Page 5 | Relationship issues kids/step kids

89Mumof3 · 2025-12-08T10:32:41+00:00

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special. All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine. Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house. Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating. I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy. Thanks any suggestions welcome

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 08/12/2025 11:45

Who's idea was it to have 2 dc together when you didn't have room for his first dc full time?
What happens if they want to live with their df full time?
When my 2 x ds's wanted to live with us full time it was my dh who collected them and their things from exh's. Would you do that for his dc?
Sadly not.
Glad they have dgps.

WelshRabBite · 08/12/2025 11:46

This is just awful 😢

Those poor children.

Losing their primary parent at such a young age and being clearly unwanted by both their Dad and their SM.

I hope their dad has arranged and paid for grief counselling for those kids as they have so much to work through.

I’m struggling to comprehend how a parent can leave their grieving children to be raised by other people, I just cannot get my head around why both of you wouldn’t be moving heaven and earth to look after them.

Just awful 😞

Bedtelly · 08/12/2025 11:46

89Mumof3 · 08/12/2025 11:43

I've had them in the home and it's stressful, outside the home is easier, but that would mean 2 cars which means we can't go far as it's 2 lots of fuel and money's super tight especially this time of year and the weather's not guaranteed.
I keep going round in circles, me and my mum still bake as you get older you learn to measure and stuff I don't know I grew up in an age before the smart phone took over. Theme parks would be too expensive and his son doesn't like rides, we took his daughter to Alton towers 3 years ago, I'm trying to find something sustainable. I've never stopped him seeing them, even when my Nanna was dying I still had them over, and did everything, just didn't go to McDonald's with them because I was too upset, she died the following day I just needed a bit of space, he still holds it against me that I wasn't my usual self. I'm really not a selfish person, but they don't seem happy here, when they were younger we got games out, did Easter egg hunts round the house, but it's all gone and it does make me sad

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What are you taking about? You sound away with the fairies. I'm stepping away from the this thread because it is making me quite angry.

FuzzyWolf · 08/12/2025 11:46

Starlight1984 · 08/12/2025 11:45

Excuse after excuse after excuse. Always the same with these threads.

Can never afford to do anything with the step-children. Can't afford a bigger house for them to live in. Can't afford petrol / a car that fits all the kids in. Basically, can't afford anything at all if it benefits the step-children.

But I bet can miraculously afford everything for your two children together and your own daughter?

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Exactly this.

Also, you could trade in your existing car for a seven seater or is that a thought beyond all comprehension?

Starlight1984 · 08/12/2025 11:46

FuzzyWolf · 08/12/2025 11:41

Why are you lying? You say in this post, written in the summer of 2023, that you had been together for four years. COVID was early 2020. You got together possibly even less than a year before COVID on these timescales. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4836029-marriage-at-breaking-point

Edited

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Oh jesus what a fucking mess.

Barnbrack · 08/12/2025 11:46

89Mumof3 · 08/12/2025 11:43

I've had them in the home and it's stressful, outside the home is easier, but that would mean 2 cars which means we can't go far as it's 2 lots of fuel and money's super tight especially this time of year and the weather's not guaranteed.
I keep going round in circles, me and my mum still bake as you get older you learn to measure and stuff I don't know I grew up in an age before the smart phone took over. Theme parks would be too expensive and his son doesn't like rides, we took his daughter to Alton towers 3 years ago, I'm trying to find something sustainable. I've never stopped him seeing them, even when my Nanna was dying I still had them over, and did everything, just didn't go to McDonald's with them because I was too upset, she died the following day I just needed a bit of space, he still holds it against me that I wasn't my usual self. I'm really not a selfish person, but they don't seem happy here, when they were younger we got games out, did Easter egg hunts round the house, but it's all gone and it does make me sad

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For god sake you took them to McDonald's? Alton towers. Have a word with yourself.

YourZippyHare · 08/12/2025 11:46

MissDoubleU · 08/12/2025 11:41

The fact the child was ever living with the grandparents is irrelevant. If OP’s DH had been any sort of parent the child would have lived with him. They clearly have had no relationship at all for years.

OP is getting a hard time because she lacks any empathy for these kids and keeps focusing on how they ignore her own children and this makes them upset. Well I’m not surprised they do. Grieving children abandoned and ignored by their fathe. Their father manages to be a devoting present parent to these children though. And all they get is grief about why they aren’t nicer to the new baby?? Come on.

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I think you ought to read the updates. It sounds like OP is the one thinking about the kids and husband sounds strangely absent. She's literally asking for help in planning activities with them.

MissDoubleU · 08/12/2025 11:46

89Mumof3 · 08/12/2025 11:43

I've had them in the home and it's stressful, outside the home is easier, but that would mean 2 cars which means we can't go far as it's 2 lots of fuel and money's super tight especially this time of year and the weather's not guaranteed.
I keep going round in circles, me and my mum still bake as you get older you learn to measure and stuff I don't know I grew up in an age before the smart phone took over. Theme parks would be too expensive and his son doesn't like rides, we took his daughter to Alton towers 3 years ago, I'm trying to find something sustainable. I've never stopped him seeing them, even when my Nanna was dying I still had them over, and did everything, just didn't go to McDonald's with them because I was too upset, she died the following day I just needed a bit of space, he still holds it against me that I wasn't my usual self. I'm really not a selfish person, but they don't seem happy here, when they were younger we got games out, did Easter egg hunts round the house, but it's all gone and it does make me sad

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Why are you even with this man?? Leave. This doesn’t need to be your circus. Yes, he will abandon your children the way he’s abandoned all his other children. But it’s likely to happen either way.

it’s not your job to see these kids, it’s his job. Stop carrying him because no matter what effort YOU put in he is still failing them.

KittyFinlay · 08/12/2025 11:47

89Mumof3 · 08/12/2025 11:43

I've had them in the home and it's stressful, outside the home is easier, but that would mean 2 cars which means we can't go far as it's 2 lots of fuel and money's super tight especially this time of year and the weather's not guaranteed.
I keep going round in circles, me and my mum still bake as you get older you learn to measure and stuff I don't know I grew up in an age before the smart phone took over. Theme parks would be too expensive and his son doesn't like rides, we took his daughter to Alton towers 3 years ago, I'm trying to find something sustainable. I've never stopped him seeing them, even when my Nanna was dying I still had them over, and did everything, just didn't go to McDonald's with them because I was too upset, she died the following day I just needed a bit of space, he still holds it against me that I wasn't my usual self. I'm really not a selfish person, but they don't seem happy here, when they were younger we got games out, did Easter egg hunts round the house, but it's all gone and it does make me sad

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Yes, having 5 kids is stressful. You chose to have 2 more children with a man who already had 2 when you had 1. The time to think about whether you had space and energy for 5 kids was before then.

Barnbrack · 08/12/2025 11:47

89Mumof3 · 08/12/2025 11:31

I'm not putting any limits on his time, he can see them for however long he wants, but forcing them to spend time in our house with people they hardly know seems a bit mean.
So give me some activities? I'm all out, I find it stressful, I get zero input from my husband about how to this work. Daughters on her phone when my 5 year old is talking to her, his son's either on the PlayStation or on his switch ignoring my 2 year old and watching your kids get blanked is hard to watch. They don't understand and then they get upset and I feel rubbish by the end of it. I need ideas not bashing

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Watching your kids egg blanked?

For god sake his kids have been blanked by you for years, by their dad.

MotherJessAndKittens · 08/12/2025 11:48

Surely you should both be discussing new arrangements so they can come and live with you? They are in mourning and will probably be devastated. You need to work out bedrooms and get another TV for goodness sake and develop some sympathy!

me24x · 08/12/2025 11:48

This is just so sad to read. I feel awful for his children. Why on earth would they want a relationship with any of you when their mother passed away and they were shipped off to the grandparents?? That was time for their ONLY remaining parent to step up and be a parent. Your husband is going to resent you soon enough, sorry but this is just awful. Cannot believe the reason you didn’t take in his children was due to being in a 3 bed, so many options. They have experienced something absolutely life changing and your worried about your daughters screen time? Your head needs a serious wobble

Outside9 · 08/12/2025 11:49

This just reinforces the notion that step parents can rarely care as much for their step kids as they do their own kids.

nomas · 08/12/2025 11:50

I think your husband has brought a lot of this on by being a lazy fuck who watches his wife run around after 4 kids (2 not her own) and does fuck all to help.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to be a housemaid to his kids.

But the kids should be able to come over and stay 5 hours or 7 hours or however long they want.

Tell DH that he needs to cook and clean for his kids when they come.

Dramatic · 08/12/2025 11:50

89Mumof3 · 08/12/2025 11:31

I'm not putting any limits on his time, he can see them for however long he wants, but forcing them to spend time in our house with people they hardly know seems a bit mean.
So give me some activities? I'm all out, I find it stressful, I get zero input from my husband about how to this work. Daughters on her phone when my 5 year old is talking to her, his son's either on the PlayStation or on his switch ignoring my 2 year old and watching your kids get blanked is hard to watch. They don't understand and then they get upset and I feel rubbish by the end of it. I need ideas not bashing

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All teenage girls are on their phones all the time, do not expect them to interact and entertain the younger kids, they are still children themselves. You're framing everything around your own children when it should be framed around your step kids

MissDoubleU · 08/12/2025 11:50

YourZippyHare · 08/12/2025 11:46

I think you ought to read the updates. It sounds like OP is the one thinking about the kids and husband sounds strangely absent. She's literally asking for help in planning activities with them.

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OP shouldn’t be planning activities with them - she needs to step aside and let their father parent. But she can’t because the father in question is controlling and moody and gets angry at her when she doesn’t do everything.

OP needs to leave, that’s the bottom line. She’s needed to leave for a long time.

Starlight1984 · 08/12/2025 11:50

we took his daughter to Alton towers 3 years ago, I'm trying to find something sustainable. I've never stopped him seeing them, even when my Nanna was dying I still had them over, and did everything, just didn't go to McDonald's with them because I was too upset

You still "had them over" when your nana was dying?! Well yes, that's what happens with families. Children are still around when other shit is going on. That's life.

And wow. You took his daughter to a theme park 3 years ago. Amazing. What a lucky child.

nomas · 08/12/2025 11:50

Outside9 · 08/12/2025 11:49

This just reinforces the notion that step parents can rarely care as much for their step kids as they do their own kids.

She has young kids of her own, their dad should be taking care of his kids,

Original poster

89Mumof3 · 08/12/2025 11:51

Murriams · 08/12/2025 11:43

I dont know what activities they like, I would start by asking them. Even if they say they dont know they will at least know you are interested. Or ask the GP what they like.
Watching your kids get blanked does sound genuinely difficult but not a massive surprise if they barely know each other. The more they are around each other the more chance there is for spontaneous interactions. Possibly explain to your kids that their siblings have had a really hard year so might sometimes seem rude/not interested because they are trying to deal with their own feelings.
Being on the phone/play station a lot is also pretty standard for their age range, trying to limit this unnecessarily is likely to cause issues. Maybe a few hours out somewhere together then come home and they can do their own thing or they can suggest something to do together.
I think time in the same space as each other is likely to be more bonding than specific activities, most of family life is just rubbing along together rather than the big days out etc

I do get the "don't know" we know his son likes monopoly, but I know my 2 and 5 year old would definitely ruin it. It's why I encourage him to go to his mum's where they can do the activities they like. They spend the whole time on phones and switches, no bonding happens. They have a great relationship with their cousins who are the same age and see them just as often but they engage with them, for some reason they don't.
My 2 and 5 year old will not understand what a tough year means, they just feel ignored and it's their home and I want to protect them it's just so difficult

OP posts:

KittyFinlay · 08/12/2025 11:51

Outside9 · 08/12/2025 11:49

This just reinforces the notion that step parents can rarely care as much for their step kids as they do their own kids.

Please do not tar all step-parents with this brush. I'm a Stepmum and I think this is horrific. SD doesn't live with us but she knows that if she ever wanted to she could move in tomorrow. When we looked for houses we made sure that there was enough bedrooms for ALL our children.

sandyhappypeople · 08/12/2025 11:51

89Mumof3 · 08/12/2025 11:31

I'm not putting any limits on his time, he can see them for however long he wants, but forcing them to spend time in our house with people they hardly know seems a bit mean.
So give me some activities? I'm all out, I find it stressful, I get zero input from my husband about how to this work. Daughters on her phone when my 5 year old is talking to her, his son's either on the PlayStation or on his switch ignoring my 2 year old and watching your kids get blanked is hard to watch. They don't understand and then they get upset and I feel rubbish by the end of it. I need ideas not bashing

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YOU should be entertaining YOUR kids while his kids are visiting you, his kids don't sound like they need entertaining, they need a safe space to spend time with their dad (and you and your family once they have contact re-established), and them not wanting to play/interact with the younger kids should not be the thing that dictates that.

It's such a small amount of time that they would be coming (one day every other week), that you are being so unbelievably selfish not accommodating them.

You've got this all backwards, why can't your kids play in their bedrooms, put a TV in there if they haven't got one already, or why cant you go out with your kids, or do things with your kids and let his kids just come round and spend however long they want there? Then switch so he takes his kids out for some of it etc, occasionally do things together.

It sounds like contact fizzled out because you made it too hard to re-establish after covid, you need to fix that as you are the one putting limitations in the way.

AnxietySloth · 08/12/2025 11:52

This is really really horriblie to read. Honestly one of the worst things I've seen on this site.

Their mother has died. They should be living with their father full time. No excuses. And failing that they should have open access to your home. It is completely irrelevant that they ignore your kids or go on tech or whatever. Completely irrelevant. He is their dad every bit as much as he is the dad to your children.

You are both behaving in a way that's completely unforgivable.

BettysRoasties · 08/12/2025 11:52

How will they ever get a bond if they are barely allowed in the house.

You and the dad are shit frankly. He should never of let contact get so low and you should have better standards than a shit dad to father more children.

Barnbrack · 08/12/2025 11:53

89Mumof3 · 08/12/2025 11:51

I do get the "don't know" we know his son likes monopoly, but I know my 2 and 5 year old would definitely ruin it. It's why I encourage him to go to his mum's where they can do the activities they like. They spend the whole time on phones and switches, no bonding happens. They have a great relationship with their cousins who are the same age and see them just as often but they engage with them, for some reason they don't.
My 2 and 5 year old will not understand what a tough year means, they just feel ignored and it's their home and I want to protect them it's just so difficult

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Because their dad lives in that house it's also your step kids home. They should have a home with you. Everything your kids have your step kids should have equal access to.

Starlight1984 · 08/12/2025 11:53

YourZippyHare · 08/12/2025 11:46

I think you ought to read the updates. It sounds like OP is the one thinking about the kids and husband sounds strangely absent. She's literally asking for help in planning activities with them.

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It really, really doesn't read like this at all...