Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

[Workargument]

Opinions welcome please. I will try to avoid a drip feed to and give as much information as possible here.

DP and I have a 16 month old.

-I work 3 days a week since mat leave ended, him full time (higher earner), bills are split accordingly.

-On the 2 days DC is with childminder, DP does drop off/pick up (I don’t drive). House work fairly evenly shared over the week. He is a good and hands on father.

-Our house is small and we have more or less run out of space. DP very negative about this. We can’t afford to move somewhere bigger unless we bring in more money.

DP now kicking off that I work PT and says if full time then even with additional childcare costs we could afford to move. He isn’t enjoying his work and has reached a ceiling with it, but been unable to find a new one despite a few interviews over the past year. My role is low stress but enjoyable and I’m not actively looking to progress.

I feel he’s taking it out on me. Last night he said he’s funding me being off for the two days at the expense of his quality of life (he means not moving) and is feeling resentful about it.

I find the ‘funding’ language to be quite abusive personally. AIBU?

I am sure she does but it isn’t just him she has to consider, it’s their ds.

I personally don’t think it’s in the best interests of children to be in full time childcare, especially not for one year olds. I do not think it’s terrible, or awful and no one should be upset by this, but it isn’t something I’d do if I had another option. Some nursery or whatever setting is fine but five days a week is a lot. If my husband moaned at me and made me feel bad for not working full time (especially for little financial reward) I would be pissed off and I’d resent him.

Toddlers aren’t a jolly; they are lovely but it’s hard work and relentless. No one with a toddler is sitting home with daytime TV on!

I’d urge you to work together, if anything I think you’re the one being financially abusive, you want and need him to continue in a role he doesn’t enjoy, in a home environment he doesn’t like, to enable you to continue working part time, for not much more then min wage in a job you enjoy. It feels all one way and he makes all the compromises. I’d urge you to give, not make him do all the suffering.

it sounds like you’re actually being quite selfish - your life is great so you aren’t willing to change things and you’re happy to ignore the fact he’s unhappy.

This.

Well the op can work ft and the father pt? Its funny there is talk of 'shocking a child shouldn't be in day care longer' when it means the mother doesn't have to work more and the father has to fund it

She could if he was up for it. But there is a discrepancy in earnings so it wouldn’t actually benefit him financially. And he isn’t longing for more time with his child, he’s longing for a bigger house.

I know how they work, I use them myself. Not all providers stretch (ours don’t) so you’ll pay the cost in the holidays anyway. 22 hours is still more than two working days.

I don't think he's abusive no. Did you decide to work three days a week or did you cost it up to see if you could afford it? With the current cost of living, 50k is about 3k a month in a job he doesn't like with you bringing in another 1k or thereabouts. He's the higher earner but not a high earner and I guess the reality has hit him that as a couple your not going to be moving towards any new financial goals anytime soon and that life will stay at this level for the foreseeable.
I do think that not wanting progress yourself won't help the situation, if your not going to ever try move up the career ladder to be able to earn more money whilst insisting you work less I can understand the pressure is solely on him to do it for you all.
For me, a while back I was earning what you DP is now and my ex boyfriend was earning what you were, I have to admit he's laid back attitude to work and not progressing himself really grated on me

Wouldn't say abusive tbh I would say you need to up your hours

I don't agree with this at all. He's not enjoying his job that isn't OPs issue and doesn't give him the right to be rude!. How many bedrooms do you have OP? How much is your DH taking home each month? Where exactly is his wage going?

Realistically how much would it cost to send the baby to nursery 5 days a week? I can't imagine that's more cost effective than OP currently working 3 days. He sounds like a red flag OP.

I don't think he sounds abusive, no.

I think he sees himself stuck in a house that limits his enjoyment of both family time and free time, working a job he doesn't like and can't progress in to do that... with a partner who hasn't any ambition beyond going to mum and baby groups and watching Cbeebies all day (I realise thats almost certainly not what you do all day but I bet it feels like that to him!).

You need to hear what he is saying - he's making it pretty clear that he's unhappy and things need to change. That doesn't mean his suggestion is the right one for right this second... but ignore how he feels at your peril.

Commit to learning to drive and when you can do that, the scope for work opens up and your time management gets far easier vs using public transport/walking everywhere.

Have a proper conversation with him about jointly coming up with a plan for the next couple of years, so he can see that there is a way forward.

Yes, it is great and it's beneficial to spend time with your child but have you considered he might like the luxury of being able to do that too, why does it have to just be you?

He’s not abusive no. He’s frustrated that he's working ft whilst you don’t and if you did you could have a better standard of living.
not abusive and not unreasonable

Yes your point that why is she making the most of 4 free days of childcare doesn’t add up, it’s not 4 days unless you are working very short days and it isn’t all year round either if your not taking them stretched. Settings which don’t do stretched hours often are not open during the holidays, what exactly are you meant to do for childcare then? Even if they do and you have taken them non stretched, that’s quite a costly bill for the holidays. Very different paying for childcare for a 16 month old compared to the cost of holiday care for a child aged 4+ or even 3+

22 hours all year round = 2 x 8am- 6pm full days, if it didn’t then I would be making the most of it and working at least a 3rd day as we could do with the money
edit - I know you’re probably thinking, what about the 2 hours but you would still need to pay for the other remaining 8 hours of that 3rd day

I don’t agree each should maximise their earnings if they don’t want to, my DH and I don’t maximise our earnings e.g. I could work weekends when he’s home or he could work more hours but we would have a rubbish work life balance, fortunately we’re in the same page. Children don’t necessarily need parents with high incomes, fancy holidays etc. With OP and her DP it sounds more of a mismatch in priorities, they do not sound like a great match. She’d be happier on her own or with someone who shared similar/complimentary priorities. She could continue to work part time even if she was on her own and she would potentially be eligible for UC and maintenance. I doubt he’d be happy either way as he’d be worse off after paying childcare or maintenance and only his one income unless he found himself a very career focussed partner who wanted to share her income with him

Rubbish, I know multiple nurseries and don’t know a single one that is closed in holidays even though they don’t stretch hours. With regard to “what are you meant to do”, well, you pay, really quite simple, but as it’s only 14 weeks a year (ours let you take weeks holiday), it’s often cost effective after the tax free element.

The OP hasn’t clarified whether her childminder offers stretched hours or not so she may already be paying for holiday hours anyway. Also our setting offers different options for using the hours, for example, you can use 3x 10 hour days or 4 x 7.5 hour days (which you can pay a small top up to extend the hours but still a lot cheaper than paying for the fourth day). The fact that the OP is using a childminder means there’s likely to be more flexibility there.

Revolutionary concept I know but not every setting does things the way yours does!

Not abusive at all.

I am in a similar position to you. And I know that it is not sustainable long term for one of us to be continually unhappy. I will be looking to change my working circumstances in the new year to help balance things out a bit before it comes to a head. No matter what was agreed, things can change, and you have to work together.

This, it’s not really a partnership if one person is working full time in a job they hate, high stress..
and the other gets to do
part time, low stress job they love and won’t consider earning more!

Well maybe the do could do the same? Change his job, work low pay, part time, 50:50 childcare, claim UC too? Then no maintenance needed! Win win!!

A lot of comments about him and the op and none about the toddler. From all the comments ive read so far not just yours.
im a working mum and always have been so I do not judge working mums at all, but I have sympathy for mums who want to spend some days a week with their very young children, and I think it’s good for children. I maximise my leave and lose personal time to spend time with my youngest. Where does your dh prioritise his child in this discussion?

But I also think you should put a lot of effort into learning to drive. You’re not really pulling your weight if you don’t.

Tricky one. Abusive is a very strong word. It sounds more like he’s telling you how he feels and probably a bit like a hamster on a wheel. Sometimes with everyone we feel what we feel and can’t help it. It might not seem that way but it’s better he tells you. It sounds like he’s in a rut with a job he hates and probably sees that you like yours but won’t do more and wonders what it would be like if he was part time but was ok in his job. And why wouldn’t he be ok with more hours. Both working FT is hard and the juggle isn’t nice at times but only the two of you can decide on this. Yiu do sound like you need more space though. Could you agree to compromise on say when she reaches 3 you go FT and look to progress, so that he can see light at end of tunnel? I found with mine things generally got bit easier then. For one I found their immunity skyrocketed I think just because they were older so they didn’t have so much time off. I think most people can look at how they thought having children was going to go before having them, but then the reality hits and wow! It’s a bit like being hit by a brick. I don’t think you can hold pre-baby views on life in the same way as now.

HRTFT but from your OP I see you jumping to abuse to excuse yourself from being an equal partner. Seeing DP as an abuser makes it look like you are questioning your relationship. What position would you be in single, parenting 50/50 with no child support? Could you maintain your lifestyle on your own working part-time?

DP can't do more (you've seen him try). I can't see anything abusive in your OP. If I wasn't married, I'd be nervous only working part-time, your position is precarious at best on your own

Situations change, presumably you spoke about being part-time around two years ago. Costs have risen dramatically in that time.
Why don't you drive? Could you learn then at least look into upping your hours. It doesn't seem fair that your DP is stuck in a full-time job he hates, while you refuse to help, not only that you seem to think he's in the wrong.

No, he is not being abusive about finances and you working part time . He is being honest . The house that he should love has next to no storage space and no room to entertain guests . Why can’t he have space to entertain? He pulls his weight as house work is equally shared , even though you are home more . He’s a good hands on father, earns more and pays more than you for everything. He even has to drop the child at daycare because you don’t drive . You love your job , less hours and less stress . He don’t like his , works more , stresses more and can’t find a replacement. You are highly unreasonable.

How would the cost of driving lessons and another car improve the financial situation? OP is going to feel pressured to pass her test quickly because her higher-earning partner is funding lessons. Children at this age are often ill, and presumably if OP goes full time both parents will take an equal share of time off to look after their toddler if they’re too ill to go to nursery. It makes more sense to wait until the child is 3 imho.

I think it’s fine for him to point out that by working part time, you’re sacrificing other things. I couldn’t afford to go part time after mat leave, so had to return full time. All very well being part time, if you can afford it, and sounds like you can’t really. I don’t think he is being abusive. Many mothers would like to work part time but can’t afford it.

If you are not married perhaps you would be better off without him/