Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

[Workargument]

Opinions welcome please. I will try to avoid a drip feed to and give as much information as possible here.

DP and I have a 16 month old.

-I work 3 days a week since mat leave ended, him full time (higher earner), bills are split accordingly.

-On the 2 days DC is with childminder, DP does drop off/pick up (I don’t drive). House work fairly evenly shared over the week. He is a good and hands on father.

-Our house is small and we have more or less run out of space. DP very negative about this. We can’t afford to move somewhere bigger unless we bring in more money.

DP now kicking off that I work PT and says if full time then even with additional childcare costs we could afford to move. He isn’t enjoying his work and has reached a ceiling with it, but been unable to find a new one despite a few interviews over the past year. My role is low stress but enjoyable and I’m not actively looking to progress.

I feel he’s taking it out on me. Last night he said he’s funding me being off for the two days at the expense of his quality of life (he means not moving) and is feeling resentful about it.

I find the ‘funding’ language to be quite abusive personally. AIBU?

I think you are right that that is how he is feeling - that his weighty contribution is not being respected.

It’s the use of the word ‘abusive’ here that is most concerning. Now, unless this is going to be a huge drip feed (and by the sound of your subsequent replies is doesn’t seem to be), to be thinking that this is abuse seems wholly unjustified. Especially when there are people out their who have to live with actual mental and physical abuse. It’s a massive overreaction and the biggest concern for me in your relationship is that a difference of opinion - or really, let’s face it, his asking you to change something in your rather cushy situation because it’s adversely affecting him and you reacting badly to that - means that your response is to brand him abusive.

The only issue I find strange in your current set up is the splitting of money. Surely once you set up home and start a family it should go into one pot?

Beyond that you seem outraged (and so pull the abuse card) because he is highlighting that he hates his job, feels strain from the financial burden, feels the house is too small (very natural when kids come along) and wants you to consider trying to earn more and learning to drive. None of which sounds particularly unfair. Now, absolutely, you agreed to this set up in the first place. But things change. There is always going to be change and a good couple have to work together to deal with that. Name calling is not the solution here.

He's not being abusive in the slightest. He's exactly right. You could afford to move and/or he could work in a different role if you worked full time. Working part time needs to be something you decide as a couple. It's not a right. You're being a bit selfish and actually it's worrying that you even suggested you may be being abused rather than trying to see his side. Presumably you love this man so you should want to take his feelings and opinions into account.

Sounds like he has found the end of his tether and your response has been to remind him that previously he was OK with your arrangement

He isn't any more. His perspective, his situation has changed

At the very least stop telling him what he said before. He knows. He feels the need for change.

Discuss it, don't defend yourself by dismissing it. You'll be driving in a wedge a simple discussion could prevent

yes but circumstances change. you don't just keep going and be bull headed about it because its what you agreed years ago.

you don't stick on a sinking ship just because you paid for a ticket, that way lies madness.

what is best for your whole family. not just you.

can you declutter so the house feels less small, can you work alternate weekends to bring in some extra £ to help build up some cushion to afford to move. Can you upskill so that you earn more £ even on a part-time salary.

Find some solutions that include you making an effort to help financially as well, not just him finding a new job. the job market is dire it could take ages, what will you do to assist in the mean time.

You are in a partnership

Indeed

I was financially best off as a single parent working PT just so you know. Difficult to believe but tax credits and child benefit and child maintenance on top of a part time salary were way more than I would have earned full time.

Same here as a single parent, moving in with my now DH meant a significant drop in disposable income, even though he’s a higher earner and his earnings all go into our joint account

He has a valid opinion here. One person working part time only works in a relationship if both are on board, and he’s not

This, and it sounds like he gets a bit of a raw deal and bearing all the financial strain

I just am baffled that you think its abusive that he's resentful that you think its fine for him to work FT but you can't possibly.

If you were on 25k full time thats barely any better than min wage. Can you try and retrain into something with better pay and prospects?

I was living my best life for a couple of years 😂

I can’t actually believe that everyone thinks that working full time with a 16 month old should be forced upon you OP. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I just keep reading things that I can’t quite believe. It seems to me like there are lots of men that would think their partner working 3 days a week once they’ve got children would be pretty good going. Also, do you earn a shit tonne of money? Because after childcare I imagine you would be working for nowhere near as much as he estimates. I don’t really know what to suggest. I’ve always liked working but I think it’s pretty sad that both parents should leave their child with someone else 40 hours a week when one of them would like to be home with them and you are managing financially. It’s not like it’s forever. I wouldn’t have another child with him if I were you if this is what he expects.

@Lamentingalways what if they both only want to work part time and it’s not sustainable?

Difficult one OP, I totally understand why you don't want to work ft with a young baby. I did because I was a single parent and had to but I think it is too much.
Your husband's emotions are likely to be related to his frustration with work.
Hope you are able to come to a mutual conclusion

Fwiw, I worked ft as a single parent and received no benefits and I certainly wasn't a higher earner

I’m not sure how to answer that really. He hasn’t (from the post) insinuated he wants that. She also says that he knew she wouldn’t go FT after children so it seems pretty poor to me to ask her to when the baby is so young. I can see I’m in the minority but it’s how I feel. I do get a bit peeved that if anyone has an opinion that’s different to the general consensus that they’re questioned though. It puts people off commenting and then it’s not really an accurate reflection of everyone reading.

Because you worked FT. I was the same once I worked FT. It was financially beneficial to earn less. I wanted to progress in my career so went FT but when I was PT I got free prescriptions etc as well on top of the salary top ups.

Couldn’t agree more and yes I can’t understand how the finances of OP working full time stack up to making much of a difference as I’m on double the minimum wage and yet working full time would make marginal difference after tax NI SLC, pension contributions, childcare and commuting 💰

If you read back your own post, you will notice the lack of balance. Things change over time so you can’t hold a decision made pre kids to remain for the rest of their lives. Did he not want to spend more time with DC as well? When do you plan to go back to full time. Well paying jobs are usually high stress and responsibility. If you are not willing to retrain/ try and get a higher paid job, it is a lot of pressure on him to carry the load.
I don’t think he was abusive but I do think he resents you

Yes as a single parent under tax credits and HB I lost 95% of any extra earnings, I think it’s meant to be a bit better under UC but not necessarily a huge difference after everything you lose and work related costs

I’m sure they could make it sustainable but issue is more they’ve got different priorities

You upping your hours and being more stressed and less happy isn't going to make him any happier in his job though is it? Unless he will think its fairer as you'll both be unhappy?! And it doesn't sound like your current rate of pay would allow him to take a significant pay drop, even if you go full time?

I think you need to throw him a bone by committing to a point when you will work more/try to get sth better paid, but I don't think you should do it right away if it doesn't feel right for your DC. I would try and bring the conversation round to what's best for the child, with reassurance how things are right now is temporary.

Presuming you both work weekdays, could you offer to work a weekend day in another role, so he can look after DC and no more nursery days are required? Might make him appreciate the work that goes into caring for a child on your own more too.

I think you both need to discuss things and come up with a plan so you are working as a team and feel you have joint goals. For example, could you stay PT until your DC is 3yrs old or maybe starts school? You say your job is £25,000 a year, what could you do to up skill etc in the mean time? You say your job is enjoyable and you’re not looking to progress, but that leaves the financial pressure on your DH. For your DH, what ideally would he like to do? What steps could be taken to facilitate that? Could you plan to move in x many years? Do you plan more kids? There’s lots of things to think about here and I don’t think it’s fair to not fully engage in the financial side of things. And don’t underestimate how awful it can be when you don’t enjoy your job. Good luck.

I agree in part with your partner that if he is really unhappy, things need to change and soon, because one of you being miserable for a prolonged period of time for no reason will just breed resentment.

I disagree with his solution. Why have you run out of space? Are you filling up the house and never de-cluttering? Is there not enough room for the three of you with a normal amount of stuff? You need to tackle the cause of the problem before you move, otherwise you'll just full the new house as much as the old one and you will have a bigger job cleaning it. You need to figure out what you need to do first. Simply moving to a larger house alone will likely not cut it.

Secondly, why is he so unhappy at his job and why was he not able to get another one? Is it the location? Is his industry and skills very niche? Does he perhaps have to retrain? If it's the location, you will need to take that into account before moving as well.

In the meantime, could he not drop a day and you pick up two days? That way you'd both be working 4 days. It would likely make a big difference already and give you both breathing room to plan your next steps.

I don't think he is "abusive". Abuse is in actions and behavior (although consistent and abusive language can be part of that) and it is prolonged and sustained behavior that slowly grinds you down.

I agree that his comment was hurtful. I don't think that was justified. Him being miserable all the time could explain it. In either case, I would look into making short term steps to divide the load better.

Also, I think you need to learn how to drive or to move to a place with good public transportation.

Agree with this. It’s like I am happy so you can do one