Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

[Workargument]

Opinions welcome please. I will try to avoid a drip feed to and give as much information as possible here.

DP and I have a 16 month old.

-I work 3 days a week since mat leave ended, him full time (higher earner), bills are split accordingly.

-On the 2 days DC is with childminder, DP does drop off/pick up (I don’t drive). House work fairly evenly shared over the week. He is a good and hands on father.

-Our house is small and we have more or less run out of space. DP very negative about this. We can’t afford to move somewhere bigger unless we bring in more money.

DP now kicking off that I work PT and says if full time then even with additional childcare costs we could afford to move. He isn’t enjoying his work and has reached a ceiling with it, but been unable to find a new one despite a few interviews over the past year. My role is low stress but enjoyable and I’m not actively looking to progress.

I feel he’s taking it out on me. Last night he said he’s funding me being off for the two days at the expense of his quality of life (he means not moving) and is feeling resentful about it.

I find the ‘funding’ language to be quite abusive personally. AIBU?

You are doing the right thing working part time with a baby. It’s so difficult to go full time and your baby needs you when so young. Just the best of the space you have x

My DP doesn’t like me working part-time after having our baby either. My argument is I still pay half the bills so he can stick it.

Why don’t YOU change jobs to something more profitable that still allows part-time hours? Or get a weekend job so DC doesn’t have to be in childcare as your DP is home?

Unless you're paying bills 50/50, he has every right to not want to subsidise you. What makes you think you're entitled to him funding you being part time?

Agree with this. Jumping to him being abusive is a crazy leap.

If his salary was to drop a bit we could continue to afford where we are, but it would make moving even more unrealistic.

Even if I was FT, my salary would be half of his (he earns c.50k whilst if full time I’d be around 25k)

We have one parking space so a pain when having guests, next to no storage and no space his parents could stay overnight (who live a couple of hours away). Also very minimal living space to be able to host. So he (fairly) argues all of those things would improve his life a lot

Both parties have to be in agreement for 1 to be part time or SAHP
he clearly doesn’t agree so I think you should go full time

I don’t think that’s fair. If I am paying half the bills, why shouldn’t I work however many hours I want?

I think he’s being unreasonable although not abusive.

How terrible can it possibly be that you are two adults and one toddler in a house? Is the house really that small that that combination of people simply have to move?

I think if it’s sustainable for one person to stay home some of the week with a toddler, and that person wants to do it, then there’s a lot to be said for it. And I speak as someone who had to go back full time early on.

My bigger concern is that you’re depending financially on someone you aren’t married to though, as that can leave you vulnerable in the event of a split.

I suggest you both sit down and look at what your finances need to be, in order to move to a bigger property. If you went back to work full-time, or even 4 days per week, how much would you be paying for childcare? There's no point in working more hours, if what you're earning is being swallowed up by childcare fees. Your partner isn't being unreasonable with his request, but working more hours needs to be financially viable, and mean the family are benefiting from the extra money.

I think whatever the plans are before the baby things change.
I have always had to work full time when I would have preferred part time. I know how difficult it is so I do sympathise.
I don’t think he is being abusive though as I do think it is an unfair set up if he is working more hours and he isn’t happy with that set up. I think one person working part time only works if the other person is happy with it and able to make up the difference financially. So if he isn’t happy to support you financially whilst you work part time then I don’t think part time is an option.
That is just my opinion though.

Is your house really too small or is it overly cluttered with excess stuff?
We live in a too small house by modern standards (family of 5) but moving to a bigger property is definitely off the cards with our income and outgoings so we make do. It’s perfectly fine.

Does your DH just hate this job or does he hate every job he’s ever done? A friend’s DH is like this and every job ends up making him absolutely miserable. She and her DC have to constantly listen to his moaning and going on about it.
So, if your DH changed jobs, would he still resent you because you enjoy yours?

It does sound as though he pulls his weight at home but do you do more as a result of being at home more? If so, then he benefits from that.
Does he carry any of the mental load with regard to your DC? Is all of that on you?
If you returned to full time working, would he take on 50% of all of this?

I do think you should consider learning to drive.
It does put all of that load on to him.
You could feel so much more independent too.

Would you be happy if he went part time snd you were full time living in a too small house? You need to discuss your options and try and come to a compromise.

Surely the point is that DD needs a parent to provide childcare in order to develop secure attachments, which really are vital for good MH as children grow into adults. F/t Childcare provided by strangers isn't often a suitable substitute for family. She will grow up quickly enough and the family will be able to loon for s larger house when she starts school.

I think we’d all like that. Finances forced me back full time after both dc.

Definitely not abusive. His outgoings have gone up by you going PT if you are paying bills in porportion to your salary. You are not married so your finances are legally separate. Your child is effectively costing him much more than it is costing you and you get all that time off that he doesn't.

Are you abusive for forcing your DH to work fill time in a job he doesnt like?

DP so not married? It sounds like you aren’t on same page but it’s not abusive.
Presumably before child you were 50/50.
It sounds like you would prefer a shift to a set up more like a married couple with family money and he’d prefer to stay as a 50/50 set up. No right or wrong just need to be on same page.
You need a detailed conversation. Remember to think about things like your loss of pension, if unmarried you have no claim on his.
CAB has a guide cohabitation v marriage and things to consider.

He's not abusive. He is working full time in a role he doesn't enjoy and where he has hit the ceiling so you can choose to work part time in an easy, enjoyable role where you have no interest in progressing.

Do you jointly own the house?

With this info, I think people are being a bit harsh.

Full-time, OP would bring in £1730, versus £1164 part-time (assuming 5% pension and no student loans), so £566 extra a month.

As the baby is at nursery three days a week, they’re probably using all the free hours funding available already. Paid nursery places in my area are about £60 a day, so x 8 for an average month and it’d cost £480.

OP would be working two extra days a week, not being with her baby, for them to be £86 a month better off.

I wouldn’t do that.

I'd look at it the other way round. You are working part time and spending more time with his child, which facilitates him to lean into work and prioritise his career. Except he isn't very good at it, which is not your fault.

How about if you both worked four days a week? Would that be possible? So DD has a weekday each with each of you and of course both of you at the weekend, and there are still only three days to cover for childcare.

Or like many many others they go into childcare. Being part time or sahm is a luxury many cant afford.

She's looking after his child?

Sorry but I'm with your DP on this one.

He is working a job he doesn't particularly enjoy to pay for the house, but if you increased the hours on your job that you do like, then it would be enough to have a bigger home for all of you.

At least if he came home from a crappy job to a bigger house with more space that didn't feel so cramped then he wouldn't feel so bad.