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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

603 replies

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP posts:
Toddlergirly · 09/12/2025 10:34

You are older than my grandparents. I would never ask them to look after my toddler. Your daughter needs to pay for nursery and after school clubs.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/12/2025 10:34

Yeah, she’s taking the piss.

Maryaliceyoungx · 09/12/2025 10:35

Does she not have access to free childcare hours??

Crazybigtoe · 09/12/2025 10:35

On a more positive point, once you have more free time, do you have any plans in mind? I'd have a think about projects / hobbies/ holidays / goals you want to do etc and start to line some of those up for 2026.

HushTheNoise · 09/12/2025 10:37

Good grief, that's one selfish daughter. She should be helping you. It's not ' going back on your offer', it's just realising that life changes and it's not working now. She should not have had a third child without budgeting for childcare. You should be allowed to just enjoy having your grandchildren round for tea sometimes.

Saz12 · 09/12/2025 10:37

Five days a week until 5.30 is a huge amount, regardless of your DH needing some care etc.

I think you need to just tell her outright - it's far too much, you need to care for your DH more than ypu used to, etc.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 09/12/2025 10:37

your daughter is expecting too much! Even 10 years ago I’m assuming Mon-Frid was the arrangement.
She has chosen to have children and has chose to have a 3rd not taking into account your age or her dads health.

I’ve only been able to have 1 child due to fertility problems but I deliberately worked shifts and part time so at the most my parents had her 1 day per week.
I wouldn’t expect to put that onto my parents (who are younger than you).
If by a miracle I was able to have another child my mam would have them 1 day alternate weeks as my MIL would be the same. I could never ask for any more!

AnxiousAnnieeeeeeeeee · 09/12/2025 10:37

My wonderful mum and MIL played an important role in helping with childcare when my dc1 was born. We asked them what they wanted to do, rather than tell them what we needed. This meant that we did a mix - one day with grandparents, and some paid childcare.

When my dc2 was born my mum was older and less able and I spoke to her about using only childcare at that point. My in laws continued to help because they are younger.

I would never have expected to rely on family solely for childcare unless they had offered and wanted to.

Please don’t feel bad - you aren’t in any way unreasonable. She should have had a conversation with you rather than just expect it. Things change, you are older now. But not only that, while I’m sure you love your grandchildren, you are also entitled to a life beyond caring for them.

Her eldest two are in school therefore they will need to find a way to pay for childcare for the baby.

Have a think about that you want to offer - zero days, one day, a half day for the baby etc. And do this before you speak to her so that you are firm in what you feel you can manage and want to do.

FurForksSake · 09/12/2025 10:37

Bless you OP, I can understand how awkward this feels. But, they’ll need to work something out. If this thread tells you anything it is that the expectation is beyond the imagination of everyone here.

They can claim towards the cost, they can apply for flexible hours and work opposite shifts, they can do what is needed.

At your age you should be enjoying life, looking after yourself and your husband and if you choose to helping out in a very, very light way. The older two after school a couple of times a week or for the odd inset is absolutely plenty.

The quicker you tell them the quicker they can find a child minder it make arrangements.

ThePoshUns · 09/12/2025 10:38

If her partner works shifts. Why isn’t he having them in the day when he isn’t working? Sorry but they are taking advantage of you and are selfish not to consider how much they are putting on you?

Summerlilly · 09/12/2025 10:38

She’s absolutely taking the piss.
What on earth is she thinking also, this is not a safe choice for anyone in that house.

If she couldn’t afford the childcare, she shouldn’t have had a 3rd child. Having children involves many sacrifices and if you can’t afford/wont take them. You don’t have children.

You have to put you and your husband first now.

PurpleThistle7 · 09/12/2025 10:38

I cannot believe your daughter needs to be told. I think it's kind to give her some notice if you can manage but also you have really, really gone way past anything that is reasonable to ask of anyone. Your daughter is being insanely selfish here.

Coffeeandbooks88 · 09/12/2025 10:38

Definitely not unreasonable! She is entitled to childcare funding from nine months if she is in England. She is asking far too much of you.

Toddlergirly · 09/12/2025 10:38

five5five · 09/12/2025 10:17

She didn’t think she needed to as she thought she had me.
I will be throwing a spanner in the works.
I could offer a financial contribution towards childcare for the youngest until she is at school if that’s a fair compromise.
The eldest won’t need child care much by then.

Show quote history

She’s 43 and had 20 years to save up. Nurseries and after school clubs exist and the parents need to pay.

Mustreadabook · 09/12/2025 10:38

Wow thats a lots of free childcare she has had. And baby will be due some free nursery soon. I think you need to cut back, but no need to go from all to nothing. why not say you can do 1 day a week for baby. Daughter still saves some money, and you get to see baby, I think you may find it hard to see the youngest so much less than the others? Or even pick baby up from nursery at lunch time once or twice a week if a full day is too long.

Lubilu02 · 09/12/2025 10:39

You need to have an honest conversation with your daughter. That is a huge amount of time for anybody to be responsible for a 14 month old.

I can see from my own mother and in laws how their capability to look after my children lessened as they got older, and I made the call to limit the amount of help they give as I could see it had become too demanding as they have gotten older. They would never admit this though.

As the 14 month old gets older they are going to be getting into EVERYTHING and it is not fair on you to constantly having to keep everything out of their way to keep them safe.

To say you would happily contribute towards is a wonderful gesture which I'm sure will really help.

The best thing you can do is explain you have really enjoyed it but as babies needs are changing they need to find someone who can keep up with it as of January.

Never feel guilty about admitting it's too much, it keeps little one safe in the end because there are complete handfuls! X

CalculatingCrispen · 09/12/2025 10:39

I actually find it hard to believe that your daughter has put you in this position.

Please dont feel you have to make a financial "compromise" - they are her children and if she has decided to have another baby and feel her nearly 80 year old mother is a good option when you already care for her father with dementia then she is disgraceful and very, very selfish.

You have done your bit. She can put her hand in her pocket and pay for her own child.

AnxiousAnnieeeeeeeeee · 09/12/2025 10:40

I’ve already replied but want to add - you aren’t going back on your offer. You have more than fulfilled what you offered to do. You just can’t offer the same for her third child and that’s ok. It’s nothing to worry about or feel guilty about.

I would give a date to her when you will stop being able to do it - give her time to find alternative arrangements if you feel you can cope until then.

Whatwerewetalkingabout · 09/12/2025 10:41

five5five · 09/12/2025 10:17

She didn’t think she needed to as she thought she had me.
I will be throwing a spanner in the works.
I could offer a financial contribution towards childcare for the youngest until she is at school if that’s a fair compromise.
The eldest won’t need child care much by then.

Show quote history

Did she discuss if you would be able to manage with a baby again considering you're 80? You can't just perpetually expect your parent to provide childcare for more and more children as they get older. What if she has another?

I'm 43 and my Mum's 80, I have a 5 year old, she has him after school maybe once a week or once a fortnight for tea and she's maybe had him for a sleep over a 10 times during his life. (But she never really had him on his own when he was a baby) Not until he was over 2.

I'm sorry but full time childcare for a baby at 80 is mental! She should be entitled to some free nursery hours if they're both full time. I can't believe she's not considered your advancing years? My Mums health and mobility has really gone down hill the past 3 years, she now needs a stick and mobility scooter. 3/4 years ago we were doing 5 mile round hikes through the wood with the pushchair.

FamBae · 09/12/2025 10:41

Who on earth voted that yabu! is your daughter reading this. Update, it's been removed thank goodness.

Hankunamatata · 09/12/2025 10:41

Talk to her and give her 6 months to find childcare for the baby. Tell her your just not coping.

RosesAndHellebores · 09/12/2025 10:41

If one of my DC thought they were entitled to this sort of support a third time, I would be very disappointed in them.

Your dd's a cheeky, entitled mare and I'm surprised your other dc haven't had stern words with her. However, you really should have been clear much, much sooner.

gamerchick · 09/12/2025 10:42

Christ you've done your time OP. Your daughter should have had her eyes open here

You need to tell her now that you can't take the baby on and the times coming when she'll have to sort childcare.

Give her a date to sort it and if she does dramatics then it's tough.

vintage44 · 09/12/2025 10:42

Blimey! What a nerve?
They should be flocking round you and DH.

MaturingCheeseball · 09/12/2025 10:42

This is a similar situation to a lady I got talking to out walking the dog. Her dil had a baby ten years after the others. She had looked after her gc full-time for all those years but had told her ds and dil that she was now too old to start all over again as she was in her late 70s. The ds and dil had then gone nc! This woman was crying to me - a stranger - that she no longer saw her gc as a punishment for letting the family down.