she resists but I will not tolerate her hurting her sister.

Empathy is your way forward! And possibly do more research on adhd and other neurodivergence as you have a lot to learn. You will never win

Scottishskifun · 09/12/2025 17:00

Food should not be used as a punishment.

If dinner is ready you call her down

Original poster
soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 17:00

bignewprinz · 09/12/2025 16:58

Can you frame it like: 'well done for staying in your room when told to. Dinner is ready, please come downstairs now to apologise and eat'

?

The first bit is a good idea but she will not apologise and will melt down if asked but I will try the first bit.

OP posts: