To send daughter to bed with no dinner?

[soIsaidso]

Dd8 has just come out of school and hit her sister really hard, I have come home and sent her straight to her room.
Usually she would not cooperate with that and refuse or come back down and kick off but after dragging her upstairs she has actually stayed up there.
AIBU to actually leave her up there now and not let her come back down, send her straight to bed with no dinner?
This is the only time she’s ever succumbed to any consequence and it seems counteracting to send her to her room and actually have her stay there and then call her back down for dinner.
She has eaten today.

Yes. Whoever is saying abuse needs to get grip. One missed meal is not abuse.

She is not choosing to be a shaken Coke bottle. The reason that analogy is used is because the pressure must explode out of the bottle when the top comes off. She cannot help that. She’s not being “naughty”

instead of punishing her for something she can’t control can you lead. More about ADHD and help her find suitable releases? This is not good parenting OP. She needs you to understand and support her.

That’s child abuse. Find another punishment

OP, what are you doing as a parent to help your daughter? If she has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD, what practical steps are YOU taking? The casual way you’ve described dragging her upstairs and depriving the stairs and starving her is quite disturbing.

No judgement here, OP. It's tough. But I would let her have her tea. Purely because I wouldn't want her to end up with an eating disorder.

Bloody hell op. I mean come on. Surely you can't think punishment on top of punishment and deprivation of food on top of removing all of her toys etc is the way to go, I mean it clearly isn't working if you've punished so many times and removed all of her stuff already?!?! Of course you can't go further and withhold her dinner. I'd say your daughter's behaviour isn't the only behaviour that needs changing

Are there any recommended strategies for managing the coke bottle effect?

Come on, she's hardly abusing her.

You're going about this the wrong way, OP - and I say that as someone with ADHD, and also a daughter of similar age with ADHD and strong ODD traits.

You say you want to leave her there so she knows you mean it - have you already told her she's there until bedtime with no food?! If you have, that was your first mistake tbh. If you haven't, then she's done what you've asked, and that's huge. So you go up, thank her for doing as you asked, talk to her about her actions, and invite her back down to start afresh. If you double down and leave her with no food you can guarantee the next time you tell her to do something she'll resist twice as hard as normal in fear of being starving on top of everything else!

And while I don't condone the behaviour, and there needs to be consequences, keep in mind it's very often an emotional response from her, and extreme punishment (like being sent to their room all night without food) will only amplify the internal negative feelings when they eventually come back down from the disregulated state and realise the hurt they have caused

Eh no....feed your child.

Don’t you fucking dare starve your child as a form of punishment!!!! You’re punishing her for harming her sister but you’re harming her!

What if the child who’s being assaulted doesn’t want to be hugged by someone who’s been violent towards her?
theres also the glass child effect you need to be mindful of.

No please don't do that. Find another way to discipline her. Don't withhold food. It's cruel.

It sounds really tough, OP. Do you have a partner to help with the load? neuro-divergent children can be massively challenging, but there's always a reason for them kicking off - it can just be hard to find it.

Are you getting any support with her? Therapeutic parenting can be helpful - the problem is, accessing the support and advice. FWIW, my GD was a nightmare when she was younger (ASD and ADHD) but she's done well and calmed down a lot as she got older.

I agree with the other posters. Don't use food as a punishment. I can understand why you are at the end of your tether, though.

@soIsaidsohow much support and education have you had around managing her ADHD and ODD? I think you need strategies to manage this. Clearly what is happening isn’t working and you are asking for help in the wrong place. AIBU is not the place to seek support for parenting your neurodivergent child.

What you are managing sounds really hard but dragging her around, threatening to withhold food and imposing consequences that are in no way relevant to what she did are clearly not helping and it’s making things harder for all of you I would bet.

Is she open to paediatrics or social care?

But if this happens every day after school and you can anticipate it, what coping strategies are in place at home to help prevent the worst of the hitting and shouting? Of course she should not be hitting her sister, but if she is not in control of her actions, not able to self-regulate, then “punishing” her behaviour is not really ever going to be effective, because she can’t make the link between action and consequences.
Think of all the time spent trying to reason with her and trying to enforce consequences. Can this time be better spent researching some methods/tips for managing her feelings and behaviour after school?

Have you tried experimenting with ways to help her to self-regulate? Maybe she needs some physical strong sensory stuff to physically push around and lug as soon as she comes out of school, or maybe she needs quiet, low light and sound?

Apologies if you've already tried everything under the sun!

She might enjoy that. Bring her down for dinner.

It’s the dragging too though whilst she is kicking and screaming so I imagine she’s putting up a fight at times. That is abuse. If school saw marks or she mentioned this at school it would raise a safeguarding and social services would help.

they need support - I feel for them as it’s tough.

OP you can self refer to social services and get some help.

Firstly I’d say you’ll get more helpful responses on SEN threads.

If your daughter is neurodiverse consequences won’t mean the same as for other kids. If they did, we could punish kids to stop them being adhd/odd etc.

My kid has some pretty similar challenges and can be a monster.

One time he did a very VERY bad thing and sent to room no devices all evening. I did bring him food though as starving a red line.

I will say he has never done such a bad thing ever again.

This isn’t a dirty t shirt though is it.

Ffs. Just take her some toast and leave her to it. You cant let her have nothing. Food was used as punishment on me. Guess how well my diet and views on eating are now? Or you could take her dinner up leave it outside her door knock on tell her its there and you expect the empty plate back outside the door when she's finished because you dont want to have her violence around her sister tonight. Then figure it out re what you're gonna do re her behaviour tomorrow. But starve her? Cos "shes already eaten today" seriously? Why dont you have one single piece of toast tomorrow morning, then eat nothing all day cos you already ate that day right? And you seriously "dragged" her to her room? Or are you being hyperbolic? Was that necessary?

My children don’t have ADHD but when they came out of school, their behaviour wouldn’t be as calm as normal. If you think about it, if it wasn’t home time at 3pm then it would be time for another playtime to run off some steam.

I would get my kids home quickly and offer them a snack and drink. School dinner portions were often very small (Reception and year 6 got the same size) so they needed a snack unlike weekends when they could last from lunch to dinner.

Your dd needs recognising that she went straight up and stayed there despite it being difficult for her to do so. She came down in a bad mood but she must be very hungry or thirsty if lunch was her last meal. Your younger dd knows her sister went up and knowing what kids are like, has probably moved on. Despite how angry you are too, you need to give dd1 the chance of a clean slate and feeding her will help create that atmosphere.

@soIsaidso the clues are all in your post. 'Just come out of school' 'hit sister' 'coke bottle effect'. You've bothered to go down the diagnosis route but it seems haven't educated yourself about parenting strategies. Your dd needs decompression time after school, ideally a physical activity like a walk or playground. Snack and drink. Minimise contact with her sister as far as possible until she's had the chance to destress. Adopt low demand strategies at home, pick your battles and use consequences where necessary that focus on repairing the outcome of the unacceptable behaviour. Model the behaviour you want, dragging her upstairs just mirrors her aggression. You have years of pain ahead if you don't put the work in to learn and practice what is much more likely to work.

So the one time she does as you asked, you want to punish her further ? Make that make sense ??

It might be best to think about what you want her to learn from the experience. Praising her for doing what you asked might be the best start.