To send daughter to bed with no dinner?

[soIsaidso]

Dd8 has just come out of school and hit her sister really hard, I have come home and sent her straight to her room.
Usually she would not cooperate with that and refuse or come back down and kick off but after dragging her upstairs she has actually stayed up there.
AIBU to actually leave her up there now and not let her come back down, send her straight to bed with no dinner?
This is the only time she’s ever succumbed to any consequence and it seems counteracting to send her to her room and actually have her stay there and then call her back down for dinner.
She has eaten today.

The poster said girl had been fed. Sorry, but there have to be consequences for physical violence. My two are fully grown and happy thank you.

No. No matter what, they need dinner, find another punishment.

I’ve seen it all on here now.
Dragging her to her room is bad enough but leaving her in her room all night alone with no food is just plain cruel.
She did wrong, she’s been punished by being sent to her room, but all night? Seriously?
My dd can be a right madam at times but I’d never send her to her room for the entire evening without food, and the fact you put “she has eaten today” makes it sound like you think this is okay?
Honestly, my heart breaks for your dd

She’s only 8.

And the difference between her hitting her sister and you "dragging her upstairs" is… what, exactly?

She’s eight. She’s not going to calm down if the adult is twice as worked up. Before everyone piles in with “CONSEQUENCES!”, it's obviously not working. You might actually get further by… well, being calm.

Try taking her to her room without the drama, sit with her until she stops fizzing, and talk to her afterwards like a human being. Reward her when she gets things right, so she’s not only hearing about it when she gets things wrong.

You’re the adult here. She’ll take her cues from you. Tell her she’s a decent kid and you don’t get why she’s acting like this, so you’re going to help her sort it out. Separate the behaviour from the child, rather than going full match-on-petrol.

I am just wondering if she may need a snack straight after school. Was rattiness plus hunger maybe a trigger for the fight with her sister in the first place? I remember at that age how starving we were straight after school. In general it sounds to me as if you are overwhelmed and it doesn't sound easy by any means, but I don't think trying to find new threats and punishments that will work will help anyone.

I feel for you.
I have one hyperactive boy (10) who is an angel at school, no concerns, very academic, passed 11+, etc. Once he gets home, he starts bouncing off the walls. What worked for us is sport clubs 5 times a week. He's calmed down a lot since then. Maybe worth a try, if you can afford it? I bet your evenings will be calmer.
BTW, lots of judgy opinions here, soon withholding a smartphone will be described as child abuse here, lol. OP is obviously struggling, I bet she has tried everything aka withdrawing electronics - it's simply not working, hence her desperation.

Sometimes I cannot believe the behaviour some parents normalise.
Dragging your child to her room and depriving her of food is Child abuse and if I knew you Id report you.
You should go up with food for her and apologise for putting your hands on her.
I cant beleive you put your hands on an 8 year old, i really cant.
Shameful, i dgif what the excuse is.
She could do the dance of the 7 veils upside naked while screaming, you should never put your hands on her.
And you do this to stop her hitting her sister? But YOU just showed here that that is how to behave.
You owe her an apology. And some bloody food fgs.
Cop on.

Even prisoners get food so no to withholding that. Good luck with the rest.

How long did you leave her in her room? Letting her languish because she complied was guaranteed to backfire either today or in the future.

after a cooling down period, you should go in and talk to her. Figure out what is going on and why she acted the way she acted. You don’t have to ask her to apologize or talk about punishment at that point. The goal should be to figure out what set her off and why she acted out.

once you understand the behavior, it’s easier to both prevent recurrence and craft appropriate punishments.

She comes down for her meal, eats quietly and goes back up to her room.

She calmed herself down and stayed put. She did well.

Never use holding back food as a punishment.

If you don’t want her to eat with you because of bad behaviour she still needs something simple and nutritious to eat.

Is there any chance she was ‘hangry’ after school when she lost control?

With absolutely no due respect you sound awful. I'm glad you're not my mum

One missed meal is really not child abuse.

OP, I wouldn’t force her to go to sleep hungry but I absolutely would have dinner without her and spend some time with her sibling before going up to speak to her. I’d tell her she can come down to eat when she’s calm and ready to apologise.

Really? So you think it's okay for a grown adult to grab an 8yo by the arm and drag her upstairs, then not give her any dinner?

Are they neurodivergent and managing significant difficulties? She likely cannot control this so these consequences are not what’s going to change the behaviour.

Dragging a child to her room physically, and then withholding food IS ABUSE.
Or do we wait until its done 100 times before we give a shit?
Abuse is abuse.
And this is abuse.

You sound defeated- do you have support for her?

Your judgy post is not helpful. You may not agree so why not offer something constructive instead of making an overstimualted mum feel worse. You cop on.

If I were your 8-year-old daughter and I had all kinds of impulse control issues, and I found out that hitting my sister really hard resulted in me being able to spend the evening in my room and dinner was brought to me in private, I would be thrilled. And I'd be doing this more often. Absolute treat to be left alone in your room with food brought up to you!! That was a reward for me when I was a kid

Please don't use withholding food as a form of punishment. You call her down for dinner as usual. If you deem it appropriate then she goes straight back upstairs after eating, but explain this to her beforehand.
In addition to it being cruel, if she's hungry she'll struggle to sleep & will be tired tomorrow which will likely negatively impact her behaviour further.

I think you're punishing her too much. I have 2 children with autsim and ADHD and to me, your punishments are excessive. I think with ADHD punishments need to be short and consistent and with autism they need to be clearly defined. You can't have indefinite, out of nowhere, punishments with these conditions.

With mine they knew in advance that any acts of violence was immediately into their rooms for 10 minutes. DS needed a timer so he could cope with the 10 minutes but DD would happily stay there for hours, so not an issue.

Other stuff got a warning with a natural consequence attached, which mostly meant loss of switch/xbox, but again only for 10 minutes. Sometimes it would be 10 minutes followed pretty much immediately with another 10 minutes, and another one. But that's where the consistency kicks in.

Does she like water OP? Some kids find that relaxing. If she’s masked all day then she either needs a physical release or a calming. So straight in trampoline or straight in a bath. Both alone.

validate her feelings and then show her how to manage. I can see you’re angry/upset etc. let’s try…..

a super sensory snack may also help. Something very crunchy or very chewy.

also cold water through a thin straw can also be regulating.

“I saw you hit X when you were angry. Hitting isn’t ok. Next time let’s try…. I will help you”.

Just throwing some ideas out there.

Who agrees with children being dragged to their room and deprived of food?

I tell you what, hows this for help?
I was that child who was dragged to her room, and told no dinner. And made sit in silence at other meals due to some ill perceived wrongdoing of mine, very often just existing.
Do you think people forget when this is done to them?
Do you think it makes them behave better?
No, it makes them angry and isolated and hurt and feel unloved and "other".
And the DO not forget.

I expect the adults in charge to conduct themselves properly, and the OP is not.
I care about the 8 year old in this, not the parent who cant behave properly.
So keep your own judgey ignorant child abuse defending to yourself.

Should I feed my child or not?
I think this is a strange question to ask. Read it again, slowly, and think about what you are actually saying. Best hope child services are not on here!