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Original poster

To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

189 replies

Anita4PawsMomma · 08/12/2025 11:06

I’d really like some advice. I’m not a regular on here, but someone suggested I post as they didn’t know what to say or how to help.

I’m really worried about my friend. She’s in her early 50s and lives with her daughter, who’s in her late 20s. Their relationship has always been quite unusual, they’re extremely close, almost too close really. Like totally enmeshed - but toxic at the same time. They do everything together, and her daughter’s never had proper friendships or a boyfriend because my friend gets too involved in her life (I’ve mentioned it over the years, but she just can’t seem to step back) but they also fight like cat & dog too and are in each others way.

Neither of them has ever worked or trained in anything. They live in a house that’s paid off from my friend’s divorce a few years ago, and she also got quite a large settlement, I’m not sure how much exactly, but it think in the hundreds of thousands (including detail for context of the issue).

The problem is, the money's ran out and her daughter refuses to work or contribute at all. Over the past year, I’ve really noticed my friend’s mental health getting worse as her money’s running out. I’ve tried to give advice, but I can be too black and white, and she sometimes takes that as being too harsh, so she tends to ignore me or blank me for a wile after.

Her daughter often lies to get out of things, and the latest is that she’s decided she’s autistic. I want to be really clear that I’m not dismissing genuine autism, but she’s self-diagnosed based on things she’s read online and seems to exaggerate a lot of it to avoid responsibility. And many people around know it's ridiculous as it goes against what everyone knows of her. Its as though she's pulled up a list of traits that severly autistic people exhibit and she's pushing that she has them all. If anyone questions it, she just says she’s always been “masking.” I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too. I've nearly been in heated arguments with the daughter before because of how this is impacting my friend.

Anyway, my friend’s now completely at a loss. The money’s almost gone, neither of them works, and they could end up losing their home. I honestly don’t know what to tell her anymore.

Can they apply for any benefits if they own their home outright? And has anyone been through anything similar with an adult child refusing to step up or take any responsibility? I don't know about taking out mortgages and if she can take money out of the property. But that still won't solve her problem with her daughter and the same dilemma will come back around again. Sorry for rambling but I don't know how to advice and I can see she's in a really bad place.

OP posts:
Iocanepowder · 08/12/2025 12:28

Matronic6 · 08/12/2025 11:16

This situation is not your responsibility, it's your friends. I wouldn't get involved at all.

I do disagree with your perception of the situation. No one should ever be expected to financially support their parents. Your friend has made some very poor life and parenting choices. These are the consequences of her choices. Of course a person in their 20's should be working but why wouldn't a woman in her early 50's not work? She could have another 30/40 years it is not reasonable to expect her child to support her for that length of time.

They both need to be the grown adults they are and start taking care of themselves. So let them get on with that and have no part in it.

100% agree.

Op it sounds like your friend hasn’t been the best parent in terms of supporting or encouraging her DD to get work experience or further training.

Also what did your friend think was going to happen when the money ran out?

I honestly don’t think i could be friends with someone who lived like that. Just don’t get involved.

AmberSpy · 08/12/2025 12:30

Sounds like your friend is reaping what she showed tbh. If she's never modelled the value of work to her daughter, she can't really be surprised that her daughter is refusing to do it herself. If she's been overbearing and enmeshed in her daughter's life, she shouldn't be surprised that her daughter doesn't seem independent or motivated to do anything by or for herself.

Anyway you're best off staying out of it, and whatever you do, don't start offering financial support. They need to find their own way forward.

EINSEINSNULL · 08/12/2025 12:30

It really isn't your issue to fix, however surely they both need to get themselves jobs?

Iocanepowder · 08/12/2025 12:32

Also i’m not sure any of would like our tax to be spent on benefits for this lazy family either.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/12/2025 12:41

Did your friend ever go out to work? Is she well enough to look for work? The mother/daughter relationship sounds unhealthy for both of them and they seem to have cut themselves off from the outside world which is why the idea of having to find work is so difficult for them to imagine.

They do need to apply for benefits but they will both be required to actively look for work and I would imagine that they would each have a job coach and will need to apply for a minimum number of jobs per week. It will be quite a culture shock for them.

Lurker85 · 08/12/2025 12:52

I don’t see how this is the daughter’s responsibility, your friend has reaped what she’s sown Im afraid. She doesn’t work so hasn’t taught her daughter any work ethic or been a good role model but yet now expects her to get a job and pay for her now she’s ran out of the last persons money she was spending? She was happy for her daughter to do nothing like her until the money ran out. I feel very sorry for her daughter, her mom has failed her.

gamerchick · 08/12/2025 12:57

Your friends chickens have come home to roost OP.

Your friend needs to get a job and let her kid go and find a life for herself.

CinnamonBuns67 · 08/12/2025 13:02

They both need to work. It isn't your friends daughters job to financially support her mum and it is no longer your friends job to financially support her daughter. Both of them have so far been unwilling to support themselves at all. They can claim UC in the meantime but it won't be alot and they will expect them both to look for work unless theres a very good reason why they can't.

SilverPink · 08/12/2025 13:03

Matronic6 · 08/12/2025 11:16

This situation is not your responsibility, it's your friends. I wouldn't get involved at all.

I do disagree with your perception of the situation. No one should ever be expected to financially support their parents. Your friend has made some very poor life and parenting choices. These are the consequences of her choices. Of course a person in their 20's should be working but why wouldn't a woman in her early 50's not work? She could have another 30/40 years it is not reasonable to expect her child to support her for that length of time.

They both need to be the grown adults they are and start taking care of themselves. So let them get on with that and have no part in it.

This exactly

They both sound like a pair of completely lazy fuckers if neither of them have ever worked. And now they’ve spent hundreds of thousands, and are expecting the tax payer to step up?

Celestialmoods · 08/12/2025 13:08

Why can’t your friend work? Why is it all on the daughter?

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/12/2025 13:08

I think you’re getting unnecessarily over invested in both of their lives. I’m sure once the savings they have have completely run out and they’re looking into an empty fridge and the utilities being switched off, they’ll work out that they need to sort themselves out and either apply for work or claim benefits and be encouraged into employment via their work coach that way.

Thundertoast · 08/12/2025 13:18

Why cant your friend work?
What was her plan for when the money ran out?

Blump2783 · 08/12/2025 13:23

Well they won't lose their home if it is paid off. Obviously she might decide to sell it for money but that won't be losing her home, that will be her choice.
Given what you have said I assume they have a decent sized home so she can rent a room or two out if she is that desperate. Also, you don't mention your friend getting a job, just the daughter.
They will probably get some benefits if they have no money but it won't be much.

MeganM3 · 08/12/2025 13:26

Friend should have planned better. Including encouraging her DD to work after she left education - by doing the exact same thing. Children see their parents life and often copy. Setting a good example would have benefitted both of them.
It isn’t the daughters job to support her mother, and it isn’t mothers job to financially support an adult daughter. They both need to work.
There might be some small amount of benefits available, but it won’t be forever or sustainable.
Friend should consider her pension contribution, she won’t be entitled to her pension pot in a few years unless she gets cracking pronto.

ThisLittlePony · 08/12/2025 13:27

OhDonuts · 08/12/2025 11:16

They both need to look for work - they are both responsible. But if anyone is more responsible for the other it’s your friend, not the daughter! If your friend looks for work and is a good role model maybe her daughter will do the same. The daughter definitely shouldn’t be financially responsible for her mother though.

Edited

This. Your friends in her 50s, why isn’t it her responsibility to get a job?
the dd is probably just following what she knows re not wanting to work and having others fund her life.

Gassylady · 08/12/2025 13:28

I have said you are being unreasonable because it is a problem for both of them. Not sure how long ago the divorce was but hundreds of thousands is a lot of money to burn through. What does your friend have to show for that settlement?
Nothing to stop them both looking for work and quite frankly doing some adulting.
I think your friend needs to sit down and make a list of what she has been spending on essential outgoings utilities, council tax, food bills, phone, insurance for the big house etc. Then a list of fripperies such as subscriptions, holidays, new clothes etc
Sadly a big house means big running costs. There will be advice on the .gov website on benefit entitlements but really they both need to look reality square in the face and look to finding some paid work.

Gassylady · 08/12/2025 13:36

Too late to edit I misremembered your post as “large house” rather than “large settlement” but principles apply they need to find paid work. Not sure why the state should support them when she has burnt through a very larger sum of money in a few years.

TempestTost · 08/12/2025 13:38

They do both need to work. No way the state should support them imo, unless there is extra info about the mum you haven't mentioned.

The daughters claim to being autistic doesn't matter, lots of autistic people work and since she's never tried she can hardly claim that she can't.

If the daughter refuses the mum should kick her out though I'd not imagine she would.

You really can't do anything though OP.

blossomtree323 · 08/12/2025 13:51

I know someone in a similar situation OP. It's hard not to get involved but they may really have to hit rock bottom before they have no choice but to do something about their situation.

Cadenza12 · 08/12/2025 13:55

They both need to get out to work. The mother should set an example for her daughter to follow.

ample290 · 08/12/2025 13:55

ChangesAfoott · 08/12/2025 11:20

A large percentage of people with autism work so that shouldn't be an issue, it sounds as though they have both got in the habit of not working. They both need to find paid employment. Pronto.

This just isn't true, only 30 - 35% of autistic people are in employment in the UK and only 15 - 16% are in full time employment. Around 77% of those that are unemployed want to work though.

I think your best option is to stay out of it OP, I don't think they're going to be interested in anything you have to say anyway.

Franjipanl8r · 08/12/2025 13:55

Your friend has made some incredibly stupid financial and parenting decisions and now she’s paying the price. Stay out of it, there’s no simple fix to this.

Maddy70 · 08/12/2025 14:00

I would stay out of it

Original poster
Anita4PawsMomma · 08/12/2025 14:01

Thanks for the replies. I get what your saying about it not really being the daughter’s fault, and I’ve always had strong opinions about the relationship as she was growing up. My frustration with the daughter is that she comes across as quite manipulative now she’s an adult. It makes me feel bad for my friend and the situation she’s in, even though I know she’s partly brought it on herself.

I know I get too involved, but it’s just because I see how it’s all gone and I honestly don’t know how it’ll end. I hate seeing her mental health go downhill. I think thats one of the reasons she hasnt got a job because shes struggling mentally and with motivation etc. Were a similar age, and I can’t imagine trying to start all over again now.

I’ve known her for decades and she’s never had a job since i've known her. When I said she might lose her house, I meant if she can’t keep up with the bills and starts building up debt, would they end up going after her home? Thanks again for the help. i’ll check with citizens advice and try to talk to her about it and try and back off too.

OP posts:
parakeet · 08/12/2025 14:01

Best thing you could do to help your friend is suggest she gets a volunteering role in a local charity shop, so she gets retail experience. Which might help her apply for a paying job one day.