To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

[Anita4PawsMomma]

I’d really like some advice. I’m not a regular on here, but someone suggested I post as they didn’t know what to say or how to help.

I’m really worried about my friend. She’s in her early 50s and lives with her daughter, who’s in her late 20s. Their relationship has always been quite unusual, they’re extremely close, almost too close really. Like totally enmeshed - but toxic at the same time. They do everything together, and her daughter’s never had proper friendships or a boyfriend because my friend gets too involved in her life (I’ve mentioned it over the years, but she just can’t seem to step back) but they also fight like cat & dog too and are in each others way.

Neither of them has ever worked or trained in anything. They live in a house that’s paid off from my friend’s divorce a few years ago, and she also got quite a large settlement, I’m not sure how much exactly, but it think in the hundreds of thousands (including detail for context of the issue).

The problem is, the money's ran out and her daughter refuses to work or contribute at all. Over the past year, I’ve really noticed my friend’s mental health getting worse as her money’s running out. I’ve tried to give advice, but I can be too black and white, and she sometimes takes that as being too harsh, so she tends to ignore me or blank me for a wile after.

Her daughter often lies to get out of things, and the latest is that she’s decided she’s autistic. I want to be really clear that I’m not dismissing genuine autism, but she’s self-diagnosed based on things she’s read online and seems to exaggerate a lot of it to avoid responsibility. And many people around know it's ridiculous as it goes against what everyone knows of her. Its as though she's pulled up a list of traits that severly autistic people exhibit and she's pushing that she has them all. If anyone questions it, she just says she’s always been “masking.” I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too. I've nearly been in heated arguments with the daughter before because of how this is impacting my friend.

Anyway, my friend’s now completely at a loss. The money’s almost gone, neither of them works, and they could end up losing their home. I honestly don’t know what to tell her anymore.

Can they apply for any benefits if they own their home outright? And has anyone been through anything similar with an adult child refusing to step up or take any responsibility? I don't know about taking out mortgages and if she can take money out of the property. But that still won't solve her problem with her daughter and the same dilemma will come back around again. Sorry for rambling but I don't know how to advice and I can see she's in a really bad place.

They won't get that as they haven't worked recently. It'll be UC and they'll be (rightly) hounded every month to get work, or face a sanction.

They both sound lazy. Why is 'can they get benefits?' your first idea/solution? They need to work.

The solution really is black and white though isn’t.

And it’s not the daughter’s sole responsibility - her mother is an adult too.

They both need to get a job. It really is that simple isn’t it unless there is significant health issues preventing them from doing so. In that case they can apply for benefits.

Doesn’t excuse manipulative behaviour (or does it, I don’t know much about autism)

What a lot of people see as manipulation within autism is actually the person struggling with their nervous system. It is dysregulation and rigid thinking patterns.

It can manifest in lots of different ways.

In this case it could be that the DD has gotten into a daily routine due which has been facilitated by not working and the prospect of that routine changing causing dysregulation which can look combative, argumentative and lead to short tempers and harsh words being shared. It can even lead to physical behaviors, externalised or internalised. It can lead to feeling suicidal, or expressing that you feel suicidal which is usually more often than not an extreme way of saying "wow, this feels completely out of my control and the only way I feel I can make this stop right now is by killing myself" even if the change to systems and routines is a small one and the response is seen as disproportional. It can also lead to a lot of self injurious stims which outsiders can feel is emotionally manipulative.

I see lots of posts about autism and it not being an excuse to be manipulative. It is really not that black and white. When the behaviours being perceived as manipulative are key characteristics of the disability itself then you might as well say autism is not an excuse to be autistic, but as I said it is not that black and white and even autistic people are capable of being manipulative and of lying too.

We simply don't have enough information to say for certain that the OPs friend or DD are autistic. There is information available that gives plausability in the OPs post that lots of people are extrapolating from the data we have, but if the OP suggests that maybe the DD or friend are autistic, I can't see that landing well. It is something they need to be willing to be assessed for themselves and requires substantial evidence and knowledge for self advocacy.

My dd has PIP and ASD. The simple answer to your disablist comment is someone else manages it for them.

It’s that simple.

If that was aimed at my comment, I apologise. I didn’t mean to come across as rude. Its ignorance more than anything. I think I meant that it seems cruel to offer cash to someone knowing they don’t have the capacity to spend it on resources that will help them. And it would seem better to directly offer them the resources instead. But you’re right. If there is someone in their life that can manage the money for them, they’re lucky and that makes sense.

I find it scary that society wants to label so many many people as autistic or ADHD and see it as a life of not working!! This is a bleak future when people are conditioning every other kid to think that they are disabled and will need benefits instead of working when they grow up! You've got so many families where they claim all their kids are ND and mum always wants a diagnosis as well! Where is all the money going to come from to buy all these economically inactive people a free life.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. If she asks for advice, recommend she speaks to Citizens Advice, but you can’t fix her life for her

perhaps a different kind of support may be helpful and may help you feel less worried or frustrated. For example, offering to give a lift to the citizens advice bureau etc. That kind of thing can really help people if they’re struggling and it doesn’t mean doing it for them or having an opinion on the situation, just being there with them when they negotiate their way.

Your friend created this so she needs to fix it, they both need to get jobs no one can do this for them

How does she go on qualifying for benefits?

Or getting both getting a job

I'm not entirely sure, if i knew i wouldn't dare say anything

I don't think the mum likes me much. She once sent a message to my DH saying I was a "princess" and a "narcissist" (!) as i talk a lot about my health problems and I guess shd found it hard to listen and empathise. 😟😳 Well, at least I have a job and work in spite of my movement disorder and head injury. I've never really found her lack of ability to get a job very good, especially as she has no reason not to.😵‍💫

likely her daughters career and thus no work responsibilities given by uc.

I expect it'll be pretty tough when they start working and realise they could've maintained a really cushy life had they used all that money as a supplement rather than relied on it 100%.

Lazy arses need jobs your friend is only in her 50s.

No doubt the tax payer will soon start funding their life style and their mental health will only get better when their payment dates are due.

I wouldnt be worried. They can sell the house. At one point they will have to get work. I am more worried about your friend...she has caused all this and has been reckles spending all the money amd not thinking about the future.
Never ever bail her out. As that will make her lazy and not think about consequences of her behaviour.
Some people learn late in life. But we all have to learn same lessons- money doesnt grow on trees ;)

I'm sure they can claim benefits but will have to actively try to find jobs or go on courses. They sound hopeless and self indulgent, both need to help themselves! Xx

What was your DF’s long term plan for once the money ran out? If her plan was all along to send her DD to work whilst she neither trained or worked I can understand her DD having a few issues.

If your DF mentions it again you could offer to help her apply for a couple of jobs but ultimately if she want money to live on she needs to work. This is nothing to do with the DD. Your DF needs to start taking responsibility for own life.

Give your friend the necessary links to apply for benefits and then pull away.

Sell the house…that’s it really live off that money then get a job - but not a lot you can do.

She should have been applying for universal credit as soon as her savings got under £16,000. And the daughter should have been applying in her own right since she reached adulthood!

yes, they should BOTH be applying now but they’ve missed out on a lot of money that could have helped them. Daughter should also be doing a referral under right to choose for an assessment for autism/adhd if she’s low functioning.

Also look up the term Flying Monkeys. I think this may apply to you in this situation. The DD isn’t behaving how your DF wants her to so she’s drafted you in. That doesn’t sound like great behaviour on your DF’s part or yours.

Edited because of typos.