Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

Surely this is a wind up?

Fucking.Hell.

When you think you’ve heard it all. But haven’t. JFC.

Perhaps your DH should move out and live somewhere with his children.

Why in the living fuck would you even date, let alone have children with a man who only saw his children for “a few hours” every other weekend?? And now their mother is passed he just wants to hand them to the grandparents? What a disgusting excuse for a man. What makes you think he loves your child together any more than he does these first children?

And you. You don’t want them to visit for a full day because your daughter wants to watch TV!? So 3 hours max? What fucking planet are you living on. These are his children. They are grieving. They were here first and they should be his number one priority right now and moving forward.

You have both failed.

It has to be. Nobody is that much of a cunt to children whose mother has died and actually wants sympathy about it on here!

He's an idiot - and I can't understand why you had a child with him...he's not being a great dad.

And you seem completely tone deaf about what's going on.

I am going to stress - I am a bio mum. I feel a lot of emotional pain regarding father's behavior. It is a pattern that is repeated endlessly. If kids are not your own and bring problems, human beings will struggle. Stepmums don't really want this unless prior kids bring something of benefit.

OP needs support and guidance so she isn't riddled with shame and doing what she does not want to do. Resentment will only grow.

OP - think about what you really truly can and can't cope with. It sounds like you can't imagine them being in your home. So building up time together outside the house might work. Your husband and them.

Encouraging your husband to spend time alone with them. ( Will he?). They have a home with GPs. They need a bond and connection with their dad. This is all on him. He can build that connection through one on one time and then joint family days out? Something all kids like, not just yours ( e.g not baking).

Theme park?

I know!!

Sorry your Mums dead but my kids want to watch CBeebies so….

The 13 and 9 year old were there before your children so should have their own rooms. Even more so now they have lost their mum.

They have their own bedrooms at their grandparents house (5 bedroom house) massive garden and a dog they bought for them a couple of years ago. They take them on cruises, to Disneyland Florida we can't offer them that lifestyle. We go on holiday once every couple of years and not abroad. They have lovely days out, great relationships with their Aunties and Uncles, they are loved and well cared for.

None of this makes up for the fact that their Mum has died and their dad sees them for a few measly hours every couple of weeks.

OP how would you feel if anything happened to you and your husband decided to ditch your children for another woman and so they no longer had a parent in their life?!?!?

We were together 2 nearly 3 years when we decided to have our first daughter, I always wanted more children and he never showed any interest in wanting them overnight. This was his responsibility, if he didn't want more kids he should've chose somebody else or got a place on his own. He wanted more kids, but he knew the consequences and was ok with it if not we wouldn't have got together because on the first date I told him I wanted more kids and he said so did he. It wasn't sprung on him once we'd been together a while, he knew from day 1 before any emotions were in place.
We don't have an extension, but if we did then that would mean that potentially it could work, but he doesn't want it and he's racked up debts so couldn't get one now anyway

This has got to be a wind up.

I mean, if it’s not, you could just parent your angelic children and not let them watch telly at all couldn’t you but that’d involve you parenting your actual children and since you can’t be arsed to do that I can’t see you being arsed with someone else’s.

Because women decide to make them fathers.

Neither of you are coming out of this well.
He allowed his contact with his children to drop to a few times a year then doesn't seem to have fought for them to live with him when their mother died.
You talk about him needing to build a relationship with his children then put limits on his time with them for reasons of convenience.
You both need to start putting these kids first (alongside the kids you have together obviously). Let them spend as much time as possible with your family, welcome them, recognise that the activities they want to do are not likely to be the same as younger kids (eg making biscuits).

We got together just over 3 years before COVID, it was their mum that stopped contact not us

STOP MAKING EXCUSES! Even if you feel that they’re better off living with their Grandparents then complaining about 7 hours with 4 children (2 of which have a dead Mum) shows everything anyone on here needs to know about you. And as for him not seeing them, it’s pretty clear that you were the driving force behind that! My child needs the TV or they will cry - boofuckinghoo! He’s as pathetic as you for letting it get like this but you might as well just admit you enjoyed the distance Covid brought and don’t want them more than 4 hours at a time instead of pretending you want a solution. I’m so angry with you and him. Why have 2 kids if he already had 2 kids and you had 1?!? if you only had a 3 bedrooms house if sharing is such a big deal to you? Your youngest 2 are babies, sharing a room is nothing at that age when you have two living parents in your life ffs. I hope your children never feel the grief those 2 kids must feel.

So he's got a 9 year old (assuming born in 2016) and you got together in 2016 / early 2017 (just over 3 years before COVID).

Explains everything.

It sounds like their grandparents are their rock. If I were those kids, the last thing I'd want is to be moved out of a loving and stable home with grandparents who have proven they are willing to go the distance, and into a three bedroom house where five people are already living, none of whom really want me there.

I’m assuming he took it through the courts and did everything he could to change that?

The reason why stepparents have such a bad name on here is because of people like you.

Let’s hope you never die eh OP? Your husband will bin off your children in a heartbeat.

You’re both a disgrace and should never have had children in the first place.

Did he fuck! And she did nothing about it because she enjoyed the distance. Pair of pricks.

So his youngest was 2 yes old and he was seeing him every other week? Why are you happy to marry an absolute deadbeat?

I agree. But it's the fact the OP (like so many others on here who post similar situations) is basically going "the kids are spoiled rotten! They get fancy holidays and have massive bedrooms and that is far better than having an active parent in their life so we don't feel any guilt"

Oh it does. Clearly the OP was shagging the man while his wife was still pregnant.

OW rarely want the children of the first marriage around anyway.

It also explains why the children live with their grandparents. Since they never really had a father anyway, he replaced them with the OP and knocked her up pretty quickly.

Never mind, he’ll probably shag someone else before too long.

I'm not putting any limits on his time, he can see them for however long he wants, but forcing them to spend time in our house with people they hardly know seems a bit mean.
So give me some activities? I'm all out, I find it stressful, I get zero input from my husband about how to this work. Daughters on her phone when my 5 year old is talking to her, his son's either on the PlayStation or on his switch ignoring my 2 year old and watching your kids get blanked is hard to watch. They don't understand and then they get upset and I feel rubbish by the end of it. I need ideas not bashing

But you saw how little interest he was showing in the children he already had. You looked at him and thought, yes this is a man who needs to dilute his attentions even further.

Or are you just happy he gets to be a 24/7 parent to your daughter together and don’t give a fuck about the damage and neglect he’s committing to his two other children?

”the teenage girl is on her phone all the time” - the teenage girl is grieving her own mother and facing a father who can’t even commit to a few hours a week contact, let alone taking care of her when she needs him most. You expect her to bond with her siblings, the very children her father had to replace her. You have no idea how she feels and you’re making no effort at all to see things from her side. I would be devastated and upset. Indifferent to your children who get her own father, that she desperately needs. Who is pushing her out and can’t make room for her.

How do you think your own daughter should or would feel if you passed awsy and your DH couldn’t be arsed with her because he had a new baby to love and spend all his time with? And your DD got shoved off to grandparents?

The fact you've let yourselves be people these children barely know is an abject disgrace.

But his kids being ignored by their father at similar ages was totally fine in your mind? You and your DH are reaping what you sewed.