Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

[Workargument]

Opinions welcome please. I will try to avoid a drip feed to and give as much information as possible here.

DP and I have a 16 month old.

-I work 3 days a week since mat leave ended, him full time (higher earner), bills are split accordingly.

-On the 2 days DC is with childminder, DP does drop off/pick up (I don’t drive). House work fairly evenly shared over the week. He is a good and hands on father.

-Our house is small and we have more or less run out of space. DP very negative about this. We can’t afford to move somewhere bigger unless we bring in more money.

DP now kicking off that I work PT and says if full time then even with additional childcare costs we could afford to move. He isn’t enjoying his work and has reached a ceiling with it, but been unable to find a new one despite a few interviews over the past year. My role is low stress but enjoyable and I’m not actively looking to progress.

I feel he’s taking it out on me. Last night he said he’s funding me being off for the two days at the expense of his quality of life (he means not moving) and is feeling resentful about it.

I find the ‘funding’ language to be quite abusive personally. AIBU?

I wouldnt say abusive no. Hes pointing out that if you worked full time, you can have a better quality of life? Is he wrong? Why do your needs to be with DD trump his needs wanting more space?

He has a valid opinion here. One person working part time only works in a relationship if both are on board, and he’s not. He’s resenting you working part time whilst he has to work full time in a job he doesn’t like. Could he go part time instead of you?

My response to him is he knew full well before we had a baby that id not want to go back FT as I’d want to spend as much time as possible with DC yet he still was happy to go ahead

Not wanting to and needing to to have a decent quality of life for your family are two different things though. Yes ideally you’d work part time if you want to, but it sounds like you need more money coming in (not uncommon due to the cost of living currently), and so you may not be able to work part time.

The word funding is jarring but from his perspective he is not enjoying a job he must go to 5 days a week, then comes home to a cramped home. He’s tried to get a higher paying role to move but hasn’t got anywhere. Not surprising he’s looking at you to see if you can improve the family finances.

I’d try and ignore the funding phrase and focus on the bigger picture and discuss it. I don’t think he’s unreasonable to ask you to try and earn more.

Things change, life changes.... we deal with it whatever way we can. Im annoyed your spitting out "abusive" tbh because you are not getting what you want.

The word abusive is thrown around to easily, when in fact it is something extremely serious that has dire consequences for people.

I think the language is a bit harsh but not abusive, but it sounds like the problem you have here is that what you both thought would happen and what you thought you'd both want, has slightly changed.

So right now, your life is great - you're happy enough in your house. Your job is enjoyable and your work life balance is good as you get 2 days a week to spend with your DC/doing other things. You're also not feeling a lot of financial pressure.

Meanwhile, your DH's life is a lot less good. He's unhappy with your living arrangements. He's working full time, and has the pressure of feeling more financially responsible. Made worse because he's not loving his job and is feeling frustrated as there aren't many options for him to move on.

What exactly do you think should happen here? Should he just suck it up and be unhappy because this is what you agreed pre kids?

You want your cake and eat it, whilst not extending him the same courtesy. Relationships are about togetherness. What works for you both, together. Not - "this works for me so is the only way forward" which is the attitude you're putting across.

Besides childcare costs have a relatively short shelf life.

Is he actually sure you could move if you worked full time? Earning more but also having higher childcare costs may not make much of a difference. Not sure if you’re renting or buying, but childcare costs would be taken into account when applying for a mortgage.

Is you increasing your hours an option?

Was part time agreed with both parties after mat leave?

Does he think its good for a 16 month old to be in nursery full time?

Is he right that you'd be able to afford a bigger mortgage or rent or whatever if you were working more hours but also paying for more childcare?

What's the long term plan eg for second child or when funded hours kick in or when your child goes to school.

Will he pick up more of a share of chores and life admin if you increase your hours? Would him dropping a half day or something be an option?

I think this is quite nuanced. He also benefits from you being off a couple of days - presumably he does less housework than he would do if you were both working. I'd be annoyed if he agreed to it and is now throwing it in your face, 3 months in! Or if you get funded hours from 2 years old and are planning to increase hours then as surely he can put up with less space for another 8 months for the sake of your baby not going to nursery every day. Particulalry if it makes no practical difference at the moment to where you could live

On the other hand if you presented it to him as a done deal and he had no choice and you're never planning to increase your hours, and he feels stuck in a house thats too small and a job he hates while you are enjoying your time off with your child then I could see why he isn't happy.

I don’t think he is being “abusive” at all. I think you just want different things and have to find a way to compromise eg you go up to four days instead of three. It sounds like he is doing all he can to try and bring in more money by looking for another job and he’s also pulling his weight at home.

Most of us would like to work less and spend more time with our kids but unfortunately it’s often not possible in the current economy.

I don’t know what the solution is. We both agree that if he was enjoying working he’d be a lot happier with life in general. He is doing some courses at the moment but would mean a career change and he’d lose his job security/probable initial wage drop which he is reluctant to do as it stands.

Your baby is 16 months old and he’s already moaning at you to go full time - sounds like a dick OP. I’d be seething!

You work part time and don't drive.
It probably gets on his nerves.
Abusive, not at this stage.

I don’t think he’s being abusive, but maybe frustrated. He’s fed up with his job, and wants a change. I think what you need to do and have a grown-up conversation about future plans. ie. What you both want, and how you can achieve this.

Can you learn to drive to give you more job options? Get an evening job or weekend job to increase income (without having to pay for childcare)? Dh continues to look for a higher paid job? Or maybe continue as you are until dc is two, and then you get a full time job etc?

I think if he wants to change job and he's that unhappy, you might need to compromie. Perhaps you increase and he drops down for a bit while he's training and trying to change.

Could you as a team afford for his salary to drop to accommodate this? Otheriwse, just knowing that he 'could' means nothing, he is still effectively trapped.

Could you up your hours to allow him to drop salary a little and retrain? It does sound rather like you're happy for his quality of life to be thrown under the bus to facilitate yours.

I am intrigued how much his quality of life would improve with more space? Is your house really difficult. Its just I live in a house thats smaller than a lot of friends, but to get a house meaningfully bigger that my quality of life would actually improve would be a huge leap.

Are there some things bothering him in particular that make his life hard, like no parking or one toilet?

The risk is he still wouldn't like his job, he'd still still be out 5 days a week. It might feel more worth it to him it went on a bigger house, rather than on you spending time with you child, but i"d want to know he wouldn't be just as miserable but in slightly bigger house!

Or you up your days to 4 a week and he drops to 4 a week?

Another one here suggesting you need to learn to drive. Would open up the house move to area not so well linked to public transport (so probably cheaper) and also meaning he could be bit more flexible in his own job search.

well……if his unhappiness and your selfishness continues and he wants a divorce then you have to work full time won’t you

This doesn't strike me as abusive. He is clearly unhappy with the current situation and has a right to express that it isn't working for him and that he feels it is unfair.

Is there any way both of you could work 4 days? Would that work financially?

It sounds like he’s carrying a lot of the financial strain here - he’s not unreasonable to want to improve his lot in life. What he agreed to pre baby may look very different to him now he’s living the reality of it and it’s not unreasonable for him to want to revisit the arrangement.

it sounds like you’re actually being quite selfish - your life is great so you aren’t willing to change things and you’re happy to ignore the fact he’s unhappy. How can he think of taking a pay cut when you won’t pick up the slack? Could you get an evening job a couple of evenings a week? You still get your days at home with the baby that way.

Is there a medical reason you don’t drive?

I think ideally children shouldn’t be in nursery full time and it’s good if mums can work part time, but what are you bringing to the table here as it sounds like he’s doing all the childcare ferrying and an equal share of housework? I would expect the PT person to be doing the vast majority of the housework and the bulk of the childcare drop offs/pick ups.

You’re not married so he has no legal obligation to fund (and yes it is funding) you. Unfortunately he’s not happy with the agreement so you need to have a serious discussion about whether you need to up your hours.

I’ll be working 3 days and am lucky enough to have a cleaner, but I do almost all the washing and other housework, plus most of the nursery drop offs and pick ups. Me working PT is good for our little one and makes BOTH our lives easier and more enjoyable, which is why it works.