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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send daughter to bed with no dinner?

213 replies

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:41

Dd8 has just come out of school and hit her sister really hard, I have come home and sent her straight to her room.
Usually she would not cooperate with that and refuse or come back down and kick off but after dragging her upstairs she has actually stayed up there.
AIBU to actually leave her up there now and not let her come back down, send her straight to bed with no dinner?
This is the only time she’s ever succumbed to any consequence and it seems counteracting to send her to her room and actually have her stay there and then call her back down for dinner.
She has eaten today.

OP posts:
EUmumforever · 09/12/2025 17:09

sorry about the Amazon link !

AgnesX · 09/12/2025 17:10

Poms · 09/12/2025 16:45

Just to add, if a child came into my school and told us that they had been denied food like this our safeguarding lead would make a report to social services.

Out of curiosity what would they do when they heard the full story. I'm genuinely curious as safeguarding teams didn't exist in my day (yeah I know, the dark ages)

LemonDrizzleKay · 09/12/2025 17:10

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:48

I mean it’s ready so I don’t want to call her straight down.

Show quote history

I have never said this to a woman on MN before but you sound horrible. You can’t treat her like this. How is it ok for you to drag her upstairs but get angry with her for hitting her sister? And now you want to withhold food? After a whole day at school? You need help. I mean that. Is there anyone who can help you out? Poor kid.

Nopenousername · 09/12/2025 17:10

Fluffy40 · 09/12/2025 17:08

She gets basic food, toast, yoghurt, and fruit. And she apologises to her sister.

She is not worthy of a hot meal after a day at school? Is that how you raise your children as hopefully you will not be giving advice on this if you are childless

shhblackbag · 09/12/2025 17:11

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:44

She has ADHD and ODD and every day is a battle and every day I set consequences for shouting at me hitting and screaming and she resists but I will not tolerate her hurting her sister.

Doesn't mean you withhold food. That's cruel.

Nopenousername · 09/12/2025 17:12

And clearly if this poster is serious they should be reported and banned from this forum as she will just find excuse after an excuse to explain her despicable behaviour

DoBeGoodDontBeBad · 09/12/2025 17:13

She's 8 - talk to her about her behaviour and ask her to think about it.

Feed her.

Starving a child as a form of punishment is abuse.

2024TN · 09/12/2025 17:14

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 17:02

I’m trying to show my other daughter that I am doing something about her being hit.

You’re risking creating a golden child/ scape dynamic this way.

Look up “after school restraint collapse””. It sounds like she needs you to help her with this. By manhandling her and shouting at her all you’re doing is joining in with and amplifying the disregulation.

Parsleyforme · 09/12/2025 17:14

I think you need to seek outside sources of help simply for considering this. It must be incredibly hard with her ODD and you must've been relieved that she had stayed upstairs. But starving her in order to avoid "poking the bear" wouldn't have been the way forward. If you're not already in touch with your council's early help/family help team then you can self-refer

Peachee · 09/12/2025 17:15

🤦🏼‍♀️

PInkyStarfish · 09/12/2025 17:18

Please ask for help because no eight year old should be dragged upstairs and then told no food.

That’s abusive.

No, she should not be hitting her sister or anyone but lashing out like that indicates a serious problem and that is not normal behaviour.

I think you need to reach out to the school ask them to point you in the right direction of who you should be asking for help. Parenting classes and perhaps counselling for your daughter.

Frogs88 · 09/12/2025 17:19

So for once your DD is actually complying with what you’ve asked her to do as a punishment and now you want to punish her further? That makes no sense to me. I’d go up and see if she’s calmed down/ready to behave appropriately - if she has I’d let her come down and if not bring her something up to eat in her room. I don’t think food should be used as a punishment ever.

blueredpurple · 09/12/2025 17:20

Sending to her room, not allowing anything fun for the evening, early bedtime …. all fine.

Withholding food? That’s child abuse.

Mulledjuice · 09/12/2025 17:20

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:44

She has ADHD and ODD and every day is a battle and every day I set consequences for shouting at me hitting and screaming and she resists but I will not tolerate her hurting her sister.

You can address that without introducing food as a battleground. For girls in particular that's an unwise door to open.

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 17:20

YABU the punishment doesnt even fit the crime, how does withholding dinner teach your daughter not to hit her sister?? All it does is make her go to bed hungry, sleep badly, and wake up in a foul mood because she was hungry all night?

Original poster
soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 17:20

Benjithedog · 09/12/2025 17:05

OP does she have a favourite toy or does she have a tablet that you can restrict her access to when she behaves like this. She should be apologising to her sister and she should be facing consequences for her actions. The trick is finding something that means something to her and restricting access to it not food obviously.

Yes her Nintendo switch but that’s already been confiscated for something else I run out of privileges to remove.
She is like this everyday when she gets home they said it’s the shaken coke bottle affect after masking all day.

OP posts:
mellicauli · 09/12/2025 17:20

I would tell her:
OK, your punishment for hitting your sister was to be sent to your room which you did. So that's dealt with and in all in the past now. I think you know what you did was wrong.

We're going to have our tea now. When we're finished you can come down and have yours. This isn' a punishment but I can see you are struggling to be around your sister right now and I just think you both really need a bit of space. Is that OK?

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 17:21

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 17:20

Yes her Nintendo switch but that’s already been confiscated for something else I run out of privileges to remove.
She is like this everyday when she gets home they said it’s the shaken coke bottle affect after masking all day.

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Then you look into finding ways to helping her calm down and unwind when she comes home. Meditation? Breathing exercises? Not withholding dinner ffs

StitchHappens · 09/12/2025 17:21

So because she has accepted the punishment of being sent to her room, you want to punish her further? That makes zero sense...

Benjithedog · 09/12/2025 17:21

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 17:20

Yes her Nintendo switch but that’s already been confiscated for something else I run out of privileges to remove.
She is like this everyday when she gets home they said it’s the shaken coke bottle affect after masking all day.

Show quote history

When you send her to her room does she play with anything else in its stead?

SingingOcean · 09/12/2025 17:21

Where are you actually getting your guidance from on parenting a child with ADHD and ODD?

cannynotsay · 09/12/2025 17:21

I loved being sent to my room , also meant I could be away from everyone. Withholding food is abuse. Just take it up to her

gogomomo2 · 09/12/2025 17:22

@CatsMagic. Sending a child to their room is an important option with many dc, to cool off. Perhaps you haven’t had a defiant child

AnathemaPulsifer · 09/12/2025 17:22

soIsaidso · 09/12/2025 16:48

Maybe she can eat it in her room then or have it later. She’s never stayed up there before.

So you’re going to punish her further because she’s accepted the punishment this time? No, let her come down for dinner.

AnathemaPulsifer · 09/12/2025 17:24

And don’t send her back to her room after dinner. She’s 8, a couple of hours are enough. More than.