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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

189 replies

Anita4PawsMomma · 08/12/2025 11:06

I’d really like some advice. I’m not a regular on here, but someone suggested I post as they didn’t know what to say or how to help.

I’m really worried about my friend. She’s in her early 50s and lives with her daughter, who’s in her late 20s. Their relationship has always been quite unusual, they’re extremely close, almost too close really. Like totally enmeshed - but toxic at the same time. They do everything together, and her daughter’s never had proper friendships or a boyfriend because my friend gets too involved in her life (I’ve mentioned it over the years, but she just can’t seem to step back) but they also fight like cat & dog too and are in each others way.

Neither of them has ever worked or trained in anything. They live in a house that’s paid off from my friend’s divorce a few years ago, and she also got quite a large settlement, I’m not sure how much exactly, but it think in the hundreds of thousands (including detail for context of the issue).

The problem is, the money's ran out and her daughter refuses to work or contribute at all. Over the past year, I’ve really noticed my friend’s mental health getting worse as her money’s running out. I’ve tried to give advice, but I can be too black and white, and she sometimes takes that as being too harsh, so she tends to ignore me or blank me for a wile after.

Her daughter often lies to get out of things, and the latest is that she’s decided she’s autistic. I want to be really clear that I’m not dismissing genuine autism, but she’s self-diagnosed based on things she’s read online and seems to exaggerate a lot of it to avoid responsibility. And many people around know it's ridiculous as it goes against what everyone knows of her. Its as though she's pulled up a list of traits that severly autistic people exhibit and she's pushing that she has them all. If anyone questions it, she just says she’s always been “masking.” I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too. I've nearly been in heated arguments with the daughter before because of how this is impacting my friend.

Anyway, my friend’s now completely at a loss. The money’s almost gone, neither of them works, and they could end up losing their home. I honestly don’t know what to tell her anymore.

Can they apply for any benefits if they own their home outright? And has anyone been through anything similar with an adult child refusing to step up or take any responsibility? I don't know about taking out mortgages and if she can take money out of the property. But that still won't solve her problem with her daughter and the same dilemma will come back around again. Sorry for rambling but I don't know how to advice and I can see she's in a really bad place.

OP posts:
Catsbooks345 · 08/12/2025 15:33

Yes definitely step back. Although she is your friend this has nothing to do with you. I can imagine it's difficult if she wants to talk about it all the time but after listening to the story and being a shoulder to cry on a couple of times id change the type of support I can offer to be more specific such as looking over a job application with her or helping her prep for interviews. I wouldn't be listening to the same old woes or stepping in in any way to make things better. This is a situation of her own making. It's been a long time coming. I'm not sure what she expects you or anyone else to do about it other than be positive about her re engaging with the working world and either helping her own daughter get work and contribute or speaking to daughter re how she intends to fund her life. If I was you I wouldn't engage with daughter at all on this topic. It's between them. Good luck, not that you'll need it because you're stepping back 😉

BackToLurk · 08/12/2025 15:34

While it's certainly true that many autistic people work that's often because they have parents who are putting in all sorts of scaffolding and support to get them in that position. You're friend's daughter doesn't have that, quite the reverse. Of course she may not be autistic at all, but it does appear that your friend has made her feel dependent and inadequate. I agree with PPs. The best thing your friend can do is model great behaviour, find some work and help her daughter become more independent.

ThatCyanCat · 08/12/2025 15:37

I don't know if I can entirely blame the daughter for this situation when she's doing the exact same thing as her mother... and it sounds as though her mother has had an active hand in clipping her wings.

Therealjudgejudy · 08/12/2025 15:42

These two lazy arses need to start adulting and get jobs!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/12/2025 15:43

All you can do is tell your friend that she needs to start looking for a job! Her daughter sounds to me to be the rod she's made for her own back. Sorry!

MrsVBS · 08/12/2025 15:44

I know you’re trying to be a good friend but it sounds like many years of an unhealthy relationship between the mother and daughter will take a lot more than you can give. The mum has let her daughter be like this and will now face the consequences, let them get on with it.

Cornishclio · 08/12/2025 15:49

They can both look for work and apply for benefits. Under no circumstances should they go into debt putting the house up as collateral. Re the suspected ASD there is no knowing whether the daughter is on the spectrum and masking is a thing so perfectly possible. It doesn’t stop her working though in the right job.

way2serious · 08/12/2025 15:53

Sadly it appears that your friend’s daughter is following her mother’s role model.

whymadam · 08/12/2025 15:54

I agree with other posters on here who say you must / should keep out of it. You've done what you can, now need to step away.

PolyVagalNerve · 08/12/2025 16:02

The pair of them sound utterly feckless
DO NOT rescue them

af what point are these two adult women going to learn to function otherwise ??

godmum56 · 08/12/2025 16:04

step away and stay out of it

Calliopespa · 08/12/2025 16:18

Agix · 08/12/2025 11:25

Being autistic but undiagnosed for many years takes its toll. I'm in work now but also under community mental health, psychodynamic therapy every week, agoraphobia, anorexic, and can't even work full time anymore.

You may not think the daughter is autistic, but honestly the way they're both living suggests otherwise. Not that it's a definite sign, of course, being autistic is a lot more than never working, not having friends or relationships, and staying at home with your mum... But it definitely suggests ND over NT on a first glance.

Masking is a thing, masking is pretending you're just the same as everyone when you're not. It's very difficult, you have to remember everything logically. Conversations don't come naturally, and it's very tiring and anxiety inducing (because no matter how hard you try, it never seems you've gotten it right) .

In short, you need to keep out of it at this point. You have no idea what's going on for either of them, certainly not the daughter (and you have no compassion for what she could be dealing with).

You could cause more damage than helping if you try to push your agenda here.

They can both claim benefits, including the health element of universal credit if neither can work.

You might want to suggest the daughter push for a diagnosis. It's going to be important if she claims benefits.

I was actually going to say something similar - and I am not normally someone who likes the approach of leaping to a diagnosis.

To me, however, unusually enmeshed situations don't just happen because one of them makes a decision to be like that and the other just goes along with it. If this DD was very typical, I just don't think things like friends and boyfriends wouldn't be a strong impulse in her that would surmount anything except really exorbitant pressure from her mum, bordering on a type of abuse. Did this girl attend school?

Looking from the mum's POV, I think it is just as - or more - likely that this style of relationship has evolved because at some level she recognised the DD needed a different type of support.

You are right that people on the spectrum can work (though not all; individuals are individuals) but then again so can many 50 year old women.

It seems they will need to work out how to bring in an income, BUTI would not be dismissing her claims about her DD out of hand. Tread carefully.

heartofsunshine · 08/12/2025 16:20

Your friend has created this situation and it is much worse for the daughter who has never had a relationship and has no life skills.

Donsyb · 08/12/2025 16:25

Anita4PawsMomma · 08/12/2025 14:01

Thanks for the replies. I get what your saying about it not really being the daughter’s fault, and I’ve always had strong opinions about the relationship as she was growing up. My frustration with the daughter is that she comes across as quite manipulative now she’s an adult. It makes me feel bad for my friend and the situation she’s in, even though I know she’s partly brought it on herself.

I know I get too involved, but it’s just because I see how it’s all gone and I honestly don’t know how it’ll end. I hate seeing her mental health go downhill. I think thats one of the reasons she hasnt got a job because shes struggling mentally and with motivation etc. Were a similar age, and I can’t imagine trying to start all over again now.

I’ve known her for decades and she’s never had a job since i've known her. When I said she might lose her house, I meant if she can’t keep up with the bills and starts building up debt, would they end up going after her home? Thanks again for the help. i’ll check with citizens advice and try to talk to her about it and try and back off too.

If she can’t pay her debts she will eventually be declared bankrupt. As there’s no mortgage on the house, unless she has secured debt against it I don’t think they can take it, but I’m not sure.

Theres little, if any, benefits they would be entitled to unless they can prove a disability? As neither have worked they aren’t entitled to much. They would get job seekers allowance possibly, but they have to actually prove they are looking for a job, and it’s only £70 per week, it’s also not indefinite. To be honest, they don’t deserve any benefits when they’re both too lazy to work.

You’ve tried talking to her and she won’t listen. There’s not much more you can do. They’re both at fault here.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 08/12/2025 16:30

ChangesAfoott · 08/12/2025 11:20

A large percentage of people with autism work so that shouldn't be an issue, it sounds as though they have both got in the habit of not working. They both need to find paid employment. Pronto.

80%of people with autism also don't work.

Donsyb · 08/12/2025 16:34

I checked on the entitled to website. Obviously not knowing their exact situation, looks like they may be entitled to UC and council tax contribution. For one adult it showed £500 per month, I don’t know if the second adult would get the same. To get any disability they would need a diagnosis.

Daygloboo · 08/12/2025 16:37

Anita4PawsMomma · 08/12/2025 11:06

I’d really like some advice. I’m not a regular on here, but someone suggested I post as they didn’t know what to say or how to help.

I’m really worried about my friend. She’s in her early 50s and lives with her daughter, who’s in her late 20s. Their relationship has always been quite unusual, they’re extremely close, almost too close really. Like totally enmeshed - but toxic at the same time. They do everything together, and her daughter’s never had proper friendships or a boyfriend because my friend gets too involved in her life (I’ve mentioned it over the years, but she just can’t seem to step back) but they also fight like cat & dog too and are in each others way.

Neither of them has ever worked or trained in anything. They live in a house that’s paid off from my friend’s divorce a few years ago, and she also got quite a large settlement, I’m not sure how much exactly, but it think in the hundreds of thousands (including detail for context of the issue).

The problem is, the money's ran out and her daughter refuses to work or contribute at all. Over the past year, I’ve really noticed my friend’s mental health getting worse as her money’s running out. I’ve tried to give advice, but I can be too black and white, and she sometimes takes that as being too harsh, so she tends to ignore me or blank me for a wile after.

Her daughter often lies to get out of things, and the latest is that she’s decided she’s autistic. I want to be really clear that I’m not dismissing genuine autism, but she’s self-diagnosed based on things she’s read online and seems to exaggerate a lot of it to avoid responsibility. And many people around know it's ridiculous as it goes against what everyone knows of her. Its as though she's pulled up a list of traits that severly autistic people exhibit and she's pushing that she has them all. If anyone questions it, she just says she’s always been “masking.” I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too. I've nearly been in heated arguments with the daughter before because of how this is impacting my friend.

Anyway, my friend’s now completely at a loss. The money’s almost gone, neither of them works, and they could end up losing their home. I honestly don’t know what to tell her anymore.

Can they apply for any benefits if they own their home outright? And has anyone been through anything similar with an adult child refusing to step up or take any responsibility? I don't know about taking out mortgages and if she can take money out of the property. But that still won't solve her problem with her daughter and the same dilemma will come back around again. Sorry for rambling but I don't know how to advice and I can see she's in a really bad place.

They might both be autistic. Maybe suggest they get counselling from a therapist specialising jn autism. It sounds like a rather sad situation. Perhaps you could gently suggest this to them.

Zov · 08/12/2025 16:39

You seem very involved in your friend's life @Anita4PawsMomma and her relationship with her daughter. You'd be better off staying out of it all. I wouldn't appreciate someone sticking their neb in my personal private business.

GAJLY · 08/12/2025 16:39

There is nothing you can do. Do not give her any money. Suggest local food banks to keep her going. I think she's got her head in the sand, but when her electricity gets switched off and she doesn't have money for groceries the penny will drop. She'll sign on and look for work, 50 is still young. She's set a terrible example to her daughter! They'll both need to get jobs!

FairKoala · 08/12/2025 16:44

Yes they both can get benefits but along with that they would need to show they were actively looking for work

Having autism doesn’t mean you can’t get a job or go out to work.

Really if this girl thinks she is on the spectrum then she needs to get a referral. It won’t stop her getting work though if that is what she thinks

Honestly your friend needs her own life and to push her dd to have her own life as well and stop being selfish.

I can somewhat empathise with the dd who probably has over the years tried to get friends and boyfriends and has realised that with her mother interfering it is a lost cause so has given up.

Ultimately your friend wanted the status quo so she has got exactly what she wanted. The problem is with no income the money was bound to run out and her constant interfering has led to a dd who has given up and given her mother exactly what she wanted.
Your friend can’t change the goalposts now she has what she wanted without a huge backlash

Nothungrycat · 08/12/2025 16:48

If she gets to the point where she can't pay bills such as power and council tax, then she will be declared bankrupt and if her house is her only asset, then - yes - it can be sold to pay off her creditors. So, she really does need to get her head out of the sand, and work out a plan. Organisations such as Citizens Advice Bureau will be helpful - so perhaps you should encourage her to go to talk to them as a first step?

SchrodingersKoala · 08/12/2025 16:48

I don't understand why they can't both work, even if they both had full-time minimum wage jobs they'd have a household income of just over 40k after tax, without a mortgage to pay which is most people's biggest outgoing they'd be fine, you could say comfortable with just 2 people. Many people with high paying jobs but a big mortgage and nursery fees will have a smaller disposable income than they'd have working min wage, no children and no mortgage.

I honestly don't see an issue, they just need to get up and go to work. Quite simple really, they don't need benefits they need jobs, people making sugestions on what they could claim are ridiculous, not wanting to work is not a reason not to work.

NettleTea · 08/12/2025 16:49

well they can both apply for universal credit, which may help keep the wolf from the door in the short term, but it will come with conditions - so they will both be expected to work and expected to demonstrate that they are actively looking and applying for work.

Universal credit wont be interested in whether the daughter now thinks she is autistic - any extra payments would need to be documented and verified. You cannot simply apply for PIP with no evidence, and you wont get the UC top up without PIP I dont believe any more.

So if its true then its likely that she is going to need a formal diagnosis. However an autism diagnosis isnt a guarantee of getting PIP, because as others have said, its not paid for having a condition, its to do with what outside help you need doing all sorts of things, from getting washed and dressed, to communication, to mobility, to understanding instructions and feeding yourself.

Many people with autism work. Many people with autism that was diagnosed later in life realise why they struggled with work without the support they needed. Some people with autism can only work part time. Some people with autism will be able to flourish in their field given the right support. Its not a one size fits all disability (we have a range of functioning levels in our family, many which have ebbed and flowed over time) Its impossible to know if she has or has not, but her first step should be to takle her suspicions to a professional.

So the short answer is yes, they can claim benefits, but its not going to be the easy ride that they seem to think it may be, and its not going to keep them for long in a lifestyle that they may have been accustomed to, if they have gone through alot of money in a relative short time period, compared to having budgeted and planned for their future.

They may both want to check out their pensions too, because without working or claiming benefits, they may not have many/any contributions and especially for mum, she hasnt too long to make the figures up.

zingally · 08/12/2025 16:55

I'd stay far, far away from this.

This sounds like an issue of their own making, that both mother and daughter knew was coming.
The mother at least must have realised, "If we keep spending at our current rate, the money is going to run out in 5 years... 2 years... 6 months..." If she didn't realise that... Well, she's stupid enough to deserve it.

Why can't your friend work? What excuse does she have for 30 years of sitting on her arse?

PotatoWafflerWrites · 08/12/2025 16:58

Agix · 08/12/2025 11:25

Being autistic but undiagnosed for many years takes its toll. I'm in work now but also under community mental health, psychodynamic therapy every week, agoraphobia, anorexic, and can't even work full time anymore.

You may not think the daughter is autistic, but honestly the way they're both living suggests otherwise. Not that it's a definite sign, of course, being autistic is a lot more than never working, not having friends or relationships, and staying at home with your mum... But it definitely suggests ND over NT on a first glance.

Masking is a thing, masking is pretending you're just the same as everyone when you're not. It's very difficult, you have to remember everything logically. Conversations don't come naturally, and it's very tiring and anxiety inducing (because no matter how hard you try, it never seems you've gotten it right) .

In short, you need to keep out of it at this point. You have no idea what's going on for either of them, certainly not the daughter (and you have no compassion for what she could be dealing with).

You could cause more damage than helping if you try to push your agenda here.

They can both claim benefits, including the health element of universal credit if neither can work.

You might want to suggest the daughter push for a diagnosis. It's going to be important if she claims benefits.

Couldn't agree with this comment more.

I think your friend really needs to take responsibility for herself and by labelling her daughter as manipulative or attention seeking, she and you are giving your friend another reason why she can shirk her own responsibilities. Stop focusing on the daughter and allow the friend to try and start addressing her situation without finding ways to blame her child for the way her life is turning out.