Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

Just bumping it as I'd really appreciate some feedback, I also don't know how the kids would feel hearing my kids saying "mum" when they've recently lost theirs especially this time of year. Maybe I'm overthinking it

Telling him that his children, who have lost their mother, can only visit for a couple of hours on the weekend because your kids will want a turn of the tv should be a marriage ender. If it isn't he's a shit father.

If he was a half decent father the children would be living with him/you. He's their only parent.

They'll hear their friends saying mum all the time.

Being practically banished from their father's house will be far, far more damaging.

This bit puzzled me:

" if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do?"

The implication is that, when the DSCs come to your home, your DH leaves it all to you. If that is the case, that is your starting point for countering his accusations of being unsupportive and for working out a plan to get the children bonding long-term (although it sounds like that ship has sailed).

This is so hard to read.

I fear he will go along with it too. Because he's a man who will prioritise partner over kids.

OP- imagine this is you.... imagine your mum is dead and the reason you can't be at your dad's longer than x hours is because of the other kids needing the blinking TV.

Your feelings and needs are important OP. So, is it too much for you having the kids stay over set days? It's ok if you don't want it. It is on your husband to grow a spine here. You are just looking out for yourself which is human and we all do it 🙏 The TV thing sounds so cruel. Its on the husband here really. I hope a compromise for all can be found 💐

This! Why on earth aren't they living with their remaining parent? Limiting their time in your house to 4 hours because it might be hard for your children is one of the most heartless things I've read on here. God forbid your kids miss out on a turn of the TV so that two children who have lost their mother can spend a bit more time with their father in what should be their home.

For any decent parent, this would be a deal breaker. You are being so unbelievably unreasonable!

Their mother died.

It's unbelievable that his children aren't living with him full time.

What on earth?!

Those poor children! Their mother passed away and this is how they are treated. Unbelievable. I hope they have an amazing life at their grandparents home.

I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV

What on earth have I read? You can’t be serious. No wonder your DH is unhappy!

I think the children's relationship with their father sounds practically non existent over the past 5 years thats a big issue, add in the devastating loss of their mother they probably feel like they have no parents and have been abandoned by their father.

Your husband needs to put in 1000x times more effort building a relationship with them and to work with their grandmother in helping them process this loss. My eldest lost their father at a young age and it is a very very complex way to have to raise a child.

You not wanting them over for a longer period of time because your daughters will want the TV is frankly ridiculous, have you actually comprehended what these children are going through?

They need to feel like your house is their home, their dad is well a dad and not a man they see a few times a year. They need support and love. Their grandmother will need support, also, loosing her own child and then I presume at an older age now raising children again, grieving children.

I’m sorry to say your marriage is a long way down the list at the moment, your husband needs to step up big time.

This is a heartbreaking story. Shocking that their mother died yet dad didn’t take the kids in.

It sounds like you are supportive with regards to the stepkids but the tv thing is just weird. Ask your h what he means by being supportive. Are you sure it’s about the stepkids and not some man code like you don’t have enough sex?

It baffles me that really shit fathers continue to have more children. Why?

You sound awful and absolute shame on your DH for letting contact get that sporadic. They have lost their mum and should be living with their dad! Those poor kids 😞 As for your daughter not getting to use the TV for a bit ... I presume that is a joke??!!

You sound like my DCs step-Mum. Their Dad went along with what she wanted. They want nothing to do with him anymore.

What makes you think you can tell your DH he can only have his own children in his house for 4 hours at the weekend! That is shocking!

I think the problem here is that when his kids are over you feel like you are doing all the work. He needs to be the one entertaining them... but 100% he needs to have his kids over for more than 4 hours at the weekend. Cmon, think about if your kids were in their situation, would you be happy with that? Have them more and they will bond more with their siblings...

I'm a bio mum but I will step in and say in support of step mums - if the father leaves them to do everything, there will be resentment. There will be a disconnect there. They will feel like lodgers and that's why SMums will get resentful.

Husband needs the firmest of boundaries, so does OP and I don't see husband doing that. I see husband will do what it takes to keep his access to sex and housemaid.

So their mother has died, their father barely sees them and allows their stepmother to massively restrict the time they can spend together in favour of subsequent children he has had with her?! Poor children, didn’t they massively draw the short straw! No wonder stepparents have such a bad reputation.

Just a heads up, a five year old and a two year old don’t need to watch tv. Bereaved children need their remaining parent to step up and actually doubly parent them.

Wow
You married a man with kids. You’ve (both of you) now ensured that there is not enough room in your life and home for his children despite the fact that their mum has died.
If he isn’t arguing with you about this every day, he’s a shit dad. You are a shit stepmum.
’My kids will want the tv’. Ffs

Yeah op you need to answer this one.

What the fuck am I reading! How gracious of you, a whole 4 hours at the weekend. Hopefully he will grow a spine and leave.

OP; what were you expecting people to say??

Why aren’t the children living with you?

If I was your husband I’d have divorced you