Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV

What the fuck? This can't be serious? Surely nobody is this heartless and selfish?!!?

Ok, so a bit more information, we have a 3 bedroomed house, my son has a box room and our girls share. As he only saw them twice a year prior to their mum passing away, they don't have a bond and are much closer to their grandparents. Their grandparents have a 5 bedroom house so they get their own bedrooms, don't have to change schools and the daughter was living their already as their mum only had a 2 bedroom house, but was meant to be getting a 3 bedroomed one eventually. Her mum and dad took them to school and fetched them as she wouldn't leave her house due to anxiety.
Moving them into our house, would mean they'd have to share a bedroom which would have been ours, and we'd be sleeping on the sofa and with no bond there I doubt we'd have been able to offer the support with 3 other kids in the house.
I did say we could build an extension, but my husband didn't want it and said they're better off with the grandparents. I offered an alternative on more than one occasion and he said no.
I want to work up to a long day with them, probably in the summer when we've all got to know eachother again and can go for a walk or something nearby. Last time we had them over his youngest was crying (he's 9), it was too much he's very sensitive. His daughter is a teenager and shuns her younger sisters and apart from taking a photo of them ignores them despite my 5 year olds best efforts to interact, she's more interested in her phone. He sees them every other weekend for a day, usually at his mum's. I just want to take it slowly like we did at the start. I'm not saying never I'm just saying not now. Going from twice a year to every other weekend is a big adjustment, our 5 and 2 year old will not understand that they can't watch TV for 7 hours and will play up and who has to deal with the tantrums, me and 7 hours of kids screaming is a long time. Like I said I tried baking and our daughters were interested, but it certainly wasn't the bonding experience I had planned.
I really want some ideas of how to get it to be a positive experience, it was me who planned everything in the past, days out, parties buying the food thinking of presents. Now their older they tell him what they want. In my head if we could have 4 hours of quality time instead of 7 hours where one of them ends up crying is better? I can take the 5 and 2 year old out for part of it if it's 7 hours, but I know that's not what he wants, he wants us all there and somehow they'll become the best of friends, but I can't see it working out that way

Awful awful awful. I don't really have the energy to comment because it makes me feel so sad. Those poor children.

At least the OP knows that when he moves on to the next nanny with a fanny, if she dies that her children won’t get any parental love or support at all and will grieve knowing that they are a huge inconvenience that is unwanted.

Every day in the UK around 74 parents die who leave behind a dependant child. You could quite easily be in that statistic and your children would effectively become orphans based on what your DH is like as a father.

Jesus christ. Such a sad read. This happened to my ex husband when we split.. first it was 2 nights every week at his, then it was every other weekend, then it was when he could be arsed to turn up. The last time my kids saw him / heard from him was in March this year, whilst sat with their shoes / coats on waiting to be picked up and taken on the UK break he told them he'd booked for the Easter holidays.. guess what, didn't show up and has since ghosted them. No birthday card or call for either of them. Common denominator? He chose his new partner (and her 3 kids from a previous relationship) over his own. Both my kids have said they never want to see their Dad again.

Don't be that woman, don't do this to your husband. Your shared children aren't more important than your stepchildren. They should be living with you, they need their only remaining parent now more than ever. Can you imagine what the poor kids are going through? If you're that bothered about your children missing out on TV (WTF?) - get them a TV in their bedrooms and let your stepchildren take priority for the measly 4-7 hours they're there.

No, you are just making excuses.

I bet you weren’t even together that long before COVID anyway before the contact conveniently ceased.

Going from twice a year to every other weekend is a big adjustment, our 5 and 2 year old will not understand that they can't watch TV for 7 hours

You can't be fucking serious?! Two children have lost their mum and all you give a fuck about is whether your children can watch TV?!?!

And nice of you to get a 3 bed house for your own kids with no space for his children.

Fucking abysmal.

Sorry but stipulating 4 hours max is ridiculous, they should in all rights be living with their dad and this should have been factored in before you had children. Everyone in a relationship with another person with children should have at the back their mind that they may have the children full time at some point. Your children and young and will adapt quickly to the other children, and all of them will learn to share etc.

Another, “we’ve done everything that we could for years to show them that they aren’t wanted, why the heck are they awkward when I graciously allow them to come over?”

Could you not just buy a small tv for your 2 young ones . Is that really the problem though .

I don't think I have any ideas to suddenly turn your husband into a decent human being and father. He will always be the scumbag who only saw his kids twice a year.

Who meets a piece of shit who never sees their kids and thinks oh I know I'll have more kids with them?

Why on earth aren’t the children living with their dad full time and him investing all his time into making them feel loved and secure. Why on earth are they living with their grandma when they have another parent

I appreciate it’s hard OP bit seriously those kids should be spending as much time as they possibly can with their father and not being limited to time because your toddlers want to watch tv

Why am I awful? I never stopped him seeing the kids, we only have one room downstairs, there's not a lot of room. It's not really about the TV although not sure how I'm meant to keep everyone happy? Any suggestions?

@89Mumof3 I understand why the GPs sound a better place. I imagine they are happier there. It makes sense.

The problem is your husband is not breaking his back to show them he is there. He isn't really is he. It sounds like he wants this easy fix that is not actually possible. You have to fix it all in his mind by making this impossible scenario of happy families work.

The kids are in severe trauma. They can't smile along baking cakes like you want. Their individual needs are being totally overlooked here by both of you. They are not your children so I understand it's not your job. But they have a dead mum. Baking fairy cakes? Come on OP.

Your husband sounds hideous. He should be working with you to make this easier for you.
He should be breaking his back to let them know he wants to be fully engaged in their life.

Oh my god, your husband is a terrible father! And you're not helping. Allowed to come round for 4 hours only? Poor kids, including a sensitive 9 year old, have lost their mum and this is as much as you and their father can offer? Because your kids don't like sharing the TV,

Words fail me. Don't get me wrong, I'd hate to be a stepparent but even I would do better.

The kids have lost their mum, of course there will be tears, and baking isn’t a treat for a teenager. Building things up slowly is right when introducing a new partner, but you’re not a new partner. He needs to work hard at stepping up for his kids. Living together might not work out but 4 hours every other weekend is pathetic. You married someone with children, who have now experienced a tragic loss - it’s for you and your DH to work out how to support them, not to figure out how this loss can have the least impact on you. And you simply explain to your children that they can’t watch tv for 7 hours a day.

Yes, plenty. But you won't listen to them because at the end of the day, you just don't want his kids over as you see them a massive inconvenience to your precious children.

So in June 2023 your previous thread says that you had been together for four years. So he got with you and in less than a year used COVID as an excuse to ditch his children. Your other threads say he lost interest in the daughters you have when they were very young as well, so what an awful excuse of a father and to end up with someone like you who enables him awful parenting behaviour. Four children (five if you count your older child) subjected to this and I guarantee all will grow up with huge issues as a result.

What are you going to do after 4 hours? Physically drag these poor grieving children out your house? What an awful person you are. His previous children have as much right to be with their dad as the kids you had with him do. Oh and I hope you and their useless dad are trying to get bereavement counselling for them.

I'm very against piling on to the OP when they come for help but I do hope some of the replies will be a wake up call as outsiders flag how deeply sad this is for the children. They had a disinterested father who could barely be bothered to see them and recently lost their mum and are at risk of being shunned further because they won't play happy families for the stepmother and want to do perfectly ordinary childhood things. Of course older children aren't interested in you ger children that's normal. Of course the 9 year wants to play on PlayStation all day if his shit of a father isn't engaging with him and he barely knows anyone else in the house and for you to use that as an excuse to further push them away... I hope this is ragebait as it's too sad.

Your marriage is hanging by a thread... Well if he abandons your children at least you can't say you didn't know what he was like.

Practical advice. His children probably have disengaged from him, he's not a parent he's a sperm donor. If he wants to salvage the relationship he needs to work closely with the grandparents, see them regularly in their own environment, engage with schooling and the day to day. Have days out, surround them in love and slowly integrate them where they are the priority. If he cba, which I expect, he should at least be paying over and above so the grandparents can have some life with them as the only responsible adults in this situation.

Ok, so a bit more information, we have a 3 bedroomed house, my son has a box room and our girls share.

No, you chose to have two children very quickly after getting together when you didn’t have any room for those two children because his existing children should have had a bedroom. Why aren’t the two youngest children that you share with your DH in the extension or sleeping in your room still?

We only have a 3 bedroom house, our girls share, my son is in the box room. I doubt a 13 and a 9 year old wants to share with a 2 and 5 year old? They have their own bedrooms at their grandparents house (5 bedroom house) massive garden and a dog they bought for them a couple of years ago. They take them on cruises, to Disneyland Florida we can't offer them that lifestyle. We go on holiday once every couple of years and not abroad. They have lovely days out, great relationships with their Aunties and Uncles, they are loved and well cared for. They don't have to change schools, and they spent a lot of time round their, the daughter was already living their due to their mum having a 2 bed house and she didn't want to share with her brother anymore. Sometimes life isn't as simple as we'd like

You and your husband are both being shitty to the kids. Your husband needs to step up as a Dad. You need to support his relationship with the kids. Not banish them after 4 hours.

You shouldn’t have had children with him when you didn’t have the room for them!

Fucking hell, no matter how many people point out how awful you are and how awful your DH is, none of it is getting through.