To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

[Anita4PawsMomma]

I’d really like some advice. I’m not a regular on here, but someone suggested I post as they didn’t know what to say or how to help.

I’m really worried about my friend. She’s in her early 50s and lives with her daughter, who’s in her late 20s. Their relationship has always been quite unusual, they’re extremely close, almost too close really. Like totally enmeshed - but toxic at the same time. They do everything together, and her daughter’s never had proper friendships or a boyfriend because my friend gets too involved in her life (I’ve mentioned it over the years, but she just can’t seem to step back) but they also fight like cat & dog too and are in each others way.

Neither of them has ever worked or trained in anything. They live in a house that’s paid off from my friend’s divorce a few years ago, and she also got quite a large settlement, I’m not sure how much exactly, but it think in the hundreds of thousands (including detail for context of the issue).

The problem is, the money's ran out and her daughter refuses to work or contribute at all. Over the past year, I’ve really noticed my friend’s mental health getting worse as her money’s running out. I’ve tried to give advice, but I can be too black and white, and she sometimes takes that as being too harsh, so she tends to ignore me or blank me for a wile after.

Her daughter often lies to get out of things, and the latest is that she’s decided she’s autistic. I want to be really clear that I’m not dismissing genuine autism, but she’s self-diagnosed based on things she’s read online and seems to exaggerate a lot of it to avoid responsibility. And many people around know it's ridiculous as it goes against what everyone knows of her. Its as though she's pulled up a list of traits that severly autistic people exhibit and she's pushing that she has them all. If anyone questions it, she just says she’s always been “masking.” I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too. I've nearly been in heated arguments with the daughter before because of how this is impacting my friend.

Anyway, my friend’s now completely at a loss. The money’s almost gone, neither of them works, and they could end up losing their home. I honestly don’t know what to tell her anymore.

Can they apply for any benefits if they own their home outright? And has anyone been through anything similar with an adult child refusing to step up or take any responsibility? I don't know about taking out mortgages and if she can take money out of the property. But that still won't solve her problem with her daughter and the same dilemma will come back around again. Sorry for rambling but I don't know how to advice and I can see she's in a really bad place.

Your friend has really let her daughter down by ensuring that she doesn't have friends, boyfriends, a work ethic and career plans.

She may have found herself in this situation as a result of depression following her marriage breakdown or it may be the result of some undiagnosed condition. The daughter may or may not have autism. Certainly she needed better support growing up.

If you have tried to make recommendations to your friend before about her unhealthy relationship with her DD and been shut down I can't imagine you would get a better reception now.

I wonder why you consider yourselves to be friends?

Does the daughter have any contact with her father?

Do you think either of them are in so poor a state to warrant a SS report? Are they taking care of their diet and hygiene and living conditions? Or is it "just" all case of worrying about their money running out.

I think CAB recommendation is a good steer. It may be that there are some benefits they can claim. Or some training courses they could access which would improve their job prospects. The 20something is not responsible for financially supporting her mother. Someone in their 50s is quite capable of working to support themselves and should be doing so.

If they don't take any steps to sort this out, then yes ultimately they would default on bills, and creditors would seek to recover their debts from their assets - which seem to be the house.

Your friend would do better to get ahead of this and look to downsize to a cheaper place. But ultimately she can't expect to be supported first by her (ex) husband and then by her daughter without bothering to try and support herself. 50s is not too old to "start again", particularly when you've hardly been bothered to start at all in the past.

Thankyou for the replies. I can’t answer everything but to cover a few points the house they live in isnt very big, so getting something smaller probably wouldnt be easy.

As for the dad/ex-husband, the daughter is still in touch with him as far as I know. From my contact with him he seems like a really good man and stuck around in the marriage until the daughter was in her 20s. I won’t say too much, but if Im honest my friend didnt treat him that well and she knows that too. And I don’t know how much the daughter is sharing with the dad about their current situation. Maybe he could help. But I don’t know how or what he could do or say as they are thick as thieves.

I think Im going to find and share some links with her and offer to take her to any appointments as recommended thank you. And I will try to back off. Just hard to see. And frustrating to not get the daughter to be able to see the reality.

I think they could both apply for temping jobs or something like that. I would if I was in that position as like has been mentioned already if they just got low level jobs on the minimal wage then that should cover there costs and they could carry on where they are. And it would help them both with their mental health.

Surely it’s frustrating too tgat your DF can’t see the reality of her situation either?

Exactly this. It sounds like it’s your friend who’s pulling you into their drama, not the daughter.

Still, I can understand feeling frustrated with the daughter if you’ve seen signs of lying or manipulation. To be fair, the mum has provided her with a home all these years, even if that’s been funded by someone else. It’s her timeline and her life choices, but it’s also fair to expect some contribution to help keep things going.

They both absolutely need to get a job. Should have years ago by the sounds of it. Or they absolutely need help and resources to each find the right work for their disabilities and to help them live each live independently.

you must separate yourself from it though as they need to hit their rock bottom and find themselves while building back up.

You are way too invested in this. Not your circus and not your monkeys.

It sounds like a very toxic dynamic that I wouldn’t get involved in.

It sounds like a slow car crash that your friend hasn’t been particularly receptive to changing.

You can’t help people who won’t help themselves. The more you get involved, the more you will be expected to help or be blamed for delivering a truth that they aren’t willing to hear.

My sympathy is with your friend's DD here tbh. Adult children are not financially responsible for their parents beyond paying their way if they live at home, and it sounds like your friend has brought her DD up to be useless, dependent, anxious and unhappy.

She's had a life so far, been married, had a child etc. But where is her DD's life? It's a sad way for a young person to be living.

Your friend is the responsible one. She should have got a job years ago. As it is she has been a shitty role model to her daughter. From what you write, I think she has also been abusive towards her daughter. She has the entitlement to expect to live off a divorce settlement and then purposely sabotaged all her daughters efforts to develop friendships or relationships or opportunities to leave home as an independent adult because she figured when the money runs out, her daughter can be her little live in slave supporting her until she dies. The daughter could very well be autistic, autistic girls are easily manipulated and get trapped into toxic family situations like this. Well the penny has dropped and she is trying again to get herself separate from her mum who is a classic parasitical narcissist.

id be calling social services and reporting the daughter as autistic and a vulnerable adult.

If someone has reached their 20s with no diagnosis of autism then they are probably high functioning and so can work, if she is autistic. Some people have severe autism that does impact ability to work, but they wouldn’t reach their 20s without anyone figuring out they’ve got it! Anyway, it’s up to your friend tbh, she’s in her 50s so can also work? Her daughter should get a job to support herself, not her mum

I was raised to be very enmeshed with my mom. She depended on me for socialization, emotional regulation, tech help, mediating arguments with her spouse (my step father), picking out gifts for them to give each other, etc. She didn't encourage any branching out or any kind of independence. She pretended not to remember friends names and laid guilt on thick whenever I wanted to do something with anyone but her.

Let me tell you something about the daughters so-called manipulative behavior. When you grow up with an enmeshed relationship like that, manipulation is how you get your needs met. It's the only way, actually. You have to unlearn it the hard way once you get out of the fog of that relationship. It's a survival mechanism that kicks in.

I learned very young that asking for help doesn't get me help. I had to figure out other ways to get what I needed, and yes I did manipulate my mother. I think she became who she is for similar reasons. It's a vicious cycle.

I had a fierce desire for independence, so I got my education and moved across the country to get away. But I am lucky in that respect. I feel for the daughter because none of it was her decision. Her growth is stunted, and if she's autistic (as I am) that only makes it harder. Maybe she can drag herself out of it, but it's very hard to do coming out of such a toxic dynamic. She was set up to fail.

Imagine setting those kind of examples in your daughters life then expecting them to behave any different.

YABU OP - this down to your friend setting a shit example and now she needs to show the changes needed to her daughter. They both need to get a job.

Yes both of them are adults, it's on both of them to sort it out!

Stating that the daughter is a liar, as if you personally know this to be a fact, is ridiculous! A hell of a lot of women were overlooked as autistic because they don’t present the same as boys. She might just be realising who she is now that information is more widely available. Even OP has no basis or right to dismiss the daughter’s claims, as only she herself knows how she has struggled and masked her whole life.

Read the OP again and properly this time.