Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

I don't know if you've read the whole thread - and I appreciate stepmums get a hard time on MN - but she hasn't actually seen the kids since their mum died. They've not been invited to visit her home since July, when her stepson cried, and the older child refused to entertain her kids for her. She hasn't actually done ANYTHING for her stepkids since their mother died. This whole thread basically exists because she wants to justify continuing to do nothing for them, but also not feel bad about that.

Her husband is a prize arse who pops out endless kids that he doesn't give a shit about but she isn't in line for any parenting/stepparenting awards either.

Yes and how old are the grandparents? What if they fall ill, or can’t cope? Has your DH lined up his ex-wife’s second cousin once removed/ ex boyfriend when she was 18/ social services to hand them over to?

Honestly I can see why you might think them spending a lot of time with their grandparents in these circumstances is good for them but he needs to have the best possible relationship with them as well. They don’t have a mother so they need a good relationship with their dad. Which is absolutely NOT 4 hours every other week.

Yeah my 15yo does that to. I feel there’s an awful lot of expectations from the SC but your DD’s can’t be expected to sacrifice anything. If you’re alll sitting around all day get up & go out. You could take your 2 kids out & give them all space.

I appreciate that, but the kids' relationship with their dad has not been close for some time now (which appears to have driven, or rather not driven, by him and to some extent their mother not wanting them to interact during covid). So they don't have much of a relationship with OP either. Unless OP has actively been banning the kids from her house, this still falls on her husband to be responsible. What I am reading is - when the kids have come round previously, the husband basically doesn't bother and leaves OP to parent them all. I can well understand why she's unhappy about that. And I can see why she would want to limit visits given past history. Obviously things now look different with their recent bereavement. I do agree OP could have made more effort to visit alongside their father - is there a reason why you didn't, OP?

What's really absent here is the OP's husband and his wishes, which OP still hasn't fully made clear. OP, honestly if I were you I would make it clear the kids are very welcome but ONLY if he actually behaves like a dad and doesn't expect you to look after them basically alone. Because actually that isn't what they need - they need their dad, emotionally, not their stepmum who they don't know very well.

A very sensible post. Not just the usual swear words to the OP.

They’re not hamsters OP that you get out of the cage and out back when you’ve had enough.By rights you should have them 24/7. if you’re not used to looking after that number of kids of course it’s hard at the start, but the answer is not to see them in small doses so they don’t become familiar and you don’t get any better at parenting.

You knew when you married DH that if ex died they’d live with you, except somehow you both managed to wriggle out of that. You needed a house for them to stay regularly, so you had some more children so now they don’t fit.

Bottom line is you need to keep having them for long periods so everyone gets used to each other, they come out of their shells and relax.

Bottom line is you need to keep having them for long periods so everyone gets used to each other, they come out of their shells and relax.

This is very true. It will take consistent, steady work. Not a couple of afternoons of bowling and then everyone will want to bake together on some kind of von Trapp idyll.

Everyone is unreasonable.
Your partner for only seeing his kids twice a year until now. You for bemoaning 7 hours a week with them when they've just lost their mum and should be living with their dad full time.

I wouldn’t worry to much. The contact will definitely drop off be if H choice or SC’s. Then you can live in peace. I doubt the guilt will keep either of you awake at night. I wish the SC a happy life

I do agree with this, but also for the sake of stability for the children... one was already living with the grandparents while their mum was alive, and the other now lives there. They shouldn't just be uprooted as other posters are suggesting. It would actually be a cruelty to remove them from their grandparents who they appear to have a close relationship with. If this family could build up the time spent together as you suggest, they could look to eventually moving together properly to a bigger house, or building that extension.

BUT... I am concerned about the stability of OP's marriage. Until there is more clarity on that, the last thing these kids need is to build a relationship with OP, and then she and their dad get a divorce. That's an incredible amount of disruption for children who are already bereaved of their mother.

It's a tough one.

@YourZippyHare yes, I agree - the end goal is not necessarily that they leave grandparents, as that would involve more upheaval and changing schools - but ideally they should reach a comfort level that regularly being in dad's house is part of their lives, whether or not OP and half siblings are around.

Can you afford to leave? He doesn’t seem to be bringing anything to the relationship.

You're getting a really hard time on here, I think some posters are more interested in putting the boot in than actually trying to help.

It's clear he's not been a great dad for a long time before their mum died. It's also clear from the fact your SD was living with her grandparents that she'd already made that choice not to live with her mum.

Yes in an ideal world we'd all have space in our homes for step kids but not everyone has that luxury of spare rooms or extensions and just have to make the best of what they have. Your step kids are happy and settled with their grand parents, still at the same school with the same friends and that's important too.

I totally get where your coming from saying 7 hours is too much, because you've tried it and it was too much. Not just for your kids but your step kids too, starting with 4 hours and building up to longer makes total sense.

However you do need to be realistic about managing your own kids. Distract them or be firm with them if they are having a tantrum over not getting access to the TV. You can't use that as an excuse for your step kids not coming around. If your step kids can't be bothered with them again, distract them and tell them that they are busy, don't want to be disturbed etc. It's not going to impact on their self esteem to get taught that sometimes people need space or they can't always get what they want when they want.

It does seem though that your DH wants this to happen so he can get you to do most of the donkey work, he needs to rebuild a relationship with them first

Having space for the number of kids you decided to have isn't a luxury. It's the bare minimum you should have in place before you stop using condoms.

The point is they should never have been with grandparents to begin with when they have parents- one of whom has happily gone off and made a new family.

Are you worried about your DH's mental health? He doesn't sound depressed from what you have said. At least you care enough about his kids to come on here and ask for help. I don't think that he gives a shit about them or he would have moved heaven and earth after their mum died to have them live with him.

Thank goodness they have their grandparents who have taken on parental responsibility for their daughter's children. I can't imagine what they must think of your husband. I think that he is an utter disgrace. He sounds lazy and selfish.

I would imagine that they hate coming over to your house and as soon as they are old enough, they won't bother seeing their dad again.

Come on OP you are bing a bit precious. A teenage girl giving one word answers is normal. Your 2 year old & 5 year old having a tantrum because a teenager won’t play their game is not lasting damage or hurting their feelings.

theyre small children kicking off because theyre not getting what they want. They could get indulged 5 times and on the 6th get a no and react like the world is ending.

they do not need constant entertainment from the people around them. They can play with themselves and at 5 should be learning to play alone.

keep the 2 year old with you. It’s not going to be a perfect Walton’s family evening all
singinf along together. It will be disjointed and awkward and silent. It doesn’t matter, bonds grow in time via shared experiences and just time spent.

there is no magic fix

In my opinion, and I am talking as a foster carer with some experience of children in difficult circumstances, you are not just unreasonable, you are actually cruel. Those poor, poor children. I am actually angry at you, which is a ridiculous I know, but you cannot (or don't want to) see how awful you are being? I hope this is made up.

For what it is worth any foster child who walks through the door is given just as much time, love and attention than my own children and grandchildren. Have you ever thought of doing the same?

but I'll have them for the full 7 hours and it'll end in tears like last time

It will only end in tears if you make him cry again...

Have a good hard think about that before you start imposing your rules, and insisting they do everything your way.

They need to feel like guests who can relax, not unwanted visitors who have to jump to attention.

Honestly, every time the OP posts I'm more and more horrified and sickened by the pair of them.

I would suggest starting to attend the visits at the grandmother's (his mum's) home where they feel more familiar and relaxed. If the grandmother has a good bond with them, she is the link between you and them and her son and them.

Also, these children have an adverse childhood experience (ACE) causing them trauma and potential attachment issues. You would do well to educate yourself about the impact ACEs and loss of the mother/disruption to the mother/child relationship has on children and teens. This might give a starting point for understanding where they are at, why they are quiet or dissociated, and why they are having difficulty bonding and connecting with others.

With that being said, their dad should be organising some therapy for them - the 9 year old might benefit from play therapy as it is less pressure to talk. With time, it is possible you could do therapy with them as a family group.

I would ask them what they want from visits to your house and if there is anything you can do to help them feel more comfortable. You need to be child-led.

As for your younger children, they will be okay. This is a lesson for them too. I would look for some activities you can do with your children such as playdough, sticker books, mark making and colouring, tuff tray outside in the garden, mud kitchen outside even in winter, play time in the bath during the day, dressing up, drawing on a water/aqua mat... while your step children are left to just 'be' in your house... they need to decompress and to feel this is their home where they do not have to fit in and make their dad and SM happy but can be themselves.

What an utterly selfish world we live in with all these so called "blended" families...there's nothing blended about this arrangement for his two DC who are shunned because of a TV issue and lack of space in a car that's not their fault.

Poor DC. I am sad reading this. What a fragmented way of living.

In principle, I agree with the majority of posters here that the dad should be stepping up. In reality, this dad and step mum have absolutely nothing to offer these children who are better off without them.

The idea of counting the hours that a child can spend at their father's house is despicable.

Also FWIW I was 13 when my mum died on Christmas eve. My dad made it clear from day one that he resented us because he had to give up his one bed flat that we were never welcome to. Thankfully my relatives picked up the slack for a while. Entertaining toddlers at that horrendous time would've been at the back of mind. God knows what made you choose a man who was already barely in his existing kids lives to lay down and have kids to. You're both pieces of shit and every time you try and defend yourself you make yourself sound worse. I hope those kids eventually go NC with him which I'm sure you'd be thrilled about. I've been NC with my dad for 16 years and life is so much better. You truly deserve each other

Well the first thing you need to do is sort out your children. If they tantrum and cry when they are ignored that’s a problem. If they start playing up don’t take them out and reward them. Put them in time out in their room, they need to learn that isn’t ok. If the stepkids are coming over every weekend the novelty of them being there will wear off and they will stop eventually.

however arranging contact ect is your husbands problem not yours. You need to step back be involved when they are there but organising it is not your issue.