Marriage at breaking point

[89Mumof3]

So I posted on here a few months ago that my brother in law was getting married. I ended up not going as my husband was a groomsmen and I've lost all my hair after having a baby, I'm literally bald still getting used to it. I've also got a tantrum happy toddler so couldn't face any extra attention, probably wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway to be honest.
My husband came back yesterday in a horrible mood as he says he didn't enjoy it as we weren't there. Apparently I make his life hell as he's always under pressure. I admit I'm not the easiest, but I've had therapy and I'm a lot better and have tools in place when something comes up unexpectedly. Everything is always my fault, and he can't accept I've changed even though it's been proven. My mum says he's on the verge of gaslighting me, he made me feel like a horrible person and couldn't believe no one else thought the same. He's put himself on anti depressants as he can't help feeling negative all the time. It's a constant drip feed of negative comments about everything all day, everything is seen as a job, like getting the kids dressed or washing up. He used to enjoy getting them dressed or maybe that was just me, and washing up together was a time to catch up now it's just a moan. Sorry for the rant I don't know what to do, it's mentally draining. I don't believe in breaks but one night of him away was bliss.
If I could afford to divorce him I honestly think I would, he made me feel so loved and secure when we met. The more confident I'm getting, the worse his mood gets and it can't be healthy for the kids. I'm not currently working as I've got a 2 year old and a 5 month old. My mum works and childcare is so expensive. I've thought about working nights, but not sure how that would work. I could play the long game and fake it until my youngest gets free nursery places.
Just looking for some advice, we've got a mortgage, the cars in his name I really don't want to lose the life we've built, but at the moment it's a miserable one. Maybe I should give the pills time to work see if they make him happier. I know I shouldn't take it personal, but he tells me it's all my fault.
This has been going on for quite sometime, probably years, I'm just seeing the light, he blames me for him not seeing his kids as twice in our 4 year relationship I wasn't in the mood. Once I was pregnant, second time my nanna was dying, and she died in the early hours the following day. He did have the kids that day and I did stay out of the day. My point is he focuses on all my negative qualities and nothing positive.
Rant over, any help on moving forward would be great. Thanks

Bumped, really need some advice

Bumped

I would see a Solicitor and get legal advice asap on divorcing him. I would also contact Women Aid and seek their help too.

Your marriage is over anyway due to the abuse he meets out to you and in turn the dc.

This is no life for you, let alone your dc who will undoubtedly pick up on all the vibes as they get older. Their home is not the sanctuary it should be. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

I don't know if he wants to keep me in a cage I'm allowed out no curfew. I'm just sick of being blamed for his mental health. I've had my own issues, really bad anxiety, but I've dealt with them, I'm hoping these tablets help. He has an alternate reality of what has and hasn't been said, it just gets twisted somehow back onto me
I think I do need to see a solicitor to see what I'm up against. My credit rating isn't great as he sorts all the bills out as I don't work at the moment so hardly any direct debits. I do the food shopping and have paid for the holiday. He's now on about sending me all his available money as I keep asking for more. Food shopping is so expensive and I needed e new wig this month, well it was a second hand one. I feel like he's implying I can't manage money which I can as I managed fine when me and my mum lived together and it was up to me to manage everything as she didn't have a card account. I was working then. Sorry for the rant I'm just lost.

He's not all bad, he does help around the house and with the kids. He moans when he's doing it, a bit like Victor meldrew lol

I get you OP. I also have hair loss, although not all of it gone. It's really difficult to come to terms with, and wigs are a minefield and so expensive. What is just basic for most people, just leaving the house, becomes a minefield.

Re your marriage, seems like there are quite a few issues going on. Your husband's negativity and stress and not seeing the good in you or acknowledging your efforts to fix your side of things, whilst not fixing his own.

It's good he wanted you there at the wedding, my partner didn't invite me to a big event when I first lost my hair and that still hurts me now nearly over 5 years later.

Maybe he is feeling stressed with such young kids, but it doesn't excuse it. Have a big talk, things need to change or you'll need to look at splitting.

Thanks, he is trying I'm just hoping that it carries on long term. He's on anti depressants, he's just got to change his mind set, he's got so much to be happy about he just can't see seem to see it.
As for the wedding it hurt me he'd sooner wear a suit than have us there. It's damaged relations between me and his family I just feel like an outsider now. They think I'm controlling, when all I needed was his full support on the day, it would've been my first big event since losing my hair. Sounds ridiculous but seeing him have photos with bridesmaids when I'm struggling to have photos with him and the kids it's really hard. I'm only a few months in but I've had hardly any support from him and none from his family. I hit rock bottom over this, he saw me crumble and just kept knocking me back. I've put myself back together and feeling much stronger, but I know I've got my guard up around him as I don't want him to hurt me again and use my feelings against me. Sorry for the long post, I'm hoping by putting it on here it'll stop me keep going over it in my head. Thanks

I can relate to this. My own dad was a very angry man and I think therefore I am very sensitive to DH. Every time he seems moody or grumpy I feel responsible and need to put it right.

Its very draining being with someone who is in a bad mood the whole time- especially if he's blaming you.

Why don't you think you could afford to divorce him? You are the primary carer and have given up your job to look after the kids. Any split would need to make sure you were supported surely? Do you own your home as that will be half yours?

Would he consider marriage counselling?

Yes I do feel responsible for my mood, not helped when he tells me it's my fault. He has taken some responsibility, but it's normally a temporary measure until I'm back on side. I'm seeing a pattern and I don't like it. I'm hoping this time is different, if he turns it all on me again I know there will be no going back.
I don't think they'd let the mortgage be put in my name, I think it would be a struggle. I should be able to afford it by cutting back on everything else, but the sofas were took out on 4 year pay plan and so was the car. In hindsight I wish I wasn't so financially tied but you are when you're married. He's got 2 kids from a previous relationship so I wouldn't get much CSA from him. As he doesn't see those 2 very often, I can't see why my 2 would be any different. The cars also his, I don't think he'd want to keep it. I might have to see a solicitor just to know my options. I think staying and waiting is the best option. We live in a village and I want them to go to the school in the village. I know solicitors will look more favourable to me keeping the house if it causes a lot of disruption me and the kids moving. I'm really hoping it doesn't come to it, but I want to be prepared if it does

We've talked about marriage counseling, as long as it's a safe space for me as I don't want it turned on me when we got home. Think we're letting the dust settle after his brothers wedding as it was only last weekend. Just too much raw emotion