To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

She’s expecting far too much.
My parents are mid/late 60s, my ILs are early 70s. All in good health. They still find (occasionally!!) caring for my 5 and 7 year olds two-on-two exhausting.

Have you ever actually been able to just enjoy your retirement or have you gone straight from work, to full time childcare, to caring for your husband, and then both?!

She probably thought that she had childcare sorted, via her mother! Even collecting the older two from school will become difficult as her husband's condition advances, she may not be able to leave him to go to school.

Only read OP's posts.

Since they didn't check with you that you'd be willing to do full time childcare for a baby, just assumed, then I think you don't need to feel bad about saying No.

Do they have backup for when you are unable to care for the children?

If they’re in England thy can get some help towards the costs and then it goes up once they are 3, plus you can get tax back on your childcare costs from the Gov, depending on your earnings.

youre not unreasonable, a lot changes in 10 years, just give her lots of notice and perhaps you might do 1 day a week with the baby still? You’re not the Children’s parents, the parents are responsible for looking after them. Lots of people don’t have any help from grandparents so it’s not that unusual.

I think I'd also add that where I am the help you've given so far would have cost them well over £100k...

Wow, your DD sounds incredibly selfish that she thinks her 80yo mother should look after a baby 5 days a week.

She needs to take responsibility for her own actions. That she’s a single mum isn’t your problem.

I can't stop thinking about this nearly 80 years old and expected to look after a baby! I get you didn't want to upset your Dd @five5five but she is being so selfish expecting this childcare.

YANBU, your daughter should absolutely have asked you if having a baby to take care of full time would be too much for you, and should have factored that into her decision to actually have another baby. YANBU, OP and you also do not need to offer money towards childcare - you have already saved her and her partner thousands and thousands over the last ten years and it is not down to you to bear the brunt of their life choices. Their baby, their responsibility. 9-5 the whole working week is way too much. I have no idea how they don't feel incredibly guilty for doing this to you.

Just seen this update. It was very silly of them to have the 3rd considering they don't have contact with his family and the health needs of your side of the family. They should have made allowance for having to pay for child care this time round and taken this into consideration when thinking about that 3rd child.

AT 80, our parents should be enjoying their finals years relaxed. she needs to think

I know! Honestly, I feel really pretty angry about this situation.

Do not give her money.
you have done enough
tell her now that you will need to stop in the new year so she needs to sort out childcare for all her own chikdren
and just do the occasional when it suits you

I’m half your age and I don’t think I could do full time 5 days a week with a 14 month old at this point.

she will have to reassess. The baby can go to nursery at least half of the days.

my mum is nearly 80 and cared for my dad. It was brutal and they only managed one day after school a week with my kids.

They'll get 30 free hours essentially 20% off through tax free childcare. The 'free' hours tends to amount to about 2 free days, could you possibly do 1 day, then they'd only be paying for 2. They've had so much free care from you.

I had all of my dc without family help.

Yes to having a conversation sooner rather than later and putting a timescale on it of 2 to 3 months if you can. As pp have said, finding good childcare is not easy and she'll need to start now. I would add to her that besides being too exhausted to cope, you are not happy about handling any emergencies at your age.

Wow what an awfully selfish daughter you have. She just assumed you'd take on a baby- astounding selfishness!!

You need to tell jer now, today that this stops. You never agreed to this and frankly it isn't your problem. Her not speaking to the husbands family isn't your problem. Frankly they shouldn't have had a 3rd child. Do not offer any financial contributions as you have done more than enough.

Honestly I'm utterly gobsmacked that she expects you to do this. My mother is younger and I'd never dream of putting this level of expectation on her!!

My mum has our kids 3 half days a week and never together, so she can enjoy it and it's not a chore. You're doing loads - just tell her asap to give her time to plan accordingly.

That is completely unreasonable of her. You must be worn out!

Offer to have the older ones still after school but for your own sake and that of your husband you need to say you can't manage a very young toddler. How would you feel if there was an accident whilst you were helping your husband with something?

My aunty and uncle were looking after their great.grandchild in their mid 70s my Aunt has alzheimers so my uncle was looking after a young toddler and his wife.

,
The situation was ridiculous and I don't know how anyone thought it was alright.

@five5five I think the huge barrage of responses from pp’s who are outraged on your behalf should clearly show you that you can step away from all of the childcare, now, and with an easy conscience. I think if you continue to offer childcare to the older ones that will make it easier for her to either get offended, or to gradually get the younger one in your care again.

Far clearer to just say you can’t do any childcare any more.

You sound like a lovely granny and I think you just need to tell her . At the end of the day you may not be in a position to even have the youngest after school in a few years taking into consideration your age and husbands health .

In your position I would try to give as much notice as possible but, yes, you can and absolutely should let her know you are not up to caring for the baby or even the older girls on a regular basis.

Present it as ‘we need to look at other options’ and maybe you could still help x times per week to pick up children and do tea or something like that but she will need to find a pro to care for the baby.

It is quite ridiculous (and not your fault) that she didn’t consider childcare before having a third baby, with such a big age gap, and just assumed she had you to look after all three five day a week.

I would never expect or ask an 80 year old to even babysit a baby let alone full time childcare. My mum and Mil are 50/60's and would not even ask that of them. You need to put your foot down and say 10 years ago was ok, now it is not!

Yanbu. She shouldn’t have had another baby if she couldn’t afford it. 2 children is plenty. I’ll never understand people bringing children in to the world when they can’t afford the ones they already have.
You’ve done 10 years caring for her children. You’re too old now.
My mum is mid 70’s and has looked after both mine and my sisters kids, though not regularly every day like you, more adhoc. My sister had another baby and my mum put her foot down and said she will never under any circumstances look after the baby. Absolutely fair enough. She’s too old to care for a young baby