To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

[Anita4PawsMomma]

I’d really like some advice. I’m not a regular on here, but someone suggested I post as they didn’t know what to say or how to help.

I’m really worried about my friend. She’s in her early 50s and lives with her daughter, who’s in her late 20s. Their relationship has always been quite unusual, they’re extremely close, almost too close really. Like totally enmeshed - but toxic at the same time. They do everything together, and her daughter’s never had proper friendships or a boyfriend because my friend gets too involved in her life (I’ve mentioned it over the years, but she just can’t seem to step back) but they also fight like cat & dog too and are in each others way.

Neither of them has ever worked or trained in anything. They live in a house that’s paid off from my friend’s divorce a few years ago, and she also got quite a large settlement, I’m not sure how much exactly, but it think in the hundreds of thousands (including detail for context of the issue).

The problem is, the money's ran out and her daughter refuses to work or contribute at all. Over the past year, I’ve really noticed my friend’s mental health getting worse as her money’s running out. I’ve tried to give advice, but I can be too black and white, and she sometimes takes that as being too harsh, so she tends to ignore me or blank me for a wile after.

Her daughter often lies to get out of things, and the latest is that she’s decided she’s autistic. I want to be really clear that I’m not dismissing genuine autism, but she’s self-diagnosed based on things she’s read online and seems to exaggerate a lot of it to avoid responsibility. And many people around know it's ridiculous as it goes against what everyone knows of her. Its as though she's pulled up a list of traits that severly autistic people exhibit and she's pushing that she has them all. If anyone questions it, she just says she’s always been “masking.” I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too. I've nearly been in heated arguments with the daughter before because of how this is impacting my friend.

Anyway, my friend’s now completely at a loss. The money’s almost gone, neither of them works, and they could end up losing their home. I honestly don’t know what to tell her anymore.

Can they apply for any benefits if they own their home outright? And has anyone been through anything similar with an adult child refusing to step up or take any responsibility? I don't know about taking out mortgages and if she can take money out of the property. But that still won't solve her problem with her daughter and the same dilemma will come back around again. Sorry for rambling but I don't know how to advice and I can see she's in a really bad place.

The daughter needs to become self supporting. She does not need to take responsibility for her mother. An average woman in her 50s should be perfectly capable of earning a living.

You can’t know if the daughter has ASD or not. My family was shocked I was autistic even though it seemed glaringly obvious to me. I mask well and I am extremely successful in my career, so people just view me as odd, not actually ASD.

the online screeners like the raads-r have been evaluated and peer reviewed. The results are highly correlated with the results from the formal screening process. People aren’t just reading things online and deciding they are autistic. They are using respected screening tests. Those tests are not sufficient for gaining formal services, but they are the first step for most teens and adults who pursue a formal diagnosis, which is shockingly difficult to do. If you are older and remotely integrated in neurotypical society there is often pushback at every stage of the process.

Your friend is in her 50s and never worked or done anything really. Is it any wonder her daughter turned out the same way? They’re both adults and both need to take responsibility for this steaming pile of shit they’ve created of their lives.

@Anita4PawsMomma so your friends never worked and is now looking for the state to pay for her big home and living expenses?
why hasn’t she ever thought this is her own responsibility?

2/3 don’t work

Stay out of it op, your friend lived off her ex husband now plans to leech off her daughter. Its a shit show waiting to happen. She can work if shes that worried- that would be my reply to her and shut it down every single time.

OP do not get involved. By the sounds of things both your friend and her daughter need to go out to work. They also need to consider down sizing. Your friend needs to be financially independent and not dependent oh her daughter.

It's not your business, I'd stay out of it they are waiting for someone else to come in and save them by making it someone else's problem. The only way that this will get solved is by leaving them to sort it out amongst themselves.

That's not true. It's around 30 per cent. Autistic people find it very hard to get and keep jobs.

The Buckland Review of Autism Employment: report and recommendations - GOV.UK share.google/J3gKHIgqfuD9x1sVW

I think you're being very unreasonable to lay this at her adult daughter's door as a problem to solve.

From what you've written, you dislike her daughter- perhaps for very good reason- but if you take her out of the equation altogether, your friend has also got herself into this situation.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but she could have invested the divorce settlement or got a job sooner to help it last longer and build up some experience and skills to make her more employable now. She could have asked her daughter to contribute to rent and bills.

It sounds like a very sad situation where they're enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship and your friend is struggling with her mental health- honestly it sounds like the daughter might be too. You having strong feelings about it being the daughters responsibility to step up isn't likely to be helpful to either of them I'm afraid.

There might be some charities that will help them manage money and make a budget- I don't know if places like Step Change are worth looking at or whether they only support once people are already in debt.

It sounds like there will be big changes ahead for them both and that's likely to be painful so all you can do is offer a reasonable amount of sympathy and maybe some practical suggestions around going to the job centre, CAB, other services. I agree with PP, it sounds like it has the potential to get very messy so I'd keep boundaries in place

I do know a woman who is late 50s who's had to start working again after more than 30 years of being at home. Similar situation, in the house paid off via divorce and she then lived off an inheritance. It's all gone, so she claimed UC and got a retail job. It's been a tough wake up call, but it was all entirely predictable and she's just used to things working out in her favour.

Your friend would presumably be able to sell her house and buy something smaller/cheaper area. She'd be foolish to try and take some kind of equity release loan, but I have a feeling she'll do that rather than get a job and live within her means 😬
But definitely maintain a healthy distance from her financial struggles and just encourage her to contact charities that can advise.

You can't help them and why would you want to? They are lazy and the daughter is a liar.

They both need a job, a healthier relationship between them and you need to stay away from it, because at some point it may be your fault OP.

You're joining in with a toxic drama triangle and it's very unhealthy. Back off.

I know it can be hard to watch people screw their lives up, but this really is a case where you have to let them get on with it. You can't 'fix' it and unless you are asked for an opinion you shouldn't offer one. Particularly if your approach has resulted in offense being taken in the past.

Not your circus, not your monkeys as a pp said. Stay out of it and let them crack on with their own affairs, no matter if the solutions seem obvious to you from the outside.

1/3 of ASD people work.

They both sound ASD to me.

it sounds like your ‘friend’ has made you feel like you need to care for her in some way and you seem to get something from that.

is being involved in this enabling them? Giving her sympathy? She really should be getting some kind of job and sorting this out herself op rather than you

I totally agree, but neither should the mother be responsible for keeping her daughter

For her own sake, the daughter needs to work - some day she'll be on her own with no one there to support her.

I've had a HCP tell me that I'm probably on the spectrum - high-functioning autistic with ADHD. That does make a lot of sense: I was diagnosed with OCD in my 30s and younger family members have diagnoses of Asperger's (as it then was) and also ADHD. Looking back, we clearly had older family members - great-uncles - who were on the spectrum but high-functioning. So far as I'm concerned - yes, I do have some of the traits of both conditions.

I had to learn to fake eye contact - one of the things that the daughter might be talking about if she's referring to 'masking', @Anita4PawsMomma .

If the daughter is spending a lot of time online, she'll have seen the many groups for ND people out there. The problem is that a lot of those - particularly for young people - push the narrative that family members should be supporting young people all the time and that the young people absolutely cannot be expected to earn a living and that it's cruel, etc.

It's only when old farts my age (65) join the conversation that anyone points out that parents don't live forever and they're going to have to support themselves eventually.

I can only speak for myself, but I found many aspects of life easier when I had the structure of a job. (I quit work unwillingly when I was 58 - my husband had had a stroke 5 yrs previously. When I say 'unwillingly', I mean that it was my choice, given my late husband's health and care needs, but giving up my work was a real wrench and a financial worry.)

Whether or not the daughter is genuinely on the spectrum is a bit of a red herring. (The same as my situation.) Whether or not someone's personality traits are a result of neurodivergence is only relevant in that it can help you to make sense of yourself. The bottom line is that you have to deal with the hand that you have - and if you're capable of reading up on it and communicating that you believe that you're on the spectrum, then you're certainly high-functioning and capable of making your way in the world - even if it is a bit more difficult. There's really no other option.

The OP is obviously concerned, but she'll just have to let her friend and daughter muddle on. (Yes, it might well be that mother and daughter are both ND.)

This!! No reason why BOTH of them shouldn't be working.

They both need jobs

They both need jobs.

I'd stay out of it though.

There was a similar situation with the ex of a relative through marriage.

The ex got a large settlement post-divorce and never worked. She'd stopped working as soon as she got married. She was about 60 when the relative through marriage died unexpectedly.

She expected support to continue ad infinitum and went to court to claim his pension and half the house he'd lived in. She didn't get it. The house had been paid for in its entirety by his partner - and she had the paperwork to prove it. The pension went to his child.

Her house had been paid off in the settlement, so I presume that she's living there and living off the state pension and pension credit.

‘No one should ever be expected to financially support their parents.’

While I would totally agree with this statement usually, I think this situation is a bit different & unusual. The DD doesn’t seem to have ever supported herself, so I think she needs to step up now & supoort herself & help out her mum. As the house is owned outright DD has no housing costs so if she worked FT she would be able to pay ay least half of the bills.

They need to claim benefits & see what help that gives them while they both look for work. Im her late 50s with little work history the friend will struggle. They will both have to take any job they can get. It’s unrealistic that they thought they could live off the divorce settlement indefinitely with no plans for the future.

They both need to get a job. Nothing here for the taxpayer to get involved in.

as others have said stay out of it

your friend has let her daughter down by not parenting her and this is the consequences she has to now deal with

I hate seeing her mental health go downhill. I think thats one of the reasons she hasnt got a job because shes struggling mentally and with motivation etc. Were a similar age, and I can’t imagine trying to start all over again now.

Her mental health is going downhill and that's why she can't get a job?
And yet....

I’ve known her for decades and she’s never had a job since i've known her.

She needs to get a job and so does her daughter and you should stay out of it.