Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

[Workargument]

Opinions welcome please. I will try to avoid a drip feed to and give as much information as possible here.

DP and I have a 16 month old.

-I work 3 days a week since mat leave ended, him full time (higher earner), bills are split accordingly.

-On the 2 days DC is with childminder, DP does drop off/pick up (I don’t drive). House work fairly evenly shared over the week. He is a good and hands on father.

-Our house is small and we have more or less run out of space. DP very negative about this. We can’t afford to move somewhere bigger unless we bring in more money.

DP now kicking off that I work PT and says if full time then even with additional childcare costs we could afford to move. He isn’t enjoying his work and has reached a ceiling with it, but been unable to find a new one despite a few interviews over the past year. My role is low stress but enjoyable and I’m not actively looking to progress.

I feel he’s taking it out on me. Last night he said he’s funding me being off for the two days at the expense of his quality of life (he means not moving) and is feeling resentful about it.

I find the ‘funding’ language to be quite abusive personally. AIBU?

But this couple can afford for a parent to provide childcare. Pp has shown that if mum works f/t they will be £86 better off, so it's hardly worth it., even if the nursery has the hours available which it may not. If Dad cuts his hours to provide childcare they will be worse off as he earns twice as much as mum even if she works f/t. And the benefit to DD of not being in nursery f/t is so great as to be almost immeasurable.

Yes but things change.

He could equally frame it as abusing him by refusing to go back to work full time or learn to drive so that he has to do all of the driving and work full time in a job he hates to keep his child fed, clothed and housed.

He is funding you to work part time, whether you like that reality or not.

I can’t even imagine how miserable it is to go to work every day in a job that you hate, to afford a house that you hate while the person is supposed to be your partner is living a lovely low stress life of their choosing while only working part time.

It probably isn't relevant yet to you but for me I wish I'd been full time longer because I'm now approaching pension age and being part time really made a dent in that. Plus my children don't remember me being part time and family members who worked full time seem to have equally strong relationships with their children. So the benefits I expected from being part time were no different to full time people. You're a team and I can understand his feelings too.

Presumably he chose his career all on his own

I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my 16 month old and work full time. It hardly seems worth it for £86 a month.

He also chose to start a family with someone in a very low paid position.

He needs to up his game career-wise OP, he’s moaning at you because that’s easier than doing so.

Unfortunately he's unhappy and he is allowed to change his views now he's lived it for a while.

You guys need to work together on this and if that means you going back to work FT to get out then fair enough. You've said he is great with other things, drops off to childminder too, he sounds pretty fair and a nice bloke tbh. Am sure with his unhappiness at work, he'd rather spend 2 days at home with your child too, so cut him some slack!

Why does he need to up his game and make more money when he is already earning more than twice of what OP is earning. He is asking her to contribute more because he is paying for the lion's share of their life whilst getting very little out of it.

Bit of a straw man as it is irrelevant here.

He can leave and pay CM if he’s so unhappy. I’d have lost all feelings for him after the funding remark. I worked full time from when my DC was almost 3, but I treasured the earlier years when I only worked 2 or 3 days per week. Yes, the house was small. Yes, everything was secondhand. I’d LTB.

Except he isn't very good at it, which is not your fault.

I don’t understand this argument & surely you can level this at the OP

Yes, that is one option. OP would be much worse off though.

Money isn’t everything and the house would be less crowded.

We did it by both working full time but both compressing 5 days into 4 so each had one day with DC and they went to nursery 3 days a week.

I think the language he uses sucks but he kind of has a point.

He hates his job...his home environment sucks... he isn't having a good time and he is expressing it really poorly.

On a full time £25k pa I would be amazed if your salary means you covers the cost of the 2 x childcare... Will going back FT actually being in more money?

I think

• you need to establish if FT work actually increases your net income
• he needs to look at changing job so he hates work less (i was in an awful job and changed for a pay cut this year)
• you (plural) need to set up a budget and start savings goal for a bigger house
• you should start decluttering on the 2 xdays off (sell it on vinted add it to a saving fund to buy storage solutions)
• you (plural) buy some storage solutions as an interim solution and to keep the place more clutter free.

Money isn’t everything and the house would be less crowded.

Why would the house not change?

I have to say I think it is really wrong to suggest this is abuse, it really trivialises genuine financial abuse, which is horrendous. Unless there is a lot you haven't said here, this is a disagreement/problem that you need to negotiate together, but this is incredibly far from abuse.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to work ft with your aged dc.

Life has become very expensive.

Depends who owns the house. If it’s his then op would need to leave and sort her own housing and bills. He’d just pay cm or nothing if they agree 50/50.

But Op isn’t paying half the bills, she’s paying proportionally

No sorry but you are a team and one of your is struggling. DH took a huge pay cut to get a better quality of life so I work more now (2 days a week to 4). That's the way it is. I would start looking for a full time or 4 day a week job

Is there an option for you to retrain or upskill so you can aim for a more than min wage role.
He may feel differently if it’s just short term he’s subsidising you and there’s prospect of being able to move in a few years.

He sounds terrible.

Stop throwing 'abusive' about when its clearly not.