To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

Sorry OP, but anyone with any conscience and sense would have looked at their ageing parents and not even considered asking them to do more years of childcare.

If you are rolling in money , fine, but frankly as your husbands needs increase you might need that money to help him.

Are you afraid of your daughter?

Well said!

Honestly she made her choices and actually taking advantage of you, all you need to say you are finding the baby too much and will she find alternatives, you don't have to offer money until she has made her alternative arrangements and even then you still don't have to.

It is too much too much for you now. You are at risk of making yourself exhausted and ill. Your daughter is selfish and unreasonable to have a third child and expect you to do all this work. I’m actually shocked at this.
So please prioritise yourself and your husband. Help a little with the older children - but only if you want

I'm a gran in my sixties and I absolutely couldn't manage what you are doing for one day! You deserve a medal, honestly. Your daughter needs to look into nursery care urgently for the baby, what you are doing is not sustainable at all and I think she is totally unreasonable expecting it. You have done over and above already. Tell her!

Your offer hasn't changed, her circumstances have. She can't keep having babies and think you will always look after them. That's not fair on you. A baby is a lot of work and you've got enough on your plate.

You are not going back on your original offer. You have fulfilled your duty and are now moving into another stage of life. Your daughter has saved thousands in childcare and has hopefully progressed in her job. It is time for them to find alternative childcare. You have done your bit for all the grandkids. Time to move on now.

For heaven's sake. An 80 yr old looking after a 6 and 10 yr old, occasionally three other grandchildren, and expected to take on a baby - alongside caring for a husband with dementia?

Sorry OP, but however much you adore your grandchildren, and however unwittingly you and your daughter might have drifted into this situation - the fact is, you are being exploited. Verging on elder abuse.

Your daughter was very presumptive to have another baby, if they can't afford the childcare.

Whatever happened to adult children looking after you in your old age?

My in-laws looked after our first child one full day a week until she was 9. We then had another baby and they politely told us they wouldn’t be able to do the same for our second as they were ten years older by the time I went back to work. We had no problem with this and were so grateful for what they’d already done for us. I went back to work less hours as it was the best option financially, I’d earn only a little over the nursery fees. I think what you’ve already done is above and beyond and hopefully they are so grateful for that and will understand your reasons for not being able to do it again for the new baby.

YANBU at all.

I cannot believe you’re doing all this at nearly 80. I’m 50 and I’d find it a LOT.

You have saved her thousands and thousands of pounds over the years. You’ve done your bit.

Your daughter is incredibly selfish to land you with full time childcare of a baby/toddler and wraparound care for two. 80 years old with a husband with health struggles! The mind actually boggles and I could not even conceive of putting this on my own mother, who is only 69 and with no other life stressors.

Childcare cripples everyone. She’ll just have to figure it out like everyone else.

@five5five your daughter should have thought before having another child, you can't just expect your parents to do all childcare when another child comes along. If they can't afford childcare then they shouldn't have had another child. They have saved thousands over the years. Don't give them any money. They should be able to finance their own lives

So you had the older two full time & then onto after school?

So all the money that she saved & is still saving with no childcare costs-where is it?

They must have something put away to be able to afford childcare for the youngest?

10yrs they have been taking the piss!

Eta-no, I don't think you should offer any money towards their childcare costs.

You have saved them more than enough without actually paying out as well!

I think its disgraceful that she expects you to care for a toddler at your age and with your dh's issues, absolutely disgraceful, and so selfish. My mum minded my two dc 2 days per week but she was only in her 60s, and when I had baby number 3 I stopped the arrangement as I felt it was too much. You need to stop this, right now, and if she doesn't understand why she is selfish and quite heartless actually.

You will be a fool if you offer her money. It is not your responsibility! She knew when she chose to have another child in her 40s that her octogenarian mother couldn’t be dumped upon forever (unless she has the IQ of a fish finger).

This should be your time now. You should finally be able to relax and enjoy your own time and money.

Obviously it's not reasonable for her and the baby's dad to have assumed that you would look after a baby and older children at nearly 80.

I'd also be very wary of offering financial help unless you've done the same for your other grandchildren. It doesn't particularly sound like they've had a fair deal out of this either.

I was replying as the updates came in.

Seeing this. I still believes OP needs to have the conversation that she cannot carry on as she is.

It is up to you @five5five about how much care you are comfortable doing. This could be a couple of full days or just occasional back up care. It's what you are comfortable and feel able to do. Do not be pressured by your daughter saying there is no care available. The older ones could attend wrap around before and after school. This conversation needs to be happening this week as at our school wrap around booking for next term gets released end of next week. Again, in regards to nurseries and childminders some will have spaces coming available in January as children move up into school nurseries. So realistically you are looking at providing care for them until January if you don't want to leave your daughter in the lurch but it is possible to find some provision come January. Also can the other grandparents (your daughters DP's parents) do any childcare at all? I know a couple of grandparents that share care of their grandchildren, one does 2 days and the other 3 days one week and 3 days and 2 days the next.

I reiterate caring for a 14 month old (who is now likely mobile and starting to refuse and resist going in car seats and prams) is not easy. IME it is this stage most grandparents start to struggle, when naps start dropping, they don't want to go in prams or car seats, they suddenly start running and are on the move. Whilst you have the older 2 to do the chasing when they are off school it is that 9-3.30 chunk that you still need to be able to cope with. I am amazed that she assumed you would care for the 3rd with such a big gap between children and her own father's deteriorating health and your age in consideration.

Personally I think your daughter is taking the mickey.

Of course you cant look after a baby when you're nearly eighty. Except in an emergency for an hour or two.

Jesus. My Mum is 76 and there's not a cat in hell's chance I would EVER ask her to do childcare for me. My choice to have children. Your daughter is beyond entitled. You should be able to have them for a couple of hours to enjoy them, not be actively raising them.

If you're her daughter, and you're reading this - my god, you're a selfish person.

PLEASE say no. It's simply not fair. It's not fair for you to be doing any childcare at all. Her choice to have children, she should have made provision.

No you don’t need to offer her any money AT ALL.
Why can’t she just pay for it herself? If it means she’s got less money to live on then well that’s what happens. Welcome to the world of parents who have to pay for childcare. There is the 30 free hours which might be helpful to her.

Your daughter is a selfish cheeky fucker!

She’s in her 40’s so well aware of your health limitations but she doesn’t care because she’s prioritised her wants over your needs!

You have to tell her to sort out paid childcare for the children from now on and you can revert to being a loving grandparent, not her skivvy.

I felt exhausted just reading this.

YANBU. I can barely believe what I’m reading to be honest. I don’t know how you manage to do it.