Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

[Workargument]

Opinions welcome please. I will try to avoid a drip feed to and give as much information as possible here.

DP and I have a 16 month old.

-I work 3 days a week since mat leave ended, him full time (higher earner), bills are split accordingly.

-On the 2 days DC is with childminder, DP does drop off/pick up (I don’t drive). House work fairly evenly shared over the week. He is a good and hands on father.

-Our house is small and we have more or less run out of space. DP very negative about this. We can’t afford to move somewhere bigger unless we bring in more money.

DP now kicking off that I work PT and says if full time then even with additional childcare costs we could afford to move. He isn’t enjoying his work and has reached a ceiling with it, but been unable to find a new one despite a few interviews over the past year. My role is low stress but enjoyable and I’m not actively looking to progress.

I feel he’s taking it out on me. Last night he said he’s funding me being off for the two days at the expense of his quality of life (he means not moving) and is feeling resentful about it.

I find the ‘funding’ language to be quite abusive personally. AIBU?

Can’t see the op going for that

Why not discuss it and look at house ls you might like to move to and what it would cost and if you can afford it. Also how can you improve your current house?

Who has the toddler the other day or are your work patterns different. You work 3 days, childminder 2 days.
What was your set up pre child? Did you pay 50/50 or proportionate to income.

It isn't abusive, it's goalpost moving.

DH and I had agreed in advance that we wouldn't be doing the 2 x FT working model once we had DC, and made housing decisions accordingly. In the end, we both were part time at various points, but it would've been a deal breaker if he thought a newfound desire for a bigger house should override the importance of our child having as much parental time in infancy as possible. Different if you need it to keep the lights on, of course, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Does he realise how little the household income would increase if you worked FT OP?

@Workargument

Sit down and work out the finances of it on paper and show how much extra cash it would bring in re: childcare vs higher tax vs stripped back benefits (if any) and see how much extra cash it would actually bring in.

it’s probably not really going to make a difference in your finances re: house move if you are in a relatively low paid job.

Where you will feel it -
when kid is sick and you all have to take turns unpaid leave to cover it 5 days instead of 3,

• when childcare is unavailable due to childminder sick and you have to cover it 5 days instead of 3,

when you can’t have a family holiday cos all your holidays have covered the childminders holidays.

(the above reasons are why I favour nurseries over childminders but they are typically more expensive)

re: the house —- is it cluttered?

can you get rid of some stuff?

can you extend or reconfigure space?

is there a wfh part time solution you can look to pick up? Alternatively you may need to look at upskilling and earning more in your 3 days

I don't think he is being unreasonable. He clearly isn't happy with the current situation so you need to consider how this can be improved.

Did you discuss the housing situation before having the baby? What was said then if you did?

The issue with not being able to drive adds to his work day and stress, is there not anything closer or a nursery where you could do this instead?

I might have missed this but could you swap so you work full time and he goes part time and uses any free time to do courses?

Oooh, I've just read that you're not married. As I say on almost every thread like this, GET MARRIED OR GO BACK TO WORK FULL TIME. You are in a very precarious situation - if you split up how can you manage on your part time salary? Are you paying as much as he is into a pension - or is he at least topping yours up for you now? I'm always for parents keeping up with their careers as I've seen too many partnerships break down and one partner being totally shafted for money. Now, that might be part time working if you still earn enough working part time, but you absolutely don't have that luxury if you're not married.

Reading your thread I would say that your quality of life is better than his. And he resents it. He doesn't enjoy his job. It's easy to understand his point of view.

Excellent point, is there any intention to get married OP? Discussions ever been had?

How is that relevant? Having a baby doesn't automatically entitled you to be financially supported by someone else. Im fully supportive of SAHMs and think they're making a huge contribution, but OP isn't married, and she isn't entitled to force her partner to support her working part time. He wants his child in nursery.

Surely he knew he wasn’t happy with the size of the house before you chose to have children. It’s not abusive but I do think a child having time with their primary caregiver is more important than a bigger house. Even if you just hold off going back full time for a year or two

To reply to some points, sorry if I’ve missed any:

-House is jointly owned
-Pre mat leave we paid 50/50 (which wasn’t a huge amount really as we had a low MTG rate which has since increased this year along with other bills)
-DP has done well in his career and got to a good position quite young but now is at ceiling, has little interaction with colleagues due to hybrid and generally miserable. It’s dull rather than stressful with high workload if that makes sense.
-He wouldn’t want to go PT I don’t think.
-Grandparents have DC on the spare day each week

Yeah he/we always thought it would be simpler to move but the prices have gone silly and we aren’t in a particulary desirable town or anything like that.

He said he wants to focus on moving house and also says it’s important I drive before he’d consider that. Basically he’s not entirely happy with his life so doesn’t see the point in marrying at this point.

I don't think your husband is abusive he sounds fed up. Carrying or feeling like you are carrying the financial burden is really hard. It can make resentment build up. Plus he hasn't been successful at getting another job and he doesn't like the house. He feels dissatisfaction in lots of areas of his life.

That’s fair of him tbh. There is nothing for him to marry for if his intended is ok with him being miserable and takes offence at the reality that he is funding her to have a lovely lifestyle.

Something needs to change, because it is not ok for one person in a relationship to be miserable indefinitely so that the other gets what they want.

Yea, that makes total sense. Your relationship isn't good, you think he's abusive and he pays for almost everyhing. It's too big of a risk for him to marry you.

I think it’s just his ‘cry for help’ as well but not abusive. I think he sounds supportive and pulls his weight enough around the house. You just need to both talk it out when emotions are not high. He is clearly frustrated. You seem happy with being able to spend time with the baby, and part time work, not driving, etc. He is just feeling the load of it all and with this ‘cost of living’ probably not seeing the results of his hard work.
with the two of you earning under 100k each, will you not be able to afford for childcare funding?

Hope it works out for you. Just try and think of how he has supported you to this stage, and what you can also do to support. At times it’s just something as small as feeling heard.

Surely who worked for what hours should have been a conversation for before you got pregnant?

Yeah we get free hours, our monthly bill is usually under £100

You both seem unreasonable tbh. He should have made it clear to you that he didn’t want to ‘fund’ your lifestyle before getting you pregnant. I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you to want to spend 2 days a week with a child who’s not even 2 yet.

However YABU for calling him ‘abusive’ for not enjoying the reality of this as much. Also you not being able to drive is probably a massive burden for him. You really should learn to drive if you’re doing the majority of childcare.

Financially things have changed a lot in a short space of time and money just doesn’t go as far. I work p/t & my dc are older but if we needed the money I wouldn’t hesitate to increase my hours.

Mmmn, so he doesn't want to get marreid because then he has legal ties to someone he clearly doesn't particularly rate. Sorry, that sounds harsh but.... it's obvious he's not happy and is resentufl of your work/life balance and inabiity to drive. And while I don't like that he sounds quite mean with it, I do have some sympathy here - you seem to have a much nicer life than him with very little compromise on your part, including not learnign to drive.

I think it sounds like your husband is having a hard time and he’s taking it out on you. Partly because you are contributing to things he is struggling with (not being able to move because of finances) and partly because you’re an easy target. I don’t think it’s abusive but I don’t think he’s necessarily being fair. But unhappy people don’t always express themselves in the best way so as annoying as his language was, I’d try to discuss this as calmly as possible as he’s clearly v unhappy and the best approach is to be a team to fight the problem (rather than each other).

My first step would be to work out what the ‘bring home’ would be if your child went full time at this age. You should understand these figures so you know if it’s ’worth’ sacrificing the set up you are enjoying. How much would you actually have to save each month and what would the timeline be for moving if you went back in the next few months. What realistically could you afford in the near future and would this new property actually solve all his problems? Yes, living in a small place is tough but is that really it? I imagine the rejection/work challenges he’s facing make it feel easier to get you earning more (and clear you for not) than reflecting on his own anger/frustration/disappointment etc.

I would then reflect on whether you are staying home for you or whether it’s to benefit your DC. I felt very strongly about staying home for my DC and don’t regret it. It definitely wasn’t because I didn’t want to work full time anymore. I just prioritised what I felt was most important at this stage. If you feel similarly, I think it’s important to remind your DH that he is ‘funding’ your dc’s lifestyle and you are trying to do the best for her and bring some money home whilst she is so little. You are sacrificing a lot too in terms of income/pension/security for your DC and not because you can’t be arsed (I assume!).

I think you need to show understanding towards your DH feeling resentful and, if you have the maths to hand, map out what the timeline is for a move. You then need to weigh that up against the impact on your DC (only you guys as parents get to decide what is best) and when you would be happy sending her full time. Perhaps when they’re 2 or even 3, for example, so they get used to full days before starting formal school. If that’s the case, how far back would that set you re moving and are you happy to work full time once your DC is full time. These are tough things to discuss and it’s really important to try and avoid escalation to an argument. It’s okay that he feels unhappy and frustrated and it’s okay that you feel like you’re doing the right thing at this time. But you need to get to a point where you can discuss it properly, map out what the various options mean for you both and your DC and try to figure out a compromise that you’re both happy with. Just as he can’t just tell you to get back to work, you can’t flat out refuse to go full time without discussing the pros/cons and being open to his perspective.

Are you married?

If you are you may be able to claim Married Tax Allowance.