Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

603 replies

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP posts:
quiteathome · 10/12/2025 10:27

I hope the chat went well. It sounds like she should be starting to support you now as you will need increasing support with having a partner with dementia.

14 month olds are hard work and exhausting as you have to be alert all the time with them and they are hard for ages. You can't have them every day, once or twice a week is more than plenty.

Good luck, you sound like an amazing mum/ grandparent your daughter has been so lucky with all of the support you have already offered and given.

Unicornsatonalilo · 10/12/2025 11:35

I work in retail and have got to know many of my customers very well

One (lovely) couple are in their 90's and look after their two young great grandchildren 5 days a week (around school hours)

You can imagine the looks on their faces when they told me their granddaughter had just had another baby and fully expected them (not asked) to have the baby while she works full time

They are both a 'young' 90+ couple but they are knackered and where looking forward to doing less as the other great grandchildren where getting a bit older

I mean what is she thinking?they are knackered,would love a bit of time to themselves and spend time doing what they want to do,not having to look after a baby (as much as they love them)

They've brought up their own children,looked after their grandchildren and now their great grandchildren

I did say that she should be looking at childcare but they are terrified of her stopping 'contact'

It's bloody selfish-i had to pay to work when mine where small (all adults now) as my family refused to do a minute of childcare or help in any way

Punkerplus · 10/12/2025 12:12

Unicornsatonalilo · 10/12/2025 11:35

I work in retail and have got to know many of my customers very well

One (lovely) couple are in their 90's and look after their two young great grandchildren 5 days a week (around school hours)

You can imagine the looks on their faces when they told me their granddaughter had just had another baby and fully expected them (not asked) to have the baby while she works full time

They are both a 'young' 90+ couple but they are knackered and where looking forward to doing less as the other great grandchildren where getting a bit older

I mean what is she thinking?they are knackered,would love a bit of time to themselves and spend time doing what they want to do,not having to look after a baby (as much as they love them)

They've brought up their own children,looked after their grandchildren and now their great grandchildren

I did say that she should be looking at childcare but they are terrified of her stopping 'contact'

It's bloody selfish-i had to pay to work when mine where small (all adults now) as my family refused to do a minute of childcare or help in any way

That's utterly appalling. Imagine threatening your NINETY old relatives with no contact because they won't look after your baby. Some people need to tale a good hard look in the mirror at themselves.

Roobarbtwo · 10/12/2025 12:50

Punkerplus · 10/12/2025 12:12

That's utterly appalling. Imagine threatening your NINETY old relatives with no contact because they won't look after your baby. Some people need to tale a good hard look in the mirror at themselves.

Show quote history

The post didn't say they threatened to stop contact

Roobarbtwo · 10/12/2025 12:54

truffleruffle · 09/12/2025 22:58

I’m 67 retired at 61 and committed to look after grandchildren 1, 2, 3and 4. The best job in the world. Feel so lucky to have had the time with them pre school. Hopefully they will have many happy memories. I do think you should say if it’s too much. However I do understand there is so much enjoyment having them around.

You aren't 80 with a husband who has early onset dementia being expected to look after two young children and a baby. I personally don't understand why parents who qualify for free childcare hours don't use them

BMW6 · 10/12/2025 13:59

How did the chat go OP?

truffleruffle · 10/12/2025 14:14

Roobarbtwo · 10/12/2025 12:54

You aren't 80 with a husband who has early onset dementia being expected to look after two young children and a baby. I personally don't understand why parents who qualify for free childcare hours don't use them

Show quote history

Yes that’s why I said OP should say it’s too much

MrsDoubtfire123 · 10/12/2025 16:34

Hope it went well OP. I am sure your daughter would understand, you have done so much already 🙂

Roobarbtwo · 10/12/2025 20:05

MrsDoubtfire123 · 10/12/2025 16:34

Hope it went well OP. I am sure your daughter would understand, you have done so much already 🙂

I personally think someone who is so thoughtless to ask an 80 year old to look after 3 kids when her husband has dementia isn't going to understand

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 10/12/2025 20:40

Bit late to the thread but I agree that’s far too much and you’ve been amazing to help that much so far. You have to look after yourself. I’m half your age and would struggle with someone else’s baby all week and older kids too!!

please let us know how the chat goes. I really hope she understands.

she should be eligible for free hours if she’s working. Lots of parents have to manage with childcare so she will too.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/12/2025 21:20

She has been so lucky to have you for 10yrs doing childcare

and tbh a bit cheeky assuming you would want to have bed baby all day every day

do you went to stop totally or to do to say 2 days

they will have to pay for childcare for the toddler

ThatBlackCat · 11/12/2025 00:40

@five5five How did it go?

4forksache · 11/12/2025 22:40

Did you have the chat?

Grammarnut · 12/12/2025 11:28

Unicornsatonalilo · 10/12/2025 11:35

I work in retail and have got to know many of my customers very well

One (lovely) couple are in their 90's and look after their two young great grandchildren 5 days a week (around school hours)

You can imagine the looks on their faces when they told me their granddaughter had just had another baby and fully expected them (not asked) to have the baby while she works full time

They are both a 'young' 90+ couple but they are knackered and where looking forward to doing less as the other great grandchildren where getting a bit older

I mean what is she thinking?they are knackered,would love a bit of time to themselves and spend time doing what they want to do,not having to look after a baby (as much as they love them)

They've brought up their own children,looked after their grandchildren and now their great grandchildren

I did say that she should be looking at childcare but they are terrified of her stopping 'contact'

It's bloody selfish-i had to pay to work when mine where small (all adults now) as my family refused to do a minute of childcare or help in any way

What a selfish granddaughter. Of course two 90 year olds can't look after a baby full-time. Also, they probably don't want all their week-day evenings filled with childcare either.

💐to you. You have been marvellous.

MO0N · 12/12/2025 12:38

Not just selfish also very negligent! Who in their right mind would leave their baby in the care of a 90 year old. Wtf?!

ThatBlackCat · 12/12/2025 12:48

@Grammarnut and @MO0N the OP says she is 80 next year. Not 90. So she's currently 79. But that's still bad enough. The daughter is incredibly selfish. OP should be enjoying her twilight years. Bowling. Meeting friends. Senior citizens days out. Dancing. Enjoying her life. Not being a full time child minder at her age! I would be ashamed at how selfish my daughter is. I'd want my mum to be having the time of her life, not slaving as a full time child minder. It's clear OP's daughter uses her mum and takes her for granted. It's a form of elder abuse imo. I really hope OP go through to her daughter and she hasn't been made to cave in. That's my worry. Please @five5five , come back and tell us?

thepariscrimefiles · 12/12/2025 15:00

ThatBlackCat · 12/12/2025 12:48

@Grammarnut and @MO0N the OP says she is 80 next year. Not 90. So she's currently 79. But that's still bad enough. The daughter is incredibly selfish. OP should be enjoying her twilight years. Bowling. Meeting friends. Senior citizens days out. Dancing. Enjoying her life. Not being a full time child minder at her age! I would be ashamed at how selfish my daughter is. I'd want my mum to be having the time of her life, not slaving as a full time child minder. It's clear OP's daughter uses her mum and takes her for granted. It's a form of elder abuse imo. I really hope OP go through to her daughter and she hasn't been made to cave in. That's my worry. Please @five5five , come back and tell us?

@Grammarnut and @MO0N were referring to the post by @Unicornsatonalilo who knew a couple in their 90s who were providing care for their great grandaughters and their grandaughter had just had another baby and was expecting them to do childcare for this new baby five full days a week.

CautiousLurker2 · 12/12/2025 16:06

Sadly I suspect OP won’t be back and feel a little concerned that there was fall out as a result of her discussion. Really hope DD understood and everything is fine.

ThatBlackCat · 12/12/2025 16:10

thepariscrimefiles · 12/12/2025 15:00

@Grammarnut and @MO0N were referring to the post by @Unicornsatonalilo who knew a couple in their 90s who were providing care for their great grandaughters and their grandaughter had just had another baby and was expecting them to do childcare for this new baby five full days a week.

Show quote history

So they were. Doh! My apologies. 😳

NotReadyForChristmas2025 · 12/12/2025 19:21

Or they just agreed to keep caring???

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 14/12/2025 13:39

NotReadyForChristmas2025 · 12/12/2025 19:21

Or they just agreed to keep caring???

Sadly I think that’s probably the most likely outcome. 😢. I hope I’m wrong.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 15/12/2025 13:32

@five5five any updates OP?

Challenger2A7 · 04/04/2026 23:03

You say that childcare costs would cripple her. Hmmm, why do women persist in having babies they can't really afford?.She has two older children whose needs should have come first before any silly bloody urge to have another one. Is her husband playing away????? It's often an unspoken reason for having another baby.

carpool · 05/04/2026 00:00

I'm 70 and have recently pulled back on the childcare I do for my DD. The DGC are 8 and 5 and at school now, but we were still doing a lot of holiday care, DH is nearly 80, has stage 4 prostate cancer and can't really help much anymore so it is pretty much all down to me and I find it is getting too much and I am younger than the OP. It's been fine and we still see them a lot and DD understands. I also feel a bit bad that DS currently doesn't have DC but if he does in the future I won't be able to be the kind of hands on DGM I have been to DD's kids but it can't be helped - I can't turn the clock back.

ThatBlackCat · 05/04/2026 05:17

What happened, @five5five ?