To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

[Anita4PawsMomma]

I’d really like some advice. I’m not a regular on here, but someone suggested I post as they didn’t know what to say or how to help.

I’m really worried about my friend. She’s in her early 50s and lives with her daughter, who’s in her late 20s. Their relationship has always been quite unusual, they’re extremely close, almost too close really. Like totally enmeshed - but toxic at the same time. They do everything together, and her daughter’s never had proper friendships or a boyfriend because my friend gets too involved in her life (I’ve mentioned it over the years, but she just can’t seem to step back) but they also fight like cat & dog too and are in each others way.

Neither of them has ever worked or trained in anything. They live in a house that’s paid off from my friend’s divorce a few years ago, and she also got quite a large settlement, I’m not sure how much exactly, but it think in the hundreds of thousands (including detail for context of the issue).

The problem is, the money's ran out and her daughter refuses to work or contribute at all. Over the past year, I’ve really noticed my friend’s mental health getting worse as her money’s running out. I’ve tried to give advice, but I can be too black and white, and she sometimes takes that as being too harsh, so she tends to ignore me or blank me for a wile after.

Her daughter often lies to get out of things, and the latest is that she’s decided she’s autistic. I want to be really clear that I’m not dismissing genuine autism, but she’s self-diagnosed based on things she’s read online and seems to exaggerate a lot of it to avoid responsibility. And many people around know it's ridiculous as it goes against what everyone knows of her. Its as though she's pulled up a list of traits that severly autistic people exhibit and she's pushing that she has them all. If anyone questions it, she just says she’s always been “masking.” I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too. I've nearly been in heated arguments with the daughter before because of how this is impacting my friend.

Anyway, my friend’s now completely at a loss. The money’s almost gone, neither of them works, and they could end up losing their home. I honestly don’t know what to tell her anymore.

Can they apply for any benefits if they own their home outright? And has anyone been through anything similar with an adult child refusing to step up or take any responsibility? I don't know about taking out mortgages and if she can take money out of the property. But that still won't solve her problem with her daughter and the same dilemma will come back around again. Sorry for rambling but I don't know how to advice and I can see she's in a really bad place.

Sell, downsize and they both look for work.

This.

But they have to do it for themselves, stay out of it.

The only benefits either of them will get if they are fit and healthy is job seekers allowance. That’s it. Contrary to the BS spouted all over MN, universal credit doesn’t just let people sit around doing nothing for money.

The daughter is about to learn what living in the real world is like and she’s not going to like it.

Its not your problem and nobody knows your friend on here or her daughter.

They won't get Job Seekers Allowance as they won't meet the National Insurance Contribution criteria if they haven't worked in the last 2/3 years,

If your friend and her daughter claim universal credit they may get offered work experience programs to help them towards employment.

She can look at a benefits calculator online (Entitled to is one). This will work out what she can claim.

Her daughter could work. She could work.

Regardless this isnt your circus...

If she is manipulative, you know where she learnt that. Theres a reason she cant make friends or be independent.. all these behaviours were taught to her by your friend.

And tbh the only one you can advise is your friend but id still keep out of it

A sugar daddy would solve this. 2 for the price of 1.

The mother needs to get a job she also needs to be very firm in the daughter gets a job and pays rent or she moves out and the mum can get a lodger in her room.

Neither will get UC if they cannot be bothered to look for work unless they have a genuine recognised disability. She’s not retirement age so will expected to work.

Yes if she can’t pay bills the companies can come after the house.

I didn't read OPs post as a suggestion that the daughter should be somehow responsible for her mother, more that she should be responsible for herself after a life of freeloading.

If the daughter has never worked, she's presumably living in her mother's house for free, not contributing to household bills or food and living off her mother's settlement money. She absolutely needs to step up and contribute.

Save your sympathy. She raised and wanted a daughter that’s completely dependent on her. This is what she has.

Your friend might have mental health issues that have never been addressed, sounds like she never really taught the daughter how to be self sufficient that’s not the daughters fault that’s the mothers fault. I had an uncle that lived off benefits since the 70’s really he has Asperger’s but mental health issues but he is very clever & manipulative. If he had had input in his 30’s he could have lived a productive life. Still managed to inherit a house & money which he is turning into a hovel ( hoarder)any help he is given there is an element of entitlement. The mother needs to evict her from the house only then will she be forced to get a job.

What planet do these people live on?

Thinking they can survive indefinitely on a payout without even bothering to plan for the future

You said hundreds of thousands?! Where did it go?

They need to attend their local job centre so they can make a claim for universal credit.

They could also consider selling the house and down sizing.

you ought to step back because they don’t want to hear what you have to say by the sounds of it!

I hope she had the sense to pay the mortgage off with her lump sum!

Stay out of it and don’t give them money. They can both work. Plenty of autistic adults can work so from what you’ve said this shouldn’t be a barrier. If it is then she can see support. But your friend can get a job at least.

I’m not sure why she’s so worried about something that’s completely in her control.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

You seem overinvolved. It sounds like you've given lots of advice and it's fallen on deaf ears. So be it. Is there something preventing your friend from being proactive and looking up information about benefits or calling citizen's advice?

If she's not working and she has less than £16,000 in savings/investments, then your friend - and her daughter - will be eligible for Universal Credit. However, they will be expected to look for work, unless they have a health condition that limits/prevents them from working.

https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit/eligibility

Stay out of it OP, it's not your business and you shouldn't take sides, especially as they have created this sad situation between them. If they both seriously ask you for practical suggestions, then you might be able to help.

Yes they can apply for uc but they will both be expected to job search for 35 hours a week and their job search will send them on courses, to do work experience etc if not successful after a few weeks,

I really, really hope that they can't claim any benefits! I'm not usually one to jump on the anti-benefit bandwagon but it would be a fucking disgrace if this pair have idled around, pissing their money up the wall for and then moved onto tax payers money.

You say this is 'partially' your friend's fault. I'd say this is almost entirely your friend's fault. She's been beyond irresponsible and set her daughter a terrible example. Your friend needs to get her act in gear and get a job. I can't imagine her daughter is going to get a job whilst her mother is scrounging off the tax payers because she's never been taught otherwise.

Give a Man a Fish, and You Feed Him for a Day. Teach a Man To Fish, and You Feed Him for a Lifetime
Do not enable, just guide them. CBA for example

Sounds like your friend is reaping the consequences of not giving her daughter the tools to live an independent life.

She created this daughter. It's her fault she has ended up this way. She wanted her to be dependent on her, and it worked. They will have to downsize or get a job and that's it really. They have been lucky with money.

Also early 50s is not that old. She is going to have to get a part time job in a shop or something.

people say she has pissed the money up the wall, but we dont know the whole scenario, nor the full amount, nor how long ago the settlement came through.

It sounds as if its a clean break settlement, which may mean the mum recieved no child maintanance from the dad. It sounds as if she may not function well, and if she cant, she cant teach the daughter how to. If daughter IS autistic, she may have needed alot of support through school - OP doesnt say if she went to college/ FE or if sahe walked out at 14. And ASD is often hereditary - so mum may well have it too, hence not being as able to have worked this all out a long time ago and set the example everyone here thinks she should have done.

OP says hundreds of thousands, but daughter is late 20s, so even if it was £400K, thats only £20K a year for both of them to live on, if the divorce was when the daughter was, maybe 7-8. Because Im assuming that she isnt financially savvy so didnt have any advice about what to do with the money. If it was 25 years ago then only £16k.

OP doesnt say theyve been living the highlife, fancy cars, lavish holidays, designer clothes - and it seems they've never claimed anything before now - it is possible that they thought that it would all be OK. She may not even have known about things like 25% discount on council tax, etc. Hopefully she was getting child benefit, as that at least would have paid her NI for her pension.

But even so, its not OPs problem to sort out, and although scary, the job centre will help. Allowing both of them to get into the world may prove to be the best thing for them, and hopefully they will get some support.

I was thinking the same about both of them maybe being on the spectrum. Doesn’t excuse manipulative behaviour (or does it, I don’t know much about autism) but if neither have received support and are left to their own devices with a ton of cash, it can’t end well if neither of them have life skills.

I think the OP said the divorce was a few years ago and the daughter is in her late 20s. So maybe they had support before the divorce from the dad, and didn’t recognise they needed extra help until left to their own devices.

Makes me wonder if cash help through the form of benefits is useful to anyone with autism, if they aren’t able to manage that money. They need help in other ways instead. Free life skills support, extra needs higher education, employability skills etc. housing with support, but not just cash (if that’s how the system works?)

Makes me wonder if cash help through the form of benefits is useful to anyone with autism, if they aren’t able to manage that money. They need help in other ways instead. Free life skills support, extra needs higher education, employability skills etc. housing with support, but not just cash (if that’s how the system works?)

it is certainly helpful to some people with autism. And many people with autism are able to manage money. Autism is a spectrum so there will be a big difference between different people’s abilities, needs etc.

but yes, cash help (especially if not accompanied with the necessary non-financial support) to people that are unable to manage money is potentially problematic.