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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

603 replies

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 09/12/2025 09:55

How much do you have them? Every day? Is the baby with you all day everyday?
Can you start by saying you need to cut back on how many days?
How old is the baby?

AmberSpy · 09/12/2025 09:55

Not unreasonable at all. You have gone above and beyond already. I feel for your daughter and I'm sure it won't be easy with the cost of childcare being what it is, but she will have to make alternative arrangements. Don't feel bad at all.

Betty91 · 09/12/2025 09:56

Everything can be reviewed as our circumstances change. Health matters, ageing are very good reasons to re establish the support you're able to offer. Could you just say what you've said here about your husband and how over stretched you're feeling?

BruceAndNosh · 09/12/2025 09:56

Your daughter shouldn't be expecting you to look after three chikdren

WasThatACorner · 09/12/2025 09:57

You're not going back on your offer, you offered to have the older kids and have done that.

Are you even sure your daughter is expecting you to care for the baby? Who would expect that of an almost 80 year old who is caring for their husband?

cannynotsay · 09/12/2025 09:57

You’ve done so much already, it was on her to have another on. Just tell her you can’t do it anymore, surprised she didn’t check it was ok x

Nogoodusername · 09/12/2025 09:57

You aren’t being unreasonable at all. She chose to go back to the baby days, not you! I would have a conversation with her, and soon, and basically say that you are older now and life has changed and you aren’t able to look after a baby all day anymore as you did with the oldest two. Happy to continue after school care for the older two for xx days per week, but full time baby care is a no.

ComfortFoodCafe · 09/12/2025 09:58

Not unreasonable at all. Youve given her ten years of child care and saved her thousands upon thousands! Its time she either pays for childcare or reduces her hours. She choose to have a third baby & change the game, not you!

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 09:58

You’ve done loads and saved her a fortune. You need to prioritise yourself and your husband, you’re dealing with so much there already. She’s chosen to have this baby, she and the other parent are responsible for childcare. I hope she’s extremely grateful for everything you’ve done for her.

Hadalifeonce · 09/12/2025 09:58

Is you DD actually expecting you to look after her baby? If so, she is being totally unreasonable. Of course you should tell her that you won't be able to look after her baby.

Iloveshihtzus · 09/12/2025 09:59

I honestly cannot believe any woman with an ounce of empathy would ask her 80 year old mother to mind her baby and 2 other children full time. This is apart from the aspect of your caring duties for your husband! I mean, I’m always amazed at how people on here take their parents for granted with childcare, having never had childcare from my parents or PIL (apart from the odd time when they visited us , but never fir more than a couple of hours).

Original poster
five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

Smartiepants79 · 09/12/2025 09:55

How much do you have them? Every day? Is the baby with you all day everyday?
Can you start by saying you need to cut back on how many days?
How old is the baby?

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 09/12/2025 10:00

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

Show quote history

Op thats way to much!! Your in your eighties, caring for your husband she should of offered to put her baby in nursery not just expect you to pick up & carry on. Once every few months I would understand but all week is just to much.

ShodAndShadySenators · 09/12/2025 10:00

Did she ask you if you were okay with looking after a baby all day for her while she was pregnant, or did she just assume that it would be fine and not ask? Looking after a baby all day every day is a completely different ball game to picking up older kids after school.

You need to tell her asap it's too much for you. You are already a carer for her DF which is a full time job, and you have your own age and difficulties to work around, not to mention the other grandchildren. You should be able to take a step back and have all of them less than currently, especially all at once. That would be too much for anyone!

Outside9 · 09/12/2025 10:00

YANBU at all. I would've been very grateful to have the support you have provided thus far. (My mother has never looked after my kids).

They're very lucky to have you, and should appreciate you want time for yourself.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2025 10:00

The agreement was looking after your two eldest grandchildren when their mum went back to work, 10 years ago. You are now 10 years older and struggling to look after a baby. You aren't being unreasonable and you need to speak to her. She may be eligible for free childcare which wasn't available when she had her two older children.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/12/2025 10:01

As an older granny myself (I was 67 when Gdc1 was born) who’s done regular childcare, I can’t believe that at your age, and with a dh already suffering from dementia, she’s expecting you to do any!

IMO you have to tell her you’re sorry, but it’s really just too much now.

Autumn1990 · 09/12/2025 10:01

Surely your daughter is eligible for the free (well discounted) nursery hours.

SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 09/12/2025 10:01

Your daughter shouldn’t have had a third child without a plan for childcare. Assuming you will continue providing endless childcare is beyond unreasonable.

DaisyChain505 · 09/12/2025 10:02

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

Show quote history

Jesus this is a lot and I can’t believe your daughter has just continued to expect this without routinely checking in to see if you’re still ok with it.

You are absolutely within your right to say that you aren’t the same as you were 10 years ago and you can’t handle it.

She’s been extremely lucky to have a parent like you offer free child care for so long and you’ve literally saved her tens of thousands of pounds.

Do not feel guilty about this.

Luxio · 09/12/2025 10:02

I think your daughter sounds very self centred and like she has zero respect for you.

You have saved her thousands in care over a decade of looking after her children, if she cannot afford childcare for a third child she shouldn't have had a third. I'm afraid I would be stepping back significantly in doing any childcare for her especially in light of your age and other caring responsibilities.

Icecreamandcoffee · 09/12/2025 10:03

The earlier you can have an honest conversation about childcare support you are willing to offer the better. There are long waiting lists for the good nurseries and childminders round us so the earlier your daughter knows she needs to find childcare the better. If she has not gone back to work yet, it will also help with her been able to organise her days in and what days the childcare is available if she wants to go PT.

You are not unreasonable at all to want to reduce days and time you have your Grandchildren. You can explain things have changed health wise since the offer was first made all those years ago. 3 children at once is hard work and the toddler years (especially after the dropped afternoon nap or if the toddler is not allowed to nap so as to make bedtime easier on the parents) are very hard on grandparents IME (help run a playgroup attended by many grandparents).

Greatholidaybut · 09/12/2025 10:03

I am 20 years younger than you and my daughter is grateful for us having her children once or twice a week for a few hours. Babies/ toddlers are bloody hard work and dare I say it quite mind numbing company,my daughter would agree .
Am sure that if she is reasonable she will completely understand.

BellaBal · 09/12/2025 10:03

Yanbu!

There is NO WAY there should be any expectation for you to do anything more than be kind and grandmotherly - you definitely should not feel any compulsion to help your dd out practically in any way. You’ve done plenty - far more than most grans would do!!

I had a baby when my mum was nearly 80 and I saw it as a wonderful opportunity to take time off work and give my mum the company, love and support that she longed for. So we’d pop round and mum would cuddle the baby while I’d fix a meal and do some gardening or change her beds. It was lovely for everyone. And I put my dc in childcare when I went to work again.

I certainly would not expect an elderly lady to be doing the school run, minding kids AND looking after a baby! That’s crazy.

Don't forget the childcare rules have changed so there are 30 funded hours available immediately - there’s no gap any more. So your dd can get subsidised daycare and will NOT suffer financially as much as she would have with baby 1 and baby 2

xyzandabc · 09/12/2025 10:03

Has she actually asked you to have the baby? I can't imagine expecting an 80yr old who is already caring for someone with dementia to be able to also look after a baby?

If you are happy to continue with the older children, then that's fine, you could do that, but baby will have to go elsewhere. If you are finding the older ones too much, then it's time to have the conversation, maybe reduce the number of days you have them to 1 or 2 after schools a week.

Your daughter must have realised, even when you first started looking after the older ones that the arrangement couldn't last forever. It sounds like you have done a tremendous amount over the years for which she should be 110% appreciative.