To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

[Anita4PawsMomma]

I’d really like some advice. I’m not a regular on here, but someone suggested I post as they didn’t know what to say or how to help.

I’m really worried about my friend. She’s in her early 50s and lives with her daughter, who’s in her late 20s. Their relationship has always been quite unusual, they’re extremely close, almost too close really. Like totally enmeshed - but toxic at the same time. They do everything together, and her daughter’s never had proper friendships or a boyfriend because my friend gets too involved in her life (I’ve mentioned it over the years, but she just can’t seem to step back) but they also fight like cat & dog too and are in each others way.

Neither of them has ever worked or trained in anything. They live in a house that’s paid off from my friend’s divorce a few years ago, and she also got quite a large settlement, I’m not sure how much exactly, but it think in the hundreds of thousands (including detail for context of the issue).

The problem is, the money's ran out and her daughter refuses to work or contribute at all. Over the past year, I’ve really noticed my friend’s mental health getting worse as her money’s running out. I’ve tried to give advice, but I can be too black and white, and she sometimes takes that as being too harsh, so she tends to ignore me or blank me for a wile after.

Her daughter often lies to get out of things, and the latest is that she’s decided she’s autistic. I want to be really clear that I’m not dismissing genuine autism, but she’s self-diagnosed based on things she’s read online and seems to exaggerate a lot of it to avoid responsibility. And many people around know it's ridiculous as it goes against what everyone knows of her. Its as though she's pulled up a list of traits that severly autistic people exhibit and she's pushing that she has them all. If anyone questions it, she just says she’s always been “masking.” I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too. I've nearly been in heated arguments with the daughter before because of how this is impacting my friend.

Anyway, my friend’s now completely at a loss. The money’s almost gone, neither of them works, and they could end up losing their home. I honestly don’t know what to tell her anymore.

Can they apply for any benefits if they own their home outright? And has anyone been through anything similar with an adult child refusing to step up or take any responsibility? I don't know about taking out mortgages and if she can take money out of the property. But that still won't solve her problem with her daughter and the same dilemma will come back around again. Sorry for rambling but I don't know how to advice and I can see she's in a really bad place.

The fact the mother has created such an enmeshed relationship that the daughter is still fully tied into puts the possibly ASD in great favour. Adult DD has never had a boyfriend and limited interpersonal relationships because mummy keeps getting too involved and DD can’t say no to her because, again, enmeshed.

And you’re worried about… the mother? She created this. She fostered this too close relationship and creates problems any time the DD tries to break free. Sounds to me like the DD has known little else her entire life.

Dynamics like this are a bit like a cult. I certainly wouldn’t blame the DD for feeing reliant and scared to step out. Good for her for trying to understand her difficulties as best she can.

If you must get involved I would focus on your actual friend and how she created this mess and continues to stunt her child. She needs MH support yes, but it is not the DD’s fault. That’s always been the case.

They need to get jobs (your friend too, not just her daughter) or sell the house and down size. Or preferably both.

Some people just won't work or don't want to, and it becomes almost an ingrained way of life. They enjoyed being off work, have support possibly from benefits if necessary, and then it becomes their identity.

My DH has a friend who's a single mum, with an 18 year old daughter who became ill after Covid (possibly has ME). Which of course is a valid diagnosis, but the mum literally hasn't worked for 18 years and lived off benefits as she's in Somerset therefore she can't get work that will pay enough (! Of course..!)

It becomes dysfunctional, and I think it is absolutely poor role models for their children. Granted, if they have any health issues that affect work, like ME, those will be valid reasons not to work. But given that the single mum has no health problems that I know of, she is just setting a bit of a poor example to her daughter.

I probably sound like I am being a bit judgemental (I try not to be, but in some ways, it's hard not to). I just find it difficult to see how sometimes people actively choose poor lifestyles and it becomes entrenched in their way of being.

You just have to say nothing and don't get involved.

Perhaps your friend hasn’t set her daughter the best example by not working either? Surely they both need to find work? Your friend is in her 50s not her 70s!
I’d stay out of it all.

Woman who has never worked has a child. That child now an adult has also never worked.

This is the problem with society today.

How can you blame the daughter!

What role model has she had to demonstrate to her that working and having a career is a worthwhile pursuit in life?

This. I feel sorry for the daughter, sounds like her DM really failed her.

but adult children shouldn’t be expected to fix the lives of their parents. Your friend should encourage your DD to gain some independence and move out. Not expect her to „rescue“ her.

You sound interfering and judgemental. I'm sure you mean well, but this is not your problem to fix, and I would suggest that your interventions are less than helpful.

If you're worried about your friend's health, then signpost her towards her GP. If you are worried about her financial situation, signpost her towards Citizens Advice. But you need to recognise that she is an adult, presumably with capacity, and she needs to take responsibility for herself.

If you think she isn't capable of making basic decisions for herself, then flag it with adult social care.

Her autism is self-diagnosed.
Anyone can play at that game.
And plenty do.

Once savings are under 16K your friend can apply for UC, assuming her daughter has under 16K in savings, she can too.

Unless there is disability/illness that prevents/limits working, they'll need to fulfill criteria around seeking work, to get those benefits, if they don't meet the criteria set they will be sanctioned - ie, won't recieve benefit money for a set period.

I'd let your friend know the above and perhaps a link to start the ball rolling, and step back after that. Up to her if she seeks help, looks for work etc or continues to spiral helplessly into a mess.

She gets a job, they both have to.

<<I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too>>

Of course some of them CAN work but the vast majority do not - Estimates suggest that around 70% of autistic people are unemployed

Govt report here with some of the key findings below

e.1 Autistica estimates that around 1 in 70 people is autistic, so about 1 million people in the UK. In 2022/2023 (the latest available figures) the number of people of working age in the UK who reported autism as either a main or secondary long-term health condition was 680,000. Neurodiverse people do not consistently identify as having a long-term health condition therefore these numbers are likely to be an undercount of the true population. Not all working age autistic people will be able to work, but NAS’s research found that the vast majority want to.

e.2 Despite their wish to work, the latest official statistics show that only around 3 in 10 working age autistic disabled people are in employment, compared with around 5 in 10 for all disabled people and 8 in 10 for non-disabled people.
e.3 Autistic people face the largest pay gap of all disability groups, receiving a third less than non-disabled people on average. Autistic graduates are twice as likely to be unemployed after 15 months as non-disabled graduates, with only 36% finding full time work in this period. Autistic graduates are most likely to be overqualified for the job they have

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-buckland-review-of-autism-employment-report-and-recommendations/the-buckland-review-of-autism-employment-report-and-recommendations#executive-summary-and-recommendations

Yup. Not sure I have too much sympathy for either of them tbh.

Yes the daughter should have a job. I can’t imagine not working in my 20s for no good reason. Why does she not want her own money? How does she get by day to day?

Equally though, your friend also need to step up and get a job. She’s in her 50s. It’s not all on her daughter. It’s her house at the end of the day, she needs to work to keep it.

Well, yes, but they aren't going to get very far with a benefits claim in the absence of any medical evidence.

Self diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean that she is autistic, but equally, it doesn't necessarily mean that she isn't.

Most people who are assessed as adults probably self diagnose before they pursue a professional diagnosis. She may be on a waiting list for an assessment for all we know - in some areas, people have to wait years before they can be seen.

I’m a similar age to your friend and manage to work. Recently started new career as well.

Back off. If you continually jolly them along and sort things out your friend & her daughter are not having to take responsibility. It sounds like she had a very good divorce settlement and has fucked it up. That’s not your responsibility

Friend's adult daughter is not the source of the problem here, the friend is for not encouraging her daughter to become truly independent. The pair of them will have to work out for themselves how to fund the rest of their lives. Just stay out of it before you are asked for loans that will never be repaid. They can look online for advice on benefits, the same as everyone else.

Well the friend can go on benefits for poor mental health and the daughter can go on benefits for being autistic. Not good for them, not good for working tax payers but this is how life is these days!

If you've got a paid off house then a part time job even on NMW should get you most of the way to paying your essential bills. Both of them need to bring in some money or they'll soon end up wishing they had done. It will be a lot easier to find a way to support themselves now, than it will be once they've lost the house (hopefully it would not come to that, but it can happen).

If she's never worked and brought her daughter up with the same level of entitlement then I hope she does lose the house - actions have consequences. I'd just take a step back, they sound awful.

Why on earth would or should benefits ( = taxpayer) support this mess? They had hundreds of thousands of pounds which they've frittered away, and a fully paid off house. They both seem perfectly capable of working, so tell her to get off her backside and look for work.

They sound exactly like my neighbours. A strange mother and daughter relationship where they both have no other friends and do absolutely everything together. Also, neither works and neither ever has done. Annoys me greatly to see them swanning around while my partner and I are both working by 7am.

Tell your friend to go and find work. Has she even asked you for help? It isn't really clear by your post.

Truth is, a lot of autistic people can't and don't work.

And autistic or not there's clearly and awful lot going on here. The daughter obviously has some issues or she'd have distanced herself from her mother years ago.

Your friend in her early 50s should work if HER money's run out.

Parenting through modelling behaviour is by far the most effective way of parenting.

The DD may not be autistic, but i think it's safe to say her behaviour affected by her odd upbringing and relationship with her mother, which is going to take some serious work to undo.

Your still being too defensive of your friend. She is responsible for her own money situation.

Sounds like there both responsible for this 😕 your friend isn't that old she can work too

They are both adults. They need to take charge of their own lives and find solutions. I dont think you shoukd get involved.