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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

603 replies

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 09/12/2025 10:04

80 and she is expecting you to baby sit ? You have to say something she can get a childminder or nursery, but you need to tell her.

OhDonuts · 09/12/2025 10:04

Your daughter is expecting too much of you. A baby/toddler is hard work when you are young, at 80 I can’t imagine how much harder that must be. You also have your DH needs to consider.
As others have said, you aren’t going back on your word. You were in your late 60s when you made that promise, which you have fulfilled. You didn’t sign yourself up for starting again with a baby in your 80s!

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 10:04

She is taking the absolute piss and has been for years. Of course stop this gruelling task. I am sorry she didn't suggest you stopping years and years ago.

Stop all the free childcare, for everyone, unless you are especially keen. They are all piss takers.

rookiemere · 09/12/2025 10:04

What you are doing is totally ridiculous. She chose to have another baby, she cannot expect you at your age with a DH with a dementia diagnosis to provide full time care, except apparently she does.
I would give her a month’s notice and tbh I would ease back on the other childcare commitments You deserve some quality time with your DH before he deteriorates and if your DCs cannot see that, then they are being extremely selfish.

Iloveshihtzus · 09/12/2025 10:06

@Icecreamandcoffee and @xyzandabc

read the OP updates.

the daughter has already gone back to work and GM is minding 3 children- a 14 month old full time and 2 primary after school and probably holidays.

Bryonyberries · 09/12/2025 10:07

There is a lot more help with childcare costs now than when her older ones were little. She should get 22hrs a week of funding if she uses it all year around from when baby is 9 mths old. She may also get help through tax free childcare scheme.

Babies and toddlers are hard work and it will be too much for you as you’ll be 85 by time this one starts school!

Overthebow · 09/12/2025 10:07

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

Show quote history

No you are not being unreasonable, every day is way too much and she shouldn’t have expected you to do this. Childcare is very different to 10 years ago, she can get 30 funded hours a week which brings the cost down as well as the tax free childcare, she should be using a nursery or childminders. Talk to her now and explain you can’t do childcare, if you wanted maybe you could offer 1 day a week but only if you feel you can.

SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 09/12/2025 10:08

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

Show quote history

Your daughter is being phenomenally selfish, you can’t possibly continue to provide up to 50 hours of childcare a week, that’s more than a full time job!

CraftyPlayer · 09/12/2025 10:08

Oh bless you, you’ve done/are doing so so much. You absolutely should not still be expected to be doing so much childcare now.

FollowSpot · 09/12/2025 10:08

Good grief!

I am gobsmacked that your Dd expected you to undertake care for the new baby and just took it for granted.

The offer was made a long long time ago, you were younger, did not have your current (huge) extra caring difficulties etc. What does your Dd expect? That you will still be caring for the youngest when you are 90 because if a promise you made 10 years ago??

You need to tell her NOW that you cannot take the baby, and also give notice that the care of the older ones is on notice.

OP: many in your DD’s position would be juggling life to offer some support to their 80 yo Mum and their Dad with cognitive and mobility issues, not dumping another baby in them.

Good luck: you need , really need, to sort this out before you find yourself in an unsafe situation with the baby.

Original poster
five5five · 09/12/2025 10:10

I offered the child care so she could go back to work as I love having them and wanted them to save their money and then along came another and I’d just got used to a couple of hours after school by then so it’s just a big change.
What makes it worse for them is that they are no longer in contact with his family at all so I am all they’ve got.
He works shifts so it’s all very hectic.

OP posts:
Feelingsunny · 09/12/2025 10:10

Your daughter shouldn't have assumed that you could add a baby to your childminding care. She should have checked with you. Or... just used her common sense and worked out the obvious, which is that it would be unfair to ask you to look after a baby as well.
Don't feel bad about telling her that looking after the baby needs to stop without delay. You might also need to have a conversation about what her plans are for the older two, as things progress with your husband. You shouldn't have to be initiating this, your daughter knows what's going on and should be more considerate of you.

Greatholidaybut · 09/12/2025 10:10

FollowSpot · 09/12/2025 10:08

Good grief!

I am gobsmacked that your Dd expected you to undertake care for the new baby and just took it for granted.

The offer was made a long long time ago, you were younger, did not have your current (huge) extra caring difficulties etc. What does your Dd expect? That you will still be caring for the youngest when you are 90 because if a promise you made 10 years ago??

You need to tell her NOW that you cannot take the baby, and also give notice that the care of the older ones is on notice.

OP: many in your DD’s position would be juggling life to offer some support to their 80 yo Mum and their Dad with cognitive and mobility issues, not dumping another baby in them.

Good luck: you need , really need, to sort this out before you find yourself in an unsafe situation with the baby.

Edited

Agree …cannot believe that someone can be so selfish!

PollyBell · 09/12/2025 10:10

I prssume she didnt think about childcare when having another, you need to say no now

user1492757084 · 09/12/2025 10:11

You need to get real and admit to your daughter that five days is now too much for you.
Give your daughter as much time as you can to organise other child care for the baby. Maybe offer for two days a week for six more months and then just the after school care every second day.
Your daughter will thank you for forcing her to find alternative child care.

HaveYouFedTheFish · 09/12/2025 10:11

On reading the thread title only I thought YABU (my mother offered to have my niece so my sister could return to work - sister even moved house to make this possible, got a job, started it, three days in my mother - who was then early retired in her late 50s - changed her mind because she apparently only then realised that toddler niece was incompatible with long lunches with friends and hair/nail appointments - no shit Sherlock...).

However you have kept your promise/ made good on your offer for ten years! Of course things have changed in that time! You are ten years older and your husband has dementia - more than reason enough, if one were needed, but really having made good on your offer for a decade is enough.

Absolutely YANBU to say that you can be an emergency contact for school/ nursery but your daughter needs to arrange nursery and after school wrap around. Or if you feel able, continue to do after school, but definitely nursery or childminder for the baby until the end of the school day.

TeamGeriatric · 09/12/2025 10:11

You have far too much on your plate, it's completely unreasonable of your daughter to expect you to provide childcare for a baby with everything else you are doing.

P0PP · 09/12/2025 10:11

God what a piss take. I’m very sorry she took you for granted

Nosleepforthismum · 09/12/2025 10:12

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

Show quote history

Wow, your daughter is an absolute cow bag. I’m enraged on your behalf reading this. Don’t have a 3rd child if you can’t afford childcare. Stupid, selfish woman she is. You are not reducing your hours, you aren’t doing it full stop. I could never treat my own mum or MIL in this way.

Luxio · 09/12/2025 10:12

five5five · 09/12/2025 10:10

I offered the child care so she could go back to work as I love having them and wanted them to save their money and then along came another and I’d just got used to a couple of hours after school by then so it’s just a big change.
What makes it worse for them is that they are no longer in contact with his family at all so I am all they’ve got.
He works shifts so it’s all very hectic.

But none of this is your problem to solve. They knew he worked shifts and the hours she would be working when they chose to have a third child. You need to tell her to find alternative childcare for the toddler. You made the offer a decade ago in very different circumstances you are not to be expected to be beholden to it forever.

randomusernam · 09/12/2025 10:13

No childcare will not cripple them. If she has two school aged children she needs to cover school holidays anyway so she will get three days a week term time only paid for by the government. She will also get the tax paid on her childcare so she will get another 20% free. My child goes 4 days a week and I pay around £300 a month. You are 80 years old and her kids are not your job. Her and the children father should be splitting time and covering childcare between them. Me and my husband condense hours on some days and have other time off to look after kids. It can be done. Myself and my husband do not earn massive wages either. Between us we earn 50k.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 09/12/2025 10:13

That's insane. Even the fittest 79yr old in the world doesn't need to be chasing a toddler round full time. Older girls after school I can understand, even that is a lot if it's every day.

You should tell you daughter to use childcare, I can't believe she expects you to do that. Did she ask or just assume?

PollyBell · 09/12/2025 10:13

user1492757084 · 09/12/2025 10:11

You need to get real and admit to your daughter that five days is now too much for you.
Give your daughter as much time as you can to organise other child care for the baby. Maybe offer for two days a week for six more months and then just the after school care every second day.
Your daughter will thank you for forcing her to find alternative child care.

Or say enough is enough the op is 80 when does it end, are grandparents ever allowed their own life?

Can't arrange childcare stop having children it is not rocket science

ComfortFoodCafe · 09/12/2025 10:13

Well she shouldnt of had another if she had nobody else to help apart from you. She will get 30 free hours childcare, no reason why she cant use a nursery! My nan is 80 and she couldnt manage looking after mine even for a few hours and they are ten & 14. How youve managed this far is bloody amazing op.

Throwntothewolves · 09/12/2025 10:13

I think the expectation was there because you have always done the childcare. But now things are different. You are older, have caring responsibilities and instead of two children to look after for a couple of hours after school, you are caring for a 14 month old all day too.
I think you need to say you can't do childcare for the youngest. Are you happy to continue with after school care? If so say as much, if not call time on that too.
Give your daughter and her partner (it's his responsibility too) time to work out alternative arrangements, but put a date on it or they won't have any incentive to sort it.
While it's lovely that you care, their finances are not your concern. They should have considered the cost of childcare when choosing to have the first two, never mind a third with their childcare provider in her 80s.
If she gets annoyed about it and tries to guilt trip you, stand firm, she (they) are being very unreasonable and entitled if they behave that way.
Ultimately you will all be happier when this arrangement ends and you can enjoy spending time with the grandchildren and their parents on your own terms.