Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

603 replies

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP posts:
WinWhenTheyreSinging · 09/12/2025 10:13

Who would expect that of an almost 80 year old who is caring for their husband?

As above, no reasonable person could possibly expect this of you. She is being extremely selfish.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 09/12/2025 10:13

Your daughter is extremely unreasonable and you should feel no guilt whatsoever about saying enough. Time for you to enjoy your retirement.

Nevermind17 · 09/12/2025 10:13

I am completely disgusted! You’re 80 years old and looking after a baby all day every day AND caring for a husband with dementia. I’m in my 50s and I couldn’t manage a baby or toddler full time.

OP, your daughter is going to kill you with her demands. Tell her no more! What a selfish person she is. It sickens me to see how some women take advantage of their aging mothers.

randomusernam · 09/12/2025 10:14

Just seen the comments about shifts. He can put in a flexible working request or get a new job. Shifts doesn’t make childcare your problem

waterrat · 09/12/2025 10:15

wow - nearly 80 and with a 14 month old full time!! thats crackers OP - mine were in childcare by that point and personally there is no way I would have wanted to do full tme with even my own 14 month old day in day out!!

A toddler that age will enjoy nursery or a childminder - you need to step in and be firm.

Coffeeishot · 09/12/2025 10:15

Im astounded she thinks this is ok, my mum is 74 I can't imagine her running after a baby all day !

myglowupera · 09/12/2025 10:15

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

That is far too much. Those are long, relentless days and you have yourself and your husband to think about and prioritise.
I don’t feel sorry for your daughter for having to now sort herself out. She’s had help from you for 10+ years - she’s extremely lucky!

I can see you adore your grandchildren and love having them and that doesn’t have to stop, but at this point now it should be for enjoyment and at a time that suits you, rather than every day to cater towards your daughter’s life and routines.

ComfortFoodCafe · 09/12/2025 10:16

God op what will you do if she decides to have another one?

Nevernonono · 09/12/2025 10:16

There is a good reason why 80 year olds can’t have babies!

Whoknows101 · 09/12/2025 10:16

Nobody in their right mind expects their 80 year old parents to be looking after their toddler for an entire day, let alone 5 days a week. The fact that you offered to do the same thing 10 years ago is completely irrelevant.

Unless you all sat down before she planned / had the baby and talked the arrangement through, then your daughter is taking the absolute proverbial here. Even then, it would have always been open to change at short notice given your situation.

Vivavivavivaviva · 09/12/2025 10:16

How many children do you look after each day? Is it the baby all day every day, then an additional two children, or is it other grandchildren as well?
To be honest, you should be scaling this down completely, across all fronts. I think you need to prioritise your own health and well-being (especially as you are a carer for your husband). Looking after small children is physically demanding - if you have a fall, and eg break your hip, that will change everything, especially in terms of whether your dh can be cared for at home. I can’t believe you have spent 10 years tied to school pick ups and drop offs, and childcare of small children. You have been completely selfless.

I think your dd needs to get new childcare in place. Maybe scale it down to having the school-aged grandchildren after school one day a week, and do not have the youngest one at all. Or stop doing regular childcare entirely.

My mum had some falls in her mid-late 70s because she was having to do additional caring responsibilities for family members, and it was too much for her physically. Knees / ankles / spine all irreparably damaged, and now she is a wheelchair user. Please prioritise your own health and well-being - you should be able to spend your time doing gentle exercise, meeting friends, doing hobbies, resting - and also enjoying time spent with your dh while you still can (if the dementia is not too advanced). Sorry to be blunt, but this is not a dress-rehearsal, it sounds like you are being completely taken for granted, and if you do not start to put yourself and your dh first, you may come to really regret that in future (my mum does).

In case your daughter takes you for granted and doesn’t tell you - thank you for being such an amazing and selfless grandparent for the last 10 years - but it is time for you now.

NewGirlInTown · 09/12/2025 10:16

Your daughter really should not have had a third child if she couldn’t afford to look after it without free labour from her elderly mother.
what a cheeky fucker!

sittingonabeach · 09/12/2025 10:17

They could have saved money by not having so many DC

I can't believe she is expecting you to do childcare now, never mind with a new baby. Who the hell expects an 80yo to do childcare.

Have you ever had a time to be able to enjoy your retirement and be able to do something spontaneously?

five5five · 09/12/2025 10:17

PollyBell · 09/12/2025 10:10

I prssume she didnt think about childcare when having another, you need to say no now

She didn’t think she needed to as she thought she had me.
I will be throwing a spanner in the works.
I could offer a financial contribution towards childcare for the youngest until she is at school if that’s a fair compromise.
The eldest won’t need child care much by then.

OP posts:
Tdcp · 09/12/2025 10:18

You're a very generous person. I have an 11 yr old and a baby and I wouldn't dream of having my nan (same age as you) look after the baby who is 8 month. All day 5 days a week when your husband also has dementia is too much. There are ways around childcare, I'm getting a supermarket evening / weekend job until DD starts school, it's a step down from what I was doing but I can't afford nursery even with the free hours. She had the baby and they can figure it out.

CatsNdogs77 · 09/12/2025 10:18

My mum is 75, she helped with childcare with my eldest, but there is no way I'd expect her to regularly have my toddler now. She offered but we could see she'd struggle so ive reduced hrs ans he goes to childcare. You are not being unreasonable. Again my mum will help with my eldest on occasion but that's different to a toddler

Anxietybummer · 09/12/2025 10:18

Oh gosh, wow. You’ve already don’t so much. The older children are 6 and 10, your DD made a choice to have a baby and would have done this knowing you were close to 80 with DH to look after now.

Im going back to work soon and I must say that nursery places are very thin on the ground, particularly good ones. Tell her quickly so she has time to prepare. Funding is widely available now too so it may not be as bad as you think.

budgiegirl · 09/12/2025 10:18

This is totally mad - my MIL is 79, in reasonable health, and we wouldn't even ask her to look after our dog for more than a few hours any more - let alone a baby all day, every day.

You need to be honest with your DD. Did she even check with you that you would be happy to look after the baby, or did she just assume that you would? Who in their right mind thinks that this is ok?? I can't imagine putting any 79 year old in this position.

justbecauseyoucandoesntmeanyoushouldx · 09/12/2025 10:18

YANBU! This is why we refused when MIL said she'd look after DD 5 days a week so I could go back to work - it's just too much! We agreed to 1 day and the rest a combination of my mum, nursery and me being part time. I think her and FIL are eternally grateful we didn't take them up on the offer.

The only thing is you need to speak to her ASAP and get her looking at childcare places, everywhere round here gets booked up really quickly (DS has been signed up to once since my 20wk scan) so she'll need to start ringing round to find a place.

wizzler · 09/12/2025 10:18

My mil had Dc1 one day per week but let me know when I had dc2 that she didn’t feel she could do the same for her. I was pleased she told me, I didn’t want her to be dreading having her grandchild, and she let me know early enough so I could sort something out.

Crazybigtoe · 09/12/2025 10:19

Are you also worried that you would be letting her down? Or that your relationship will change with the grandchildren if you were not to care for them over as many hours?

Things change. And it's ok to shift into something different. You have been incredible - and I'm sure your daughter and SonIL and grandchildren all really appreciate you being such a close knit family. I'd have a chat with them. And come to some agreement so that you have some extra down time.

My aunt and uncle had their 3 grandchildren come stay at their house after school all through secondary- kids more independent then- and they have an amazing bond. Maybe that's something to keep going as the kids hit secondary?

countrygirl99 · 09/12/2025 10:19

Don't you dare offer a financial contribution. She should have asked you before making any assumptions. Any problems her her and her husband's. It's not down to you to solve them. She's enough of a CF as it is.

Luxio · 09/12/2025 10:19

five5five · 09/12/2025 10:17

She didn’t think she needed to as she thought she had me.
I will be throwing a spanner in the works.
I could offer a financial contribution towards childcare for the youngest until she is at school if that’s a fair compromise.
The eldest won’t need child care much by then.

She didn't think is the most accurate thing you've said about the situation to be honest. She's a grown adult with 3 children it is not your financial responsibility and you're not throwing a spanner into anything. This is hers and her partner's problem for resolve not yours. I'd honestly be so disappointed if my child was so selfish as an adult.

Frogs88 · 09/12/2025 10:20

I think the fact that’s she’s actually expected an 80 year old who’s caring for her husband to look after a baby Monday to Friday is madness. She is probably entitled to 30 hours free childcare so she needs to find a nursery and work out the other hours with her partner. Tell her now that it’s too much and if you can have the baby until she finds a nursery/childminder place.

Greatholidaybut · 09/12/2025 10:20

My lovely Mum used to look after my son when he was 10 for a couple of hours after school on a Friday. I provided a shove in the oven meal for his dinner.Mum was aged about 75…would never have expected anymore than that. Absolutely no way would my Mum have managed more than that and I would never have even presumed she could do anymore. Bloody shocking behaviour from your daughter….what planet is she on ?