To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

[Anita4PawsMomma]

I’d really like some advice. I’m not a regular on here, but someone suggested I post as they didn’t know what to say or how to help.

I’m really worried about my friend. She’s in her early 50s and lives with her daughter, who’s in her late 20s. Their relationship has always been quite unusual, they’re extremely close, almost too close really. Like totally enmeshed - but toxic at the same time. They do everything together, and her daughter’s never had proper friendships or a boyfriend because my friend gets too involved in her life (I’ve mentioned it over the years, but she just can’t seem to step back) but they also fight like cat & dog too and are in each others way.

Neither of them has ever worked or trained in anything. They live in a house that’s paid off from my friend’s divorce a few years ago, and she also got quite a large settlement, I’m not sure how much exactly, but it think in the hundreds of thousands (including detail for context of the issue).

The problem is, the money's ran out and her daughter refuses to work or contribute at all. Over the past year, I’ve really noticed my friend’s mental health getting worse as her money’s running out. I’ve tried to give advice, but I can be too black and white, and she sometimes takes that as being too harsh, so she tends to ignore me or blank me for a wile after.

Her daughter often lies to get out of things, and the latest is that she’s decided she’s autistic. I want to be really clear that I’m not dismissing genuine autism, but she’s self-diagnosed based on things she’s read online and seems to exaggerate a lot of it to avoid responsibility. And many people around know it's ridiculous as it goes against what everyone knows of her. Its as though she's pulled up a list of traits that severly autistic people exhibit and she's pushing that she has them all. If anyone questions it, she just says she’s always been “masking.” I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too. I've nearly been in heated arguments with the daughter before because of how this is impacting my friend.

Anyway, my friend’s now completely at a loss. The money’s almost gone, neither of them works, and they could end up losing their home. I honestly don’t know what to tell her anymore.

Can they apply for any benefits if they own their home outright? And has anyone been through anything similar with an adult child refusing to step up or take any responsibility? I don't know about taking out mortgages and if she can take money out of the property. But that still won't solve her problem with her daughter and the same dilemma will come back around again. Sorry for rambling but I don't know how to advice and I can see she's in a really bad place.

Would stay well out of it and set your own boundaries.

Why are you looking for ways to fix this? Your friend eventually will have to confront her issues but honestly you have tried and said everything you can to give her the best advice you can give. After that it is up to her. You should not be feeling this level of responsibility for fixing this situation. She should.

You're not responsible for fixing this so you need to stay out of it. In any case they surely both need to be applying for work if there's no money coming in.

This situation is not your responsibility, it's your friends. I wouldn't get involved at all.

I do disagree with your perception of the situation. No one should ever be expected to financially support their parents. Your friend has made some very poor life and parenting choices. These are the consequences of her choices. Of course a person in their 20's should be working but why wouldn't a woman in her early 50's not work? She could have another 30/40 years it is not reasonable to expect her child to support her for that length of time.

They both need to be the grown adults they are and start taking care of themselves. So let them get on with that and have no part in it.

They both need to look for work - they are both responsible. But if anyone is more responsible for the other it’s your friend, not the daughter! If your friend looks for work and is a good role model maybe her daughter will do the same. The daughter definitely shouldn’t be financially responsible for her mother though.

Is there a reason why your friend can’t work?
Obviously you are right in that they both will need to face reality at some point and do something. They could claim benefits but they aren’t as plentiful as people think. The thing is though, they’re not stupid. They are both capable of working this out for themselves so it would be both pointless and potentially damaging to your friendship to point out the obvious to them.

A large percentage of people with autism work so that shouldn't be an issue, it sounds as though they have both got in the habit of not working. They both need to find paid employment. Pronto.

Both of them need to get of their arses and get a job. Be supportive don't make it your problem.

You are a sweet friend for caring this much, but you're also over-involved.

Do not offer money or advice etc etc. I know it's hard because you want to help, but this isn't something you can fix. If no one has bothered to work or earn money for literal decades then it's an attitude problem.

You can be sympathetic but hold your boundaries before you're milked dry too. It might start off with buying groceries, lending £20, covering gas bills, and before you know it, you'll be paying rent and giving pocket money.

Honestly op, it sounds like your friend has created an unhealthy toxic relationship with her child and brought her up to be completely dependent on her mother. This usually happens when a parent needs to be 'needed' more than what is normal or healthy in a relationship. So essentially it's very likely your friend has created this situation, has done nothing to address it despite you bringing it to her attention and chose to fritter away the money instead of investing and saving and working and making a long term plan. I don't think you can really blame the dd for this now, the dd is a product of the parenting and what's been created here will be extremely hard to break. I'd direct her to citizens advice or debt action and stay well out of it. My guess is your friend will shortly be trying to make this increasingly your problem if you let her. You need to hold firm boundaries here.

Both need to get jobs pronto, not expect the taxpayers to support yet another lifestyle choice

Yes they can apply for benefits. If you only have one property and you live in it, it's discounted fully in terms of benefits.

If this girl alleged she's autistic then she needs to get assessed. But if she's just a lazy liar then she won't get anything in the way of disability.

They should both apply for UC though. I don't think you can get new style ESA if you've never paid NI or worked.

As for PIP, I don't want to encourage the daughter to lie on the forms as she sounds like the type to do that. So I'd say don't apply for that.

Being autistic but undiagnosed for many years takes its toll. I'm in work now but also under community mental health, psychodynamic therapy every week, agoraphobia, anorexic, and can't even work full time anymore.

You may not think the daughter is autistic, but honestly the way they're both living suggests otherwise. Not that it's a definite sign, of course, being autistic is a lot more than never working, not having friends or relationships, and staying at home with your mum... But it definitely suggests ND over NT on a first glance.

Masking is a thing, masking is pretending you're just the same as everyone when you're not. It's very difficult, you have to remember everything logically. Conversations don't come naturally, and it's very tiring and anxiety inducing (because no matter how hard you try, it never seems you've gotten it right) .

In short, you need to keep out of it at this point. You have no idea what's going on for either of them, certainly not the daughter (and you have no compassion for what she could be dealing with).

You could cause more damage than helping if you try to push your agenda here.

They can both claim benefits, including the health element of universal credit if neither can work.

You might want to suggest the daughter push for a diagnosis. It's going to be important if she claims benefits.

They can both separately claim universal credit but both will be expected to job search and take any job offered.

I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too.

Well of course some people can, but many of us, even late diagnosed, just can't. Or we have tried and tried and tried until our mental and physical health deteriorates, this sort of fitting in is part of masking.

I'm not saying that your friends DD is autistic BTW. There isn't enough information to go off.

I'm just trying to set the record straight that many autistic people can't work, or require a substantial amount of support to do so. Some may never work. Ever. Even if they can speak and read and write.

Not your circus, not your monkeys! Just put boundaries and support your if she needs it…

Im sure you mean well but you are getting too involved in your friends lives! Many people are in a similar position .Benefits are avaliable even if you dont agree with them! Dont lend any money .The friend DD hasnt "decided" shes autistic,she has probably always been this way

Don't know why you think the daughter should be supporting the mother, as she sounds like she's been horribly controlling and effectively ruined her daughter's life. But that aside, they have spent all their money and need to get a job, like the rest of us do when we need money.

Why can’t the mum work? Youve not mentioned any kind of disability for her? The mother cannot expect the daughter to work & support her whilst doing nothing herself? Both need to get jobs unless theres a reason why she cannot.

Say the daughter does go and finds work, then decides to move out, then what? Your friend needs to sort out her own financial security.

Why will they lose the house if the mortgage is paid off?

Sell, downsize and they both look for work.

Well they can both apply for universal credit while they look for work. It’s an easy way of easing them into working life as they’ll have a coach to help them keep applying for jobs and be accountable. Why don’t they work? If they own the house outright then they won’t even need to work full time to support themselves.

Some people have to wait until they hit rock bottom to do something about it. Sad because your friend could have been proactive but she's an adult and you can't make her do anything.

All you can do is be there when it all comes crashing down. Take care of yourself first though, don't let her drama impact your own wellbeing.

Yes they can both claim UC for themselves (as in seperate claims) but they'll be expected to look for work.

Tbh I'm not sure how typical it would be for a young person to not have any friends and never date? My eldest 2 are like this, but both are autistic and anxious. So I don't think it's out of the realms of possibilities the daughter may be ND. But she'll need to see her GP about getting assessed.

Your friend could consider downsizing I suppose but age 50, she's going to need to work in some capacity. I'm guessing she has very minimal pension, so she really needs to get it together. But like PP have said, direct her towards Citizens Advice etc. This sounds like an epic shitsshow that your friend and the daughter need to face up to themselves

Yet more healthy adults who expect others to pay their way. Getting a job will be good for the DD, she'll make friends, learn new skills, have a social life,,