Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

[Workargument]

Opinions welcome please. I will try to avoid a drip feed to and give as much information as possible here.

DP and I have a 16 month old.

-I work 3 days a week since mat leave ended, him full time (higher earner), bills are split accordingly.

-On the 2 days DC is with childminder, DP does drop off/pick up (I don’t drive). House work fairly evenly shared over the week. He is a good and hands on father.

-Our house is small and we have more or less run out of space. DP very negative about this. We can’t afford to move somewhere bigger unless we bring in more money.

DP now kicking off that I work PT and says if full time then even with additional childcare costs we could afford to move. He isn’t enjoying his work and has reached a ceiling with it, but been unable to find a new one despite a few interviews over the past year. My role is low stress but enjoyable and I’m not actively looking to progress.

I feel he’s taking it out on me. Last night he said he’s funding me being off for the two days at the expense of his quality of life (he means not moving) and is feeling resentful about it.

I find the ‘funding’ language to be quite abusive personally. AIBU?

And take the child away from her father just because her mother doesn’t want to pull her weight? Just compounds how selfish she is if she does this - and anyone who thinks it is a viable option. There’s nothing wrong in what he is asking of the OP.

Because parenting a young child is a higher social value than a larger house?

She is pulling her weight, working three days and caring for their child on her own the other 2 days!! The also with him the other 2 days, all alot more than a full time job, the misogyny on this thread is ridiculous. Her priorities are just different to his, money and a fancy lifestyle isn’t hers. Despite earning above the average UK salary pro rata, some people have criticised her for not upskilling etc, well she’s already got herself onto a higher level than most people 🤷🏻‍♀️

Additionally, after deductions then even on her salary she would only be taking home an extra £400 after childcare, potentially less, would this even make the difference he’s looking for?

You can only afford to move house if you increase your income (you plural)
If you move house, your DP can’t reduce his hours
If you move house, and you are only able up to do on the basis of the increased income, then you can’t afford to have another child in the near future - how would you feel about that?

I think your DH is blaming you for his work unhappiness.

I really feel for him actually. I think it must be awful to be trapped in a job you hate because your partner wants to work three days a week and likes to have an enjoyable low stress job.

He’s certainly not being abusive - the opposite to be honest. Financial abusers typically try to limit their partner’s access to work and money.

That said, I’m slightly sceptical on the basis of the numbers you’ve given that you working more would make much difference, but I know childcare funding is different now.

Could you compromise - could you increase to 4 days? So you're still on less hours but then bringing more money in?

If you want to stay on less hours, whether it's 3 days or 4, you might need to consider a higher paying role to balance it. Full time hrs on your current wage might not be worth it currently at least, will child care costs.

Can you manage in the house as you are until DC is older and then you could increase hours and look to improve lifestyle factors? Maybe once they turn 4 and are in school? They are only young once. Good luck!

Just to update, we’ve had a more reasoned discussion about things today.

He thinks his unhappiness with work is why this came to a head the other day, and he doesn’t think he’d be happier in a bigger house if he still wasn’t enjoying work. He’s going to actively pursue a career change in the new year and says he wouldn’t want to move in the meantime as his income would have to initially drop but there’s higher earning potential and he thinks he’d be happier as he’d be around people more and find the work more rewarding.

He also says he wouldn’t want our child to be in childcare more than they already are at this stage and he likes that I am able to spend the extra days with them.

For my part I have told him I know I won’t do these hours forever and they’ll increase when DC is older. I’ve also committed to learning to drive next year.

I'm glad you were able to have a constructive conversation about it. Sounds like you've both got a clearer way forward now.

That's up to individual couples to decide based on their circumstances.

It's only an issue here because they disagree on it.