Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

Whilst I don't disagree with what a lot of other posters have said here, I think it would be more constructive to focus on the relationship between you and DH.

His first two children seem to have a stable life with their GP. There is no point in changing that - why would these children even want to have a relationship with their Dad, a virtual stranger for years, let alone live with him?

"So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do"

"I get zero input from my husband about how to this work."

You need to ask your DH exactly what it is that he wants you to do.
Does he basically want you to parent his first two DC for him?

What should be happening is that he sees them alone, without you or his second two DC (your DC). He needs to go to the GP house, assuming he is welcome, or take them out for activities. He can have them at your/his house whilst you take the other 3 DC out for activities and lunch, to allow him time and space to parent his first two DC and make them lunch.

I suspect this is the LAST thing he wants. He does not want to spend time alone with his DC, having the bother of actually parenting them.
I suspect he is constantly moaning at you because you are not "supporting" him by doing all his parenting for him.
(Do you also do most of the cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry?)

Your DH is a truly dreadful father.
But, there is a limit to what you can do for his older DC.
They don't want you - you are not their mother. You can't step in and magically make it all better for them by having some great activities planned.
You can try, you can exhaust yourself running in circles trying to keep 5 children happy, but it won't work, not just because of their ages but because it is not what his two DC need.

7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV

Mate, what? Those kids have been pushed out of the family basically for shit like this? Your husband is a terrible, terrible father and you have enabled that for your own convenience. Those poor kids.

And who is protecting your SC? Certainly not their useless absent father.

I think its genuinely awful of you to knowingly and willingly had two kids with a man who could only be bothered to have his existing kids every other weekend for a day even before all this happened! You KNEW he didnt care enough about his existing kids to fight for proper custody so he could be an actual parent to them and see them more and yet you gave two more kids this man as a father? What on earth is wrong with you? He's a shit dad and you had evidence he was a shit dad yet you decided your desire to have kids was more important than trying to make sure your children had a decent man of a father! Honestly, a day every two weeks?? And yet you are sat here blaming covid? Ridiculous.

Your husband's kids have lost their mum so if there was ever a time you and your husband were both needed to step up and be there for them, it's now. And it's got nothing to do with trips to Alton Towers etc. That's not parenting - that's just being a Disney Dad (or mum).

What comes through from your posts is that you're really not considering the emotional impact on your SC of losing their mum (a HUGE traumatic event). Them being allowed in your house for a few hours at the weekend until your kids need the telly again(!) is, frankly, shit. It just smacks of 'doing your duty' and not actually putting any effort into getting to know them or building a relationship and actually HELPING them through this difficult time.

TBH, it sounds like neither you nor your husband are really capable of stepping up. He didn't bother when the kids' mum was alive and it's a bit late to start trying now. It just makes me sad for the kids. At least they've got decent grandparents.

Also, if your kids really can't cope without watching TV for a few hours, then your parenting sucks.

1. the older children don’t need (or probably want) activities. They need attention, love, someone to show an interest in them. Cuddle, talk, walk, go to parents evening, do school pick ups, pop into grandparents at homework time to chat and learn about them. Talk with them about their mum. Reminisce, apologise, ask them what they want.
2. you should have put a trigger warning in your title - I grew up with a disinterested father, a selfish and clueless stepmother and a dead mum. I’m emotionally screwed up.
3. google ACE.
4. try having some sympathy for the kids. show compassion. Put them first.
5. if you can’t or won’t do ALL of this, I hope you and your DH are saving hard for the kids’ therapy

OP - it sounds like you are doing everything. I understand you are struggling to find empathy for them and I am going to send you love. Because it's hard and you have a lot on your plate.

Where is the husband when his kids come? What exactly, specifically is he doing? He is a huge problem in this.

You don't want to parent their needs. It isn't what you thought you were signing up to. You are human and have to forgive yourself.

It is however very damaging to these kids seeing that they must perform for the younger ones. They just can't do that. It is not fair. It sounds better that they don't have to experience this agonizing 4 hours. You would prefer that they were distanced if you are honest with yourself. The husband is dead inside if he does not step up and do something here to engage with them one on one ffs.

Its always the same. And yes, its mainly their dad to blame. But FFS.

My ex and his wife are the same. The can't fit all the DC in the car so my DC always got left out. They couldn't afford to take them all on holiday, but it was always mine who got left behind. Never hers, or the joint ones. He apparently can't afford to pay maintenance, yet chose to have 3 more DC. When her relative died my DC weren't allowed over for months whilst she grieved, and they haven been allowed over at Christmas since as she "finds it hard". Yet when my relative died (also at Christmas) I had to get on with it, that's what parents do.

Because equally shit women, with no empathy for kids whose mother died, and who prioritise their kids tv hours, will let them.

Yes this.

While some women’s standards are so low that any man will do to have babies with. These shit fathers will continue to get away with being shit fathers to multiple children.

Honestly that's such a childish comment, I don't think you know what families go through. I'm trying my best and no it's probably not good enough, I work, keep the house functioning, and the kids looking nice. I don't get much help. When his Nanna died he fell to pieces, he didn't see anyone, he didn't have his kids that weekend. I'm not asking for a prize in saying I didn't use her as an excuse I kept it going. I haven't been to Alton towers since then or any theme park so it's not like we just haven't taken her although she has been with her grandparents and been to Florida with them and her auntie and uncle. Honestly I really have never met such perfect people who never need any help help. I don't know why I came here for advice because none of you actually give any help just bashing which is really unhelpful to the situation. You can't make me feel any worse but that doesn't stop you from trying. No wonder mental health is rife and men top themselves it's no surprise

OP can talk about how hard it was for her as a grown adult to lose her grandparent but has barely acknowledged the difficulty of her step children losing their mother, their one and ONLY present/active parent.

This isn’t about planning activities. It’s about your DH being a neglectful at best and abusive at worse figure in their life. It’s about it the choices you have made to support the neglect and abandonment of his two oldest children.

OP shouldn’t be planning activities with them

Of course she shouldn't, it really isn't her job, but she doesn't now as all the contact is done away from home and the dad manages with them perfectly well in that time, why would it be any different when they are in OPs house..

Oh, because she wants her 5 and 2 year old included in everything they are doing that's why.. there is absolutely no reason why the kids can't come there and just exist without having to perform.

OP just doesn't want them in her house, 'disrupting' her own children, that's the problem.

All of this. But @89Mumof3 won't pay any attention and will just keep whinging on about how she has no money to do activities and that she doesn't want her younger children inconvenienced for a few hours every other weekend rather than take any of this on board.

Im a SP & honestly both of you are utterly disgraceful. He is an absolutely shocking father and the fact you willing brought more kids into such a dysfunctional blended family meaning their was no space for them anyway makes you as bad.

The fact you watched all this go on and thought oh thats the type of man I want to make the father of more kids proves you really lack emotional maturity and good decision making skills.

What do you do get real serious between you both about the decisions you have made,stop making excuses.

If I was his older kids I would never want to lay eyes on any of you again.

He should get in front of family therapist to work through a proper plan to try and build relationships with them.

When my mum died when I was 30 I was back at work within the week. Now I'm older and with kids I'd have pulled myself together faster. Because that's what adults do. You fit your grieving in round your responsibilities. Ridiculous the pair of you. Do you have significant comprehension issues? You come across like you have reasoning capabilities of a goldfish. Not to mention the empathy.

Read the thread now. Do the grandparents want to look after them? Their home sounds nice and they are obviously used to having the children. Your husband though needs to step up. He should at least see them every weekend for a day and take them out places. They’ve lost their Mum - it’s a huge loss even adults are devastated by bereavement.

Your husband is the problem here. He had next to no relationship with his kids before their mum passed away, and isn't interested in changing that.
All the posters who are asking why the kids are living with their grandparents are missing the point - this is the right place for them. They are supported and loved by people who have played a part in their upbringing. I'm willing to bet it's what their mum would have wanted, and they shouldn't be made to move in with a 'parent' who hasn't parented them.
Your husband won't change. Take note. Make sure that your kids have people who will support them if anything happens to you.

Op was your relationship initially an affair while his youngest was an infant?

Exactly. She say it’s too difficult having them there because they aren’t spending the whole time interacting with their much younger siblings.

Newsflash OP - that’s what teenagers do. My teenage son barely leaves his bedroom. It’s fine. It’s normal. Let them do their thing and see their father and stop making everything about your young children. They have plenty, they’ve had enough. They can be disappointed the older child is ignoring them, it won’t traumatise them.

It’s time your SC were the focus here. Refusing to have them in your house because your daughter wants to watch TV or they might be dismissive when the young children wants attention is absolutely inane behaviour. Get your head out your ass and stop victimising your own DC in a situation they are getting everything your DSC should have had.

I understand it may be hard for your kids, but it isn't likely to cause any long term harm. Whereas their siblings have gone through a major trauma.
If you play with the two young ones will dad play monopoly with the older ones?
Can the younger ones watch TV for a while so you can play?
Any family with age gap kids has similar issues of different interests at different life stages.
And I still think being at your house doing their own thing allows for more bonding than them being elsewhere. My step son is a bit older (and not grieving) but spends most of his time in his room playing Xbox. If I tried to make him come down and 'bond' it would seem intrusive and annoy him. But he is invited to any activity we do (but rarley joins in) and he comes down for dinner etc and chats to us. So if they can be on their devices but maintain the boundary that one meal is device free would allow some time together.

Is he paying maintenance to the children's grandparents?

OP, tell us what your husband's doing to engage with his kids.

You aren't able to take all this on and nor should you if it is beyond what you can and want to do. You are allowed to say this is too much for you.

Your husband is a problem here though. It is not fair. Even you are on here trying to fix it for him. Is he doing as much? I doubt it.

And OP can't just up and leave the guy. He will be meeting needs she has somehow so LTB isn't an option. If he's providing for her kids she is getting what she needs.

You can't make this right OP.

I'd be telling your husband this is unworkable atm and he needs to step up, not you, him. It's his choice if he does that.

What happened to your own children when your Nanna died? Did you send them to live with their grandparents?

There's not much to be said as you and DH between you have already made such a pigs ear of the situation.

The first thing you need to do is start working out a plan for how you are going to move into a home with enough space for all of your children. Whether that's shared ownership or an interest only mortgage or something else is up to you but you have 5 kids and you need space for 5 kids.

Then you need to start re-establishing contact working up to them living with their father full-time.

This needs to be led by your DH. However, unfortunately, it's very obvious to everyone (except, apparently, you) that he has always been and will continue to be an absolute deadbeat with no interest in his children.

At least you feel guilty which is an indication that one of you has a conscience.

We don't know what families go though?! Are you being serious?!

Every single response is just excuses and woe is me.

Oh and I've offered plenty of advice in my previous post but you're not interested in making it work with the step-kids around. Because you just don't want them there as they are an inconvenience to your other children.