Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

Agree with @Mapletree1985, moving them out of the grandparents into the house of a father they barely know, where they'll have to share a room, and live alongside siblings they don't know and a stepmother who clearly doesn't like them sounds like a terrible idea.

But the father really needs to be stepping up and doing things like school run, dinners, weekend activities etc. Your husband should be seeing them DAILY even if he doesn't live with them.

And sorry but even if they were full siblings who lived together all the time, the 13 year old is not going to want to entertain a 5yo all day. There are 2 years between me and my brother and I was regularly kicked out of his room because he didn't want to deal with me. It's not 'hard' to see your kids get blanked, it's very normal inter-sibling dynamics. You need to divide and conquer, with your husband taking the older ones somewhere and you handling the small ones, or find something that everyone is happy to do. How do you think other families with large age spreads do it? It's not abnormal to have a range of children to entertain.

If this isn’t a wind-up, maybe considering looking into family therapy.

The pair of you should both be ashamed.

Their mother is dead and their father is too busy with his new family so they live with their grandparents? What? They shouldn't "hardly know" you because the moment their Mum died they should have moved in with their surviving parent!

But your sofa isn't big enough so I suppose that's fine.

If I'm counting right you have 5 kids between you and have clearly decided which ones are your favourites.

Your focused entirely on how these children make your children feel. Your children are secure in a loving home with two parents. I’m sure they can cope. It is not your SD OR SS’s responsibility to entertain your children. They are probably struggling and sad. Where is your empathy for how they feel in all of this??

This

OP, you are getting a terribly hard time from posters here.

Disclosure: I was a widowed parent, my husband was a widowed parent, we both brought DC into a blended family and also have one 'together' DC. So I can see this from various angles.

This really sounds like your husband's responsibility. It isn't yours, to maintain that relationship... and it sounds like he has been letting it drop away for years.

I don't think it is in the children's interests to move them away from stability at their grandparents' into an overcrowded situation. They need continuity at this very tough time.

I know their mother has passed away but... one of her kids was already living with the grandparents and no one seems to have much to say about that. I'm not downplaying the loss AT ALL... just saying it didn't seem like the best situation with her either.

What does your husband think? He sounds terribly absent in all of this. Does he not want to see his kids?

What I am hearing is... when his older kids come over, everything gets left to you. Is that right?

He saw his children three times a year, then their mum passed away and now they are allowed 4 hours to visit.
I have no words.
These are children, your husband’s children who’ve lost their mum and your children’s siblings. You two need to step up and support them not worry about a five year olds tv time!

Wow!! What an awful person you are. Imagine it you died and your husbands new partner had these ‘rules’. Poor kids. They don’t deserve someone like you in their lives. They have lost enough and you should be wanting their father to play a full time role to them. I hope he sees this and makes a home for them without you in it!!!!

OP, I understand you are a mum. But are you serious when you expect a teenager who has a dead mum and a useless missing in action dad and an obviously uninterested SM to entertain your 5 year old?!!!!

I know they are being difficult. They are not your 5 year olds playmate. They have no capacity to do this.

Stop bringing the kids together like this right now. That man needs to spend significant quality time with those kids without the other two. Would you support that?

You don't need "activities". You need to make them feel loved, welcome, talk to them / engage with them, ask them about their friends / what they're watching on tv / which signers / artists they're into.

Offer to sit and watch something together. Or even just with one of them at a time.

Buy some crafts (candle / jewellery / crystal making kits) and ask the teen if she can help the younger girls with it.

Go for a walk to a coffee shop / cafe and let them have waffles / pancakes / milkshake.

Ask them if they fancy a takeaway and they get to pick what it is.

Take the teen girl to Starbucks / Primark / to get her nails done as a treat.

Get a cheap, second TV in a bedroom (although I highly doubt you only have one TV in the whole house anyway).

Tell your own children that they're not sitting glued to a TV for hours on end.

Hilariously aspirational given that he has barely seen his kids for years and barely bothers with them now. This is not OP's fault. It is her husband's fault, frankly.

I'm not putting any limits on his time, he can see them for however long he wants, but forcing them to spend time in our house with people they hardly know seems a bit mean.
So give me some activities? I'm all out, I find it stressful, I get zero input from my husband about how to this work. Daughters on her phone when my 5 year old is talking to her, his son's either on the PlayStation or on his switch ignoring my 2 year old and watching your kids get blanked is hard to watch. They don't understand and then they get upset and I feel rubbish by the end of it. I need ideas not bashing

Honestly, your best bet is to get rid of the shit husband and father before he lets your children down in the way he has his eldest children.

If you're going to stay with him you need to learn that older kids getting bored of younger kids is normal. Multiple kids in the house of multiple ages being difficult is normal.

You distract your kids with games or toys when they're annoying their siblings. The siblings aren't there to provide entertainment for their younger sibs.

You're never going to know them if you constantly refuse to spend time with them.

Your problem is your husband however - you'd be far better walking away from him than continuing to make his failings the fault of his children.

Why are you lying? You say in this post, written in the summer of 2023, that you had been together for four years. COVID was early 2020. You got together possibly even less than a year before COVID on these timescales. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4836029-marriage-at-breaking-point

It's partly her fault, she chose to have more children with a man already ignoring his existing 5 and 2 yr old. It's so disgusting.

The fact the child was ever living with the grandparents is irrelevant. If OP’s DH had been any sort of parent the child would have lived with him. They clearly have had no relationship at all for years.

OP is getting a hard time because she lacks any empathy for these kids and keeps focusing on how they ignore her own children and this makes them upset. Well I’m not surprised they do. Grieving children abandoned and ignored by their fathe. Their father manages to be a devoting present parent to these children though. And all they get is grief about why they aren’t nicer to the new baby?? Come on.

I really hope this thread is a wind up!

You’re getting a bashing here but it’s their dad who should have stepped up previously, not you.

It sounds like, when they visit, he’s not pulling his weight? Leaving you to entertain four kids including a toddler and a teenager, two of whom are recently bereaved and you barely know?

I don’t think you can say they can’t come over, but take your own kids out for part of the time, and suggest you all go out for lunch or something. Then it’s only a morning or an afternoon together (and they get the other time to bond with their dad), for which he can plan an activity or a walk or something.

Ok so useful advice then.

Your husband needs to start being part of their life, forget needing activities to entertain them. He should be doing school runs, involving himself in their day to day and understanding them as people.

Do not try and make them automatically be older siblings to your other children, they genuinely don't know them. That is the fault of your husband.

Accept that teenagers are different to younger children, yes they can be disinterested and just want to be on their phones etc. This is normal and not a failure of the children.

Your husband should be working with the grandparents to rebuild his relationship with the kids.

Remember that to him your shared children should not be deemed as more important than the other other kids.

I've had them in the home and it's stressful, outside the home is easier, but that would mean 2 cars which means we can't go far as it's 2 lots of fuel and money's super tight especially this time of year and the weather's not guaranteed.
I keep going round in circles, me and my mum still bake as you get older you learn to measure and stuff I don't know I grew up in an age before the smart phone took over. Theme parks would be too expensive and his son doesn't like rides, we took his daughter to Alton towers 3 years ago, I'm trying to find something sustainable. I've never stopped him seeing them, even when my Nanna was dying I still had them over, and did everything, just didn't go to McDonald's with them because I was too upset, she died the following day I just needed a bit of space, he still holds it against me that I wasn't my usual self. I'm really not a selfish person, but they don't seem happy here, when they were younger we got games out, did Easter egg hunts round the house, but it's all gone and it does make me sad

Exactly. This was a choice. And OP says he didn’t seem desperate for more kids, I wonder why. He couldn’t be arsed with the ones he had.

I dont know what activities they like, I would start by asking them. Even if they say they dont know they will at least know you are interested. Or ask the GP what they like.
Watching your kids get blanked does sound genuinely difficult but not a massive surprise if they barely know each other. The more they are around each other the more chance there is for spontaneous interactions. Possibly explain to your kids that their siblings have had a really hard year so might sometimes seem rude/not interested because they are trying to deal with their own feelings.
Being on the phone/play station a lot is also pretty standard for their age range, trying to limit this unnecessarily is likely to cause issues. Maybe a few hours out somewhere together then come home and they can do their own thing or they can suggest something to do together.
I think time in the same space as each other is likely to be more bonding than specific activities, most of family life is just rubbing along together rather than the big days out etc

I dont know what activities they like, I would start by asking them. Even if they say they dont know they will at least know you are interested. Or ask the GP what they like.
Watching your kids get blanked does sound genuinely difficult but not a massive surprise if they barely know each other. The more they are around each other the more chance there is for spontaneous interactions. Possibly explain to your kids that their siblings have had a really hard year so might sometimes seem rude/not interested because they are trying to deal with their own feelings.
Being on the phone/play station a lot is also pretty standard for their age range, trying to limit this unnecessarily is likely to cause issues. Maybe a few hours out somewhere together then come home and they can do their own thing or they can suggest something to do together.
I think time in the same space as each other is likely to be more bonding than specific activities, most of family life is just rubbing along together rather than the big days out etc

I think they are both to blame.

Imagine knowing that the man you are with couldn't give a toss about his two older kids and then deciding to make him a father twice more, then agreeing to live in a house without room for his other children to even sit down.

I agree with OP that the grandparents’ house sounds like a far better place for them. Dad is basically a stranger, whether that’s his fault or their mum’s, the relationships is basically nonexistent.

Excuse after excuse after excuse. Always the same with these threads.

Can never afford to do anything with the step-children. Can't afford a bigger house for them to live in. Can't afford petrol / a car that fits all the kids in. Basically, can't afford anything at all if it benefits the step-children.

But I bet can miraculously afford everything for your two children together and your own daughter?