Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

[Workargument]

Opinions welcome please. I will try to avoid a drip feed to and give as much information as possible here.

DP and I have a 16 month old.

-I work 3 days a week since mat leave ended, him full time (higher earner), bills are split accordingly.

-On the 2 days DC is with childminder, DP does drop off/pick up (I don’t drive). House work fairly evenly shared over the week. He is a good and hands on father.

-Our house is small and we have more or less run out of space. DP very negative about this. We can’t afford to move somewhere bigger unless we bring in more money.

DP now kicking off that I work PT and says if full time then even with additional childcare costs we could afford to move. He isn’t enjoying his work and has reached a ceiling with it, but been unable to find a new one despite a few interviews over the past year. My role is low stress but enjoyable and I’m not actively looking to progress.

I feel he’s taking it out on me. Last night he said he’s funding me being off for the two days at the expense of his quality of life (he means not moving) and is feeling resentful about it.

I find the ‘funding’ language to be quite abusive personally. AIBU?

He’s really got a point, but perhaps he’s making it badly.

The years with tiny children are short. And whilst you want to make the most of them you also need to realistically consider potential additional children, the needs of your existing children as they get bigger, and your own future needs.

Two parents working full time is very hard because time for life admin is difficult.

But I think you could easily look at 4 days. Yes childcare costs, but they’re temporary. You need to upskill too. And learn to drive unless disability prevents you.

Living in a too-small house can be really grim.

OP you need to be realistic and fair, and think longer term. I’m inclined to think you just don’t fancy working too much or too hard to be honest.

I don't think it's fair for one parent to opt out of fincially providing for their child to the best of their ability. Both parents should be striving to maximise their earnings.

I'd have zero respect for a partner that wanted me to bankroll them whilst they fannied around in an easy low stress part time role, when we needed extra money coming into the family to provide suitable housing.

He sounds fed up and it does sound like you are taking advantage a bit. He has a point that your not driving is an issue, it means he does it all, so you should look at that.

as for part time. He’s unhappy, you’re happy, you seem content to allow him to remain unhappy so you can remain happy. That’s not fair.

I can see that I am in a minority here but this would feel abusive to me. I just couldn’t stay in a marriage where what I did contribute wasn’t respected. It would make me feel awful.

If you’re only using two days of paid childcare surely it’s a no brainer in this situation to go up to at least 4 days to make full use of the 30 hours?

I would probably hate working FT with a little one but many do as needs must . I would have nailed it down pre pregnancy that I wasn’t prepared to do that , however 1 more day may be a compromise ?
Are you planning a second / more children ?

I think it’s much more important for the child to have a present mother than the father has more ‘space’ at the expense of the mother and child’s wellbeing.

I don’t think both’needs and wants’ are equal in this case

Absolutely not abusive. And I think a lot of people will be upset that you throw that word out there.

Can you think of a compromise that you both will be happy with? Your husband sounds miserable, is struggling and you aren’t offering any change for him, hope that things will get better. Could you work 4 days a week? Or could you agree a date in the future (a year from now?) when you will go back full time?

No woman and small child cluttering up the place.

I don’t think having a bigger house so you can host his parents is a good enough reason for you to return to work full time. Why can’t they stay in a b and b or hotel?

@Strategies25 why does working more hours damage the child’s wellbeing? What about his wellbeing?

But surely the partner could say the same thing?

I found it much easier to work more hours when the dc were pre school age, school age is harder in some ways.

I vote YABU not because I think working PT whilst your child is so small is inappropriate but because you seem to want everything your own way to make you happy at your husbands expense in the longer term.

For example being happy in your “low demand” job and not driving whilst it appears he does more than his fair share around the home.

You talk about him re-training and increasing his income in the future but what about you? Do you plan to be PT forever in a low income role? Why should it be incumbent on him to be the sole person working to improve the family standard of living?

I don’t think he’s is abusive, just utterly fed up of what on paper looks like a pretty poor balance of responsibilities and fiscal planning.

I think you need to talk this through and think about how you can address this.

I feel you should be doing more around the home working PT and also agree about when/if you are planning on increasing your earnings when your child is a bit older and the impact of any further children on these plans.

He’s being unfair saying he’s funding you as are you not looking after your baby on your days off? You must be earning quite a high hourly rate to be better off after the cost of childcare if you were to do full time? Especially as the childcare funding is for only 2 days a week and your tax, NI, ?SLC and pension contributions will all be higher proportionately working full time, plus community costs.
I can’t understand how your house can be that small if you’ve just got 1 small child? Could you look into shared ownership or moving to a cheaper area? Up north if you’re down south?

I think you need to stick to your guns with working just 3 days but he also needs to be happy with his work and work/life balance. Could he change jobs, could he drop a day a week at least and then you wouldn’t need to pay for childcare for that 3rd day or would you be possibly entitled to universal credit if he worked part time in a lower paying job?

Just gonna plop this one in here. Not every one is legally allowed to drive for medical reasons - can’t be helped.

not saying that’s the case here but it’s kinda a bit mean to generalise that all
mothers who do the majority of child care should be able to drive

The 30 hours don’t work like that, it’s 22 hours a week stretched through the year, so basically 2 nursery/childminder days a week 8-6pm

I wouldn't call his comment abusive but he does sound like a right drag. You agreed a plan before you got pregnant so if he wants to put the deal back on the table he needs a better argument than 'wanting more space'. Children benefit from more time with a parent and these years are short. You are a family and that is the priority, not parking or hosting. It doesn't sound as if he respects your role very much.

Also, he doesn't want to marry you until you can drive? What's that about?

What are the prospects of you getting a job that pays above NMW?

You say you don’t want to progress in your current role, but is that an option? A supervisor or manager role perhaps?

Would you, as other PPs have asked, be willing to work some evenings or weekends to earn more without paying childcare?

If I was your DP, I would resent you. You are keeping your life as cushy as possible, and he has to work a job he hates to pay for it. That might make me an arsehole, but it’s the/my truth.

The OP isn’t complaining at her partner and making him feel bad for what he does contribute so I don’t see why he’d say the same thing at all.

If the OP was a full time CEO she would be criticised by PP for letting nursery bring up her child.

How is it abusive?

So he’s happy for his child to be in daycare more just so he has a bigger house?
Yet another man who doesn’t see the value in actually caring for your own child.

The problem is, if he hates his job and is working full time, the resentment will creep in. He will wish he worked your hours, even though that’s not possible. If you can, look at full time work and see if you can manage it. Think of the positives and give it some consideration.

If you won’t increase your hours, could you stretch yourself by applying for better paid PT roles?

You sound like you don’t really care how he feels.